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Is It Normal?
What do you think?
i feel guilty
Hi
I am a 37 years old mom of a few wonderful kids and complaining , loving , hard working , wife of a real kind and respectful gentleman but i am not able to leave the good old story of being sexually approached by my father,behind and move on(real father).Since age 12 up to 17.,I played the role of a sex toy.
I let him to touch me, leak my genitals, want me masturbate him. Watched porn with him and listen to his stories of sex with other women and details of their private parts and repeating them and giving him company in those kinds of conversations while he drives me to school. I did not enjoy and felt disgusted but received more money and toys. And punish and ignoring if I didn’t let him. so I let my father to abuse me and buy me present .(No intercourse).
At age 17 I had a chance to yell and threatened him with yelling and stopped the sex part.
After that he hated me , started a love and touch relationship with his own nephews 17 and 18 yrs old , became mean to me and supper kind to them .
I have OCD and anxiety disorder compulsive shopping and reorganizing.
If my therapist doesn’t help me my house becomes like a dollar store in two weeks and all my credit cards are used up to the limit.
I have nightmares and unwanted thoughts and of course lots of doctors and therapists appointments .and a big box of prescribed medicine.
I go to my doctors snd therapists and do all my homework and take my meds as prescribed and get my self monitored to make sure med and therapy is working and do my healthy diet and sleep and exercise like a good girl. And try to be focused on my kids and family.
And believe me or not it works like a magic. I can be a mom and function like a wife .

The part which is killing me is my mom.
I feel guilty I feel I ruined the pictured of happy family the minute I started treatment and told very one .
She blames me for not being able to keep it in the family and my head.
She wants me cut my medicine and stop seeing those docs she believes those docs are making a big deal of a small thing which happens to every one. Like being your dad’s sex toy (bid deal to me ha)
She thinks I am imaging , some times and some other times she defends dad.
“ he has always given me lots of money� and “ he has been seek himself�
As obvios as it looks to you and me that mom is wrong , I can not deal with mom in my head , she is being tortured in my head and it makes my heart feel that rush of pain and I want to die because I can not deal with mom . I am a bad girl and it is my fault that she is not lucky. And It has always been my fault.
I am confsed and have this rush of pain I want to die and not ruin my mother.
After all we where together in this whole misery.’
Is it normal?
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Comments (7)
slackjawedyokel (6678)
2007-09-07 06:53:06
it sounds like you need to eliminate your mom from your life too.most likely she knew what your dad was doing to you anyway.cut her loose and dont look back.life is too short to keep a lead weight around your neck,mom or not.
Reply
Didge_Daz (5056)
2007-09-07 08:42:40
Dont stop doing the meds or seeking therapy, you said it yourself it works, what do other ppl even know?

As for your mom well..ppl can pretend not to see alot, but in the worse case cenario they just outright believe what they want too, even if you were shove proof up there noses(and that seems to be the case.

Shes just stuck on that "stepford wife" imaginary world of hers, and refuses to to comply that your dad was a douchebag that should have been shot, that most likely is a defence mechanism from her part to coupe with the fact that she did JACK SHIT to protect her daughter or deal with her hubbys fucked up head.

Hey if anything im quite impressed with what you have acomplished, keep up the good work and dont let anyone make you feel bad about yourself :)


peace Jah bless
Reply
October (10003)
2007-09-07 11:32:39
*YOU* didn't "ruin the picture of a happy family" - your dad did that and it is on his shoulders that the blame should fall.

Plus, from what you're telling us, the only thing happy In your family WAS "the Picture" - a distortion of reality.

Continue to seek help, for yourself and Your family. The relationship with your mother, it is sad, but she has to deal with HER emotions and feelings on her own terms. It's sad she feels like this but don't let her drag you down with her.

This isn't Your fault. Don't let it be, either!

Stay strong!

Tobra
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arealydarkexperience (10439)
2007-09-08 03:44:12
@: slackjawedyokel
thanks
that is what i feel and know i need to do
thanks for nice comment
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arealydarkexperience (10439)
2007-09-08 03:46:23
@: Didge_Daz
thanks for support
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arealydarkexperience (10439)
2007-09-08 03:49:14
@: October
thanks for support you help me have a better moment so do my little one because they depend on me so much
thanks
Reply
midwest4u (9898)
2007-09-08 08:04:39
Most of us can blame everything in our life on a bad childhood. Put the past in the past and keep it there. You know what was right and what was wrong in your childhood and no one else will ever know how you really felt. Your mother may be blind to many things that she wishes was not there but deep down she knows what has happend and for whatever reason was powerless to stop it and that is something that she will need to deal with. As for you cut up the charge cards. You have a family of your own that need to be attended to first. Put some distance between you and your parents. If your mother blames you for this you don't need her in your life. Make a happy life out of your own faimly. Remember, your not a child any longer don't let any guilty feelings from the past mess up things with your kids.
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