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Greetings and salutations. For the time being, I wish to remain anonymous to protect my identity for what you are about to hear may shock you in ways only a 2,000,000 volt capacitor could.

I was walking down 34th avenue when I saw that some ninjas were handing out pamphlets. Well, it turns out they were communists bent on world peace and racial harmony, so I absorbed their powers and lept to the top floor awning and unleashed a furious cloud of ninja death stars.

Well anyway, that pretty much sent those damned commies back to Germany, birthplace of Marxism. It became clear to me now that I was now a single man at war with a nation.
I panicked, mugged an old lady and used the five dollars I found on her corpse to get a down payment on a SuperSoaker. Now I was ready.

As of 1100 hours on August the 6th, paratroopers and bombs rained over my 3-acre property in Ohio and cornered my family, blowing them to Schnitzel almost immediately.

The next day, after finding a luger cartridge in my cup of Joe, I got so angry that I launched all 0 of my long-ranged missiles at Berlin. After signing a formal surrender agreement, I was locked up to this day in my closet accidentally, as my parents did not spare me the emergency key before their tragic passing.