A child in africa has only one arm and one leg,
yet he has to cycle over 10 miles to school each day. . .

Just £2.50 and you can see his video on the internet, its fucking funny

A blonde girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the blonde girl notices something
strange about the boots the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink,
but why doz one of your boots 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot
and the one with the L is for me left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the blonde girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them

News just in! "Foot and mouth found on Scottish farm!"
Fu ck knows if they'll ever find the rest of Colin McRae.

GRANNIES ON THE ROAD This could be some of us in a few years....or even now?

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers a state trooper sees a car puttering

along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit.
What seem s to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fu ck off, you won't bring it back."

What does whisky and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both come in tots...

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one.
His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"

A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom.
He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.

Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is
known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?
I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Why is the Bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."


If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

A man has been found floating in the Thames River,
wearing a Chelsea football shirt, a suspender belt,
fishnet stockings, a ball-gag, and a 12" black vibrator inserted into his anus.
Although he has not yet been named or identified,
Thames Valley Police have removed the shirt to save his family any embarrassment.

Finally for today, and I gotta say my person favorite:-

It was the first day at school and the teacher was asking the kids what their fathers do for work.

She asked this one little girl, "What does your daddy do?" and she said
"my dad is a doctor and he helps people when they're hurt".

Then the teacher asked this little boy, "What does your daddy do?" and he said,
"My daddy is a mechanic and fixes cars when they are broken".

Then the teacher asked this sad little boy, "What does your daddy do?" and he said
"my Daddy's dead", "Well" the teacher said, "What did your daddy do before he died?"

The Boy said "He turned Blue and shit on the floor!"

ooo i got the 1st 1 in a txt the other day lol
xx

Bit like your brains then and certainly better than the crap thats been flying round the last few days. But hey, remember this. YOU GAVE ME THE LINK. Whats that say about you. next one is about you.


A Liverpudlian goes into a gay bar for a beer.
He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck.
He approaches the Liverpudlian and whispers something into his ear,
whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to
punch the living fu ck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door,
kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose.
The Liverpudlian then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar,
whilst the horrified staff and clientèle stood silent and motionless.

Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:

Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"

Liverpudlian: "Dunno, but it was something about a 'JOB'."

This hillbilly girl goes into her doctor's office complaining about having terrible pain in her knees.

The doctor checks her out and, sure enough, he knees are red, swollen and badly scratched up.

"So what have you been doing to have this happen?" The MD asks.

"Oh," The hillbilly girl mushmouths her reply. "'At there's from fuckin', doing it doggystyle all the time."

"Well," The somewhat embarrassed Doctor replies. "There are other positions you could try, besides doggystyle."

"Well shore, I know that." The hillbilly girl explains. "But my doggy don't!"

Whats up with all the "funny" posts above me?

your mom lightned up things around more than your lame jokes