What does spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

When your boy friend has to chew before he swallows.

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob from your granny.

It feels great but for Christ's Sake, don't look down!

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says
"Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Son!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film.
A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?

How did they go about improving the public transportation system in Harlem?

They planted the trees closer together.

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both leave little boys bedrooms with empty sacks.

I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids
and I thought "Fuck it. I could win that!"

A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?"
So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole...
but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA."

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party.

The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick.

What does a negro have that's white?
An owner.

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park
when they are jumped by two thugs.
Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries,
"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss, mine does!!!"

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up
to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over!

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.

One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker
on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt.

The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting
that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response.
So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developements.

After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.

"What happened?" demands a doctor...

"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked" comes the reply

Paddy meets a girl in a disco, after buying her several drinks he says
"wanna go and fuck?" the girl says "sorry but i'm on my menstrual cycle"
to which paddy replies
"great i'm on my scooter, i"ll follow you home"

4 pakkis fall off the cliff in a zaphira, what do u call it?
a shame..... cos it can hold 7

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball!

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

whats the difference between a black man and a pizza



a pizza can feed a family

There once was a young girl called Maddie
She had such an irresponsible daddy
Snatched from her bed
She's probably dead
Raped by a Portuguese baddy.

Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.

Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300 dead.

Fu ck it. Makes you proud to be British.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,
"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said,
"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said,
"Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed.
"Oh shit, it's started"

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend,
Shelia, about to jump off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells,
"Sheila, what the hell d`ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says,
"G'day Bruce, ya got me pregnant and now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Strewth Shelia....not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too!"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up,
She said I have to stop wanking,
When I asked why, she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam
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