Are You Normal?
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Inside the bowels of the lactose intolerant
Last Friday was my birthday, and a few friends and family decided to surprise me with a great big ice-cream cake. I guess they forgot that I am lactose intolerant, but never the less, I chowed down simply because it was my birthday and they went to the trouble of buying me a ice-cream cake.
So this afternoon I was playing pool with my girlfriend, yeah...everything was awesome. About an hour later I started getting quite painful stomach cramps along with frequent flatulence... Any lactose intolerant person knows these tell tale symptoms. So I decided to pay the bill and hop in a taxi and head home...just to be on the safe side, as sh*tting your self in public is just awful.
Boy oh boy did I underestimate my own bowels!
I was practically sh*tting my self by the time I had made it home and to the toilet. I grasped the seat wincing with pain as the enormously large green sh*t smoothly slid out of my ass. I quivered with both relief and satisfaction. I sat motionless, breathless - catching my breath before the next wave of attack began, when suddenly, the cramps returned and it started all over again...
After what seemed like hours, I stood up, and slowly turned around to look down upon my creation. I instantly recognized my fecal matter as a true creation of god...a beautiful baby boy! I was jumping up and down with joy.
I proudly named him after my father, Douglas.
Douglas, glowing softly in all his glory, almost seemed to be smiling at me, happy to have been released from the dark shadowy depths of my colon... He was a fighter, a true survivor.
I glanced down at my watch, i had been looking at Douglas for the last 8 minutes. Douglas knew as much as I, that our time together was running out. His glorious gangrenous green tint seemed to be fading, and the foul stench of death was hazing in the air. I reached to flush the toilet...Tears of anger, pain and despair were rolling down both sides of my face.
The flush was over in a matter of seconds, but it feels like hours when your watching your own son die. I can still remember when i saw Douglas's torso get split into a million pieces of particle sh*t as the high velocity water tore cleanly through his entire body and turned the crystal clear water into a lime green murk of murder.
Why does it always have to end like this??
Why was Douglas a rich green??
Why was i forced to murder my own son??
Should i consult a physician??
So this afternoon I was playing pool with my girlfriend, yeah...everything was awesome. About an hour later I started getting quite painful stomach cramps along with frequent flatulence... Any lactose intolerant person knows these tell tale symptoms. So I decided to pay the bill and hop in a taxi and head home...just to be on the safe side, as sh*tting your self in public is just awful.
Boy oh boy did I underestimate my own bowels!
I was practically sh*tting my self by the time I had made it home and to the toilet. I grasped the seat wincing with pain as the enormously large green sh*t smoothly slid out of my ass. I quivered with both relief and satisfaction. I sat motionless, breathless - catching my breath before the next wave of attack began, when suddenly, the cramps returned and it started all over again...
After what seemed like hours, I stood up, and slowly turned around to look down upon my creation. I instantly recognized my fecal matter as a true creation of god...a beautiful baby boy! I was jumping up and down with joy.
I proudly named him after my father, Douglas.
Douglas, glowing softly in all his glory, almost seemed to be smiling at me, happy to have been released from the dark shadowy depths of my colon... He was a fighter, a true survivor.
I glanced down at my watch, i had been looking at Douglas for the last 8 minutes. Douglas knew as much as I, that our time together was running out. His glorious gangrenous green tint seemed to be fading, and the foul stench of death was hazing in the air. I reached to flush the toilet...Tears of anger, pain and despair were rolling down both sides of my face.
The flush was over in a matter of seconds, but it feels like hours when your watching your own son die. I can still remember when i saw Douglas's torso get split into a million pieces of particle sh*t as the high velocity water tore cleanly through his entire body and turned the crystal clear water into a lime green murk of murder.
Why does it always have to end like this??
Why was Douglas a rich green??
Why was i forced to murder my own son??
Should i consult a physician??
Do you think it's normal?
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Not easily answered
Anyways to answer your first question...first off, it doesn't have to START like this if you hadn't taken so many drugs :D
2. Douglas was a rich green because of what you ate, or maybe again..it was the drugs lol
3. It's okay to murder your own son. It;s normal nowadays
4. And..YES, consult a physician!
And btw, this BETTER be in paperback soon! :P