that is normal at least to me.ive been exactly like you say you feel most of my life.if i were wealthy enough that i didnt have to go to work Id pretty much be a hermit...someday maybe.


as long as youre happy being a loner then its OK.there are plenty of us out here.

Do you have a masterbaiting problem too? That could explain you always wanting to run home and beat it. Just get out there and make some friends and im sure this will pass in time.

grow some balls gaylord (male or female) makes no difference.

its not because of drugs is it?,mary jane will really isolate you,otherwise look at your upbringing were you pretty alone there.
no matter,youre not weird or anything i like my time alone too.

Sounds vaguely like Anxiety Personality Disorder. However, it probably isn't and, take it from me, it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do.
I'm much the same, plus it allows me to devote my time to more productive activities - studying or just reading - than drinking myself into a stupor.

Did you grow up in the country or the city? An only child or with siblings? I don't mean to pry but these are things to consider.

Hi Desan :)

I grew up in a big city (london), i have two sisters and one brother, but they are also much older than me (im the youngest in the faily)

Throughout most of my childhood i felt alone, i had the odd friend who i would hang out with, but i felt alone in terms of my homelife, as my mum and dad used to always argue, so there was always a tense atmosphere in the house, i felt isolated and scared most of the time due my dad being violent towards my mum. So i guess these feelings have just escalated to my adulthood.

I wish i could have a 'healthy normal', social life but it just feels like the hardest thing in the world. Im just more comfortable on my own, i dont enjoy the things that 'normal' people do - i.e. going to the cinema, going out for a drink, going on dates etc. Those activities are totally alien to me. Im a complete hermit, and ashamed of it :(.

I really wish i was different, i hate being me!!

Do you have any friends, or just acquaintances?

That last question was aimed at slack

Well, I'm no psychologist; I have attested in another thread to that fact. I have only the discussions with a friend who is studying psychoanalysis to go on, and my own readings.

There are a number of things I would like to say so I'll not beat around the bush.

First, the fact that your mother and father argued a lot - and in particular your tension - could be an influencing factor. I would imagine you sought to be away from them and be alone, so in being alone then you found comfort, at least of a kind.
Though, you have addressed that.

Normal is a rather subjective term people are all too fond of throwing about. Normality for one person is alien for another. Society, also, seems rather intent to push this idea that there must be something wrong with a person if they keep to themselves. Society is, as we know, often wrong on many subjects.
John Donne may have said 'No man is an islande', but I believe he was wrong. There is great pleasure to be found in one's own company. I'm a rather pragmatic person deep down so I suppose I look at it as an opportunity to pursue my own interests; and I would suggest that you may consider that. Try and look at it in a more positive light.


I suppose I should also ask if you feel yourself suffering from depression.
I hope you don't take offence, it's just your tone seems to suggest that this isn't the sole reason you're unhappy.

As I've said, I have also never really fitted in with my peers, and I still don't. Now, there are times when I lament this but for the most part I don't.
Again, I would point out your saying that you 'feel paranoid, tense, insecure, and worry that nobody likes me or wants me around.' This would suggest - and I would stress that it's nothing more than a suggestion - that it could be Anxiety Personality Disorder, particularly your insecurity about not measuring up to other peoples standards.

And then you have to consider that some people are just innately not outgoing. It's just I want to stress that you shouldn't be so worried about this (and I could tell you a thing or two about being worried).
I have two people that I can call friends and they are as good as one could ask for. Better to have even one person you can call your friend, than a dozen who could care less about you.
However if this is genuinely causing you to be upset then perhaps you may consider talking to someone you trust.

Hi Desai, thanks for your reply. You seem nice :)

Yes your right, this isnt the only thing that is bothering at me at the moment. All my life I have struggled to be happy, ive always felt this dark gloomy cloud hanging over me, which seems to follow me around me around wherever i go. Whatever I do im not satsified or content, i may sometimes smile and crack jokes with people, but ive always felt a deep sadness within me, a gloom, a feeling of discontentment, a feeling that i dont belong somewhere, and almost as if i shouldnt have been born.

I dont wanna end up a sad miserable lonely old woman, i want more out of my life, but havent a clue where to start :(

Oh and your right, im not a naturally outgoing person, although it seems that most people my age (23) are. Ive only been to a nightclub once (only because uni acquaintances invited me to celebrate graduating), and that seemed like an ordeal to me. I pretended as if i was having fun on the outside, but on the inside, i just couldnt wait to get home!

My idea of a good time, is a night in, watching telly or dvd's either on my own or with family. sad or what eh?!

I may be 23 physiologically, but social-wise i may aswell be an old aged pensioner!!

Well, first off, thanks. I always think I come off as being somewhat aloof; I'm really not that bad a person really.

I hope I'm not being too forward in suggesting that you may seek professional help. If you've been suffering from depression from this length of time then I would think it would warrant investigation.
Now, it's nothing to be overly concerned about, but I would just bear it in mind. It's always better to have these things seen to.

As for more relevant solutions to your lack of outgoingness I'm afraid I don't really have much to offer. All too often people just say 'just be yourself', or 'put yourself out there', unaware how alien or difficult a concept this can be for the person they're speaking to.
As I said, I'm not very socialable myself. When I started college I found it very easy to fit in with other people and enjoyed their company to the point of going for drinks with them a few times.
However, this year I've found myself having grown apart from them. Though there are other issues for that I suspect (my long absences due to illness).

I'm afraid I can't offer much beyond reiterating seeking professional help. Not for your lack of desire to go out, but it does sound as if you've been depressed for a long time.

oh ive got friends,at least a couple besides my wife,we go to cooncerts and stuff like that once in a while.but do i have someone i hang with everyday? No way. besides my wife I have never found anyone that I really want to be around too much.just the way i am.

katie1983 my advice is to not worry so much about wanting to be a loner. There are plenty of people who share the same feelings.

Myself, I had a lot of friends in high school and I felt so lucky. Well I moved to a new state, then moved again, and moved again, and so on. Until I had moved about 4 times in 6 years.

Now my friends are so spread out and as you get older it gets tougher to find people to identify with. So I just started kind of hanging out with myself.

I'm like you, I prefer to just be at home alone, watching a DVD or browsing the web, occasionally read a book. Sometimes I work on a music track or an art project.

At first I used to wonder about it, then I just decided that it was my preferred way of spending time anyways. So I accepted it, and now it doesn't really bother me.

As long as you aren't a total hermit, like never leave your house ever or anything, I don't think it's a disorder or anything, you just haven't found the right person you can feel comfortable around.

Once you find a friend or boyfriend you can truly identify with, you will naturally want to spend more time with them, so in the end I think everything will work itself out.

Just make sure you don't become totally anti-social and you will be fine.

Hey thanks for that advice, im not totally anti social. I suppose I can be quite outgoing and bubbly with the right people, im very fussy in who i talk too, and let my guard down around. Generally im a very closed, reserved person around people. Im always so bound up and tense, and find it hard to relax.

But your right, when i meet the right person that i can be myself with, whether they be a potential friend of partner, then it will just all fall into place! Well i hope so anyway!

So what kind of life do you lead now then?

Well I'm still a loner for the most part. I really only hang out with my friend and his wife, we go to the movies every once in a while. I just saw Spiderman 3 with him.

But they are always winning tickets off the radio for concerts and stuff and they usually invite me, and sometimes I go, but I'm like you I just can't wait to get back in my comfort zone. (When I go.)

I used to be into extreme sports a lot, mainly skateboarding and snowboarding, I met a lot of people through doing that, so I feel like I've got my socializing out of the way early. And I keep in touch through e-mails and letters.

If 1983 in your username suggests your year of birth then you're only 4 years younger than I, so I guess you're in that age where you are just beyond talking to your old peers from high-school / college, and just not quite settled into a career or anything and haven't met any friends that way.

The majority of my evenings are spent alone, which doesn't really bother me. I still socialize on the net, and I do go out occasionally, I like going to the movies, and I go alone at times, if not with my friend.

Very rarely I will go to bars and flirt with women who are flirty with me, but I'm too shy to really persue anything beyond friendly touching and playful glances. Still waiting to find that girl that ignites that flame of passion which I haven't found yet... so until I do, I continue to spend my evenings at home (which I find pleasant).

Don't worry Katie, you're not alone here. I think there are many people who have felt this way at some point in their lives, I know I have.
You say that you feel tense, insecure & can't relax around people. In my teens & early twenties this was a problem for me too. I just had no self confidence. I would socialise occasionally, but I always got anxious when going somewhere new & meeting new people. People thought I was shy, but it's not as simple as that.
Can I quote you here, just to see the overall issue. You say "I wish i could have a 'healthy normal', social life but it just feels like the hardest thing in the world" Then you say "Im just more comfortable on my own, i dont enjoy the things that 'normal' people do - i.e. going to the cinema, going out for a drink, going on dates etc. Those activities are totally alien to me." Am I wrong to think that you would really like to do these things than be on your own? OK, we all like to have time to ourselves, I think it's important, but deep down I feel you would rather mix with people, but the issue here is feeling uncomfortable with it.
The reason I'm saying this is because I'm just a few years older than you & I get angry with myself when I think of the missed opportunities I had because I felt too uncomfortable to mix with people. I look at people my age who are now settling down, getting married & having a family. I feel I should also be there but anxieties & depression stopped me for many years. I understand that gloom you mention, people find it hard to understand when they can't see a problem, but I know how you may feel. Unwanted loneliness is a very empty feeling, but it really can change. I'm alot stronger person now, I really wish I could put my head now on my shoulders of ten years ago. I would be braver. Alot of us feel awkward Katie, even people we may see as being confident, people just hide it better & try to get through it anyway.
If you really feel like you want to be on your own, then that's fine, but if deep down you would really like to get out more & socialise, please Katie, just one small step at a time, try. Just hang around with people you feel comfortable with, you don't even have to always go out, watch movies with friends. It's amazing how confidence can improve bit by bit over time, even to the stage where you will ask yourself why you ever felt bad about a certain situation in the first place.
Remember Katie, you're not alone. There are many good people out there you'd be happy to mix with & they with you. If making new friends is difficult, just sharing an interest with someone can really get the ball rolling. I was too nervous to chat up girls when I was younger, too anxious & stressful. I still get nervous now, but I know it's normal & there's really nothing to worry about so I won't shy away like I used to. I realise now that some situations are not as bad as I used to make them out to be. Having someone in your life makes a huge difference, I hope you can do this.
Chin up Katie, it's fine to be on our own, but try to make more friends as well if deep down it's what you really want. I know it's hard, but the main thing is that you're happy.

boreing

hey thanks for that reply dave. so would you say your more confident now than you used to be? at the moment it just feels like im stuck in a rut that i cant get out of, i feel trapped, alone, and frustrated. im not living, merely existing. even though i feel more comfortable on my own, i dont feel happy. in fact, ive never been happy. ive always struggled to feel happy and content with my life :(

learn to spell!!!

Katie, yes I'm alot more confident than when I was younger. I wish I could turn back the clock, I realise now I did things wrong because of my lack of confidence. The thing is Katie, I think people in general get more confident as they get older, due to experience etc. Things which used to bother me in the past don't anymore. In the end I found talking about my problem made a big difference.
I read with interest your latest comment & this sounds so familiar. I have been there Katie, I know how it feels. You don't see a way out of it, but trust me, if you want to change enough you can do it.
Even though I was surrounded by friends & family I too for a long time felt alone & saw no way out of it, I had terrible depression because of it. Things can change so suddenly in life for the better, a change of job, a new friend etc. I used to feel that even though I didn't have much going for me in life any change that did come along just gave me more anxiety. You have to overide this if this is how you would feel. If you've been invited to a party, event or whatever, if you feel like you'd really like to go but it stresses you out even thinking about it, try & push yourself to do it. I used to worry so much about doing something that when I eventually got around to doing it I used to ask myself why I ever worried about it in the first place.
I think in the end Katie it comes down to what you want in life. If you don't want to do what you're doing now anymore, ask yourself what you realy want & go for it. Yes, I know it can be hard, but if you take one step at a time you'll get there. It's all about being happy, ask yourself what would make you happy. Try not to waste your life being unhappy, I've found out the hardway as I never really lived my life in my teens & early twenties. These are years when we should be having fun before we settle down.
Is there anyone you know Katie that you can talk to. This makes a huge difference as bottling it up can only make it worse. Talk to a friend. We all have problems in life, even those we perceive as having it all & look like they have the perfect life. It's all about talking & helping each other through it.

Same feeling here, you could possibably have soial anxiety, you could go the doctor and tell him, they have medicine and it helps a ton.

Why dont you Buy a pair of shoe lifts and gain some self confidence.

your obviously a midget !

THIS IS NOT NORMAL. HAND YOURSELF OVER TO THE AUTHORITIES BEFORE THE UNAVOIDABLE MURDER SPREE BEGINS.

NORM SOUNDS LIKE U ARE EXTREMELY INTROVERTED. MIGHT WANT TO WORK OUT SOMETHING FOR TALKING WITH PEOPLE THO, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE TO.

dude get a girlfriend. try to become close friends and its also more fun just chillin. even sexual jokes like motorboating.

most people feel this way some can ignore it some dwell on it till it makes us depressed and then no one will want to be around a depressed person. Susan Jeffers "feel the fear.....and do it anyway" is a good place to start. it has been helping me. I was sitting at home getting stoned being alone and constantly insecure but I'm changing everyday and it scary but it will be but as you grow you develope new tools to deal with the fear. Other wise you can be like me Home alone getting girls that aren't right for you and being in miserable relationships, crappy jobs and ultimately want to kill or die none of this healthy and positive. When your ready to seek the help is out there in books teachers adults and friends. THOUGH I MUST WARN YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AND SOME WILL THINK YOUR FROM MARS BECAUSE THEY LIVE IN DENIAL AND ALCOHOL. I SAY BOOKS AND SUPPORT GROUPS ARE THE WAY TO GO.

YOU ARE A DIVINE CREATURE AND SHOULD ACCEPT YOURSELF AS SUCH AND LIVE ACCORDINGLY.
LIVE WITH PEACE STRENGTH AND HONOR