I've wondered if I'm wrong in wanting to be someone's first so their first would be mine as well. I'm not sexist, but I don't want to go where another man's been. And I'm guessing that my low selfesteem issues arise when I feel deprived of my identity or desire. In other words, I feel less of a man because I couldn't inspire the same awe as she felt for her first. I don't know if it's a childish selfishness or fear of failure.