Torn between being comfortable and being in love.

I was madly in love with a man named Josh. We dated for years until he got mixed up with some wrong people and started doing drugs. He was never bad towards me, I was just scared of the drugs and where it could lead to and I took off instead of helping him straighten up and get out of the mess. I always regretted it and thought about him VERY often throughout the years trying to see if I could catch him but we never crossed paths again.

I married a different man and moved across the country. He cheated on me for half of our marriage before I found out about it when he asked me for a divorce to marry his girlfriend so I moved closer to my family again. I quickly found myself in the arms of a very caring and loving man 25 years older than me named Bob.

Josh contacted me by letter 2 weeks after I moved in with Bob. (Oct. 2004) My heart stopped as soon as I realized who it was. He had been searching for me but then gave up when seeing I was married but was now in rehab cleaning up and just wanted to contact me to see how I was, apologize for going down the wrong road, and let me know that he didn’t have any ill feelings towards me for taking off. Bob asked me to marry him and we had our first daughter in Aug. 2005 and our second daughter in Dec. 2006. Josh and I kept in touch by letters and phone. It was kind of awkward for me though because my heart still wanted him and I was trying to start a new life with Bob so I stopped contact with Josh again. Bob and I went through some trying times with mine and my daughter’s health problems. His company has also been in and out of work for months (he’s currently not working again). They’ve all put a lot of strain, debt, and stress on us. Josh contacted me again in June of this year. My heart fluttered to hear him on the other end again and we started talking on the phone daily until actually meeting up in July. We met up for a drink after work, a chat in the park, etc. Which all led up to a night out together that ended up being not-so-innocent. It so felt right, I missed Josh so much, I am still in love with him. But I hate that I had become my ex-husband. A cheater……………… Josh and I have continued a weekend relationship ever since July. Do I stay with Bob, cut off contact with Josh again and try to move on? The thought of not being Josh again hurts horribly to the point of being sick. Do I leave my husband? ……which is a very scary thought now. I love Bob because he’s the father of my girls and great at taking care of them when I need him to, we have a nice home, he’s very supportive of my going back to school, and he’s just a good man to me. However, I’m IN LOVE with Josh. I always have been. I’ve never been able to get over him. If I left Bob, all of my friends and family would HATE me for leaving a great guy. Plus failing a 2nd marriage makes me look/feel worthless. However are these all good reasons to stay together?

Do you think it's normal?

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