One day in the great forest, a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.
This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.
By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen", the frog said.
"I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest,
besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all,
he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me,
were female."The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across
a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in
such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller,
"whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
"I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room
is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there,
in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body,"
he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,
but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
"All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed,
gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner,
look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you,
no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom,
so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

This gay bloke tells his boyfriend that he has got a nice new tattoo on his arse as
a special treat for him, so anyway he pulls his pants down and bends over to reveal
Mike Tyson on the right cheek, and Lennox Lewis on the other, his boyfriend shrieks
"Oh, my god, there's no way I'm getting into the ring with those two fuckers!"

Did you hear about the gay magician?
He disappeared with a poof.

Alan and Cyril two gays live together, Cyril dies.
Alan rings round all their friends and invites them to a celebratory meal to honour his wonderful lovers life.
The evening arrives and they all sit down to the hottest curry any of them have ever tasted,
one of the friends asks "Why were we not invited to the funeral for Cyril?"
Alan replies "I didn't want a funeral or a cremation for him so to be honest I chopped him up
and we`re all eating him in the curry." All the friends start throwing up and one of them calls the police.
Down at the station the detective horrified by the statements from the guests sits down if front of
Alan and asks "From what your friends have told me you loved Cyril, you've never shown
any violent tendencies before so for the love of God why would you chop him up and make
a curry out of him?" Alan looks up slowly with tears in his eyes and says
"None of you understand, I just wanted to feel him dribble out of my arse one last time."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on
how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"Daddy Longlegs" the father replied
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied
"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then,
raised her foot and stomped them flat and said,
"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."

There is a Gay & Lesbian convention at a hotel. The hotel catches fire. Who gets out first?
The gays - they packed their shit the night before.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Elton john walked into a tattoo parlour and asked to have a Rolls Royce tattooed on his dick.
The tattooist suggested that he has a Land Rover tattoo instead, as it's less likely to get stuck in shit.

What were two poofs doing in a phone box?
Ringing each other.

What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.

Q: How do you get three gays on a stool?
A: Turn it upside down!

A man is out walking in the hills when he sees a woman standing on the edge of a cliff.
She is very upset and crying loudly. "What are you doing up here?" says the man.
"I'm going to kill myself," replied the woman.
"Well, before you do, what about letting me fuck you in the ass?" said the man.
The woman proceeds to let him fuck her in the ass and it's the best one the guy can remember.
"Anyway, why do you want to kill yourself?" asks the man.
"Because my family have disowned me for dressing up as a woman."

Two gays are on the beach. One says: "Shall I put the brolly up?"
The other one replies: "Yes, but don't open it for fucks sake!"

A lesbian joins weight watchers. Her teacher tells her, "You are what you eat."
The lesbian knocks her out with one punch.
When asked why she did it she replies... "'cos she called me a cunt"!!

Four men regularly play golf at their local golf club. On this particular day,
three of the men go to the first tee, while the other man goes to the clubhouse and pays for everyone.
While the fourth man is on his way to the first tee himself, the other three begin to discuss
what their sons do for a living. The first man says
"My son is an estate agent. He's so important at his company that he was able to give one of
his friends a house for free." The second man says "My son works on the stock exchange,
he's so wealthy that he was able to give one of his friends 500 free shares in a multi-million company."
The third man says "My son is a car salesman. He's so wealthy and important at his company
that he gave one of his friends two free cars."
When the fourth man returns, the other three ask him what his son does for a living.
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not proud of it,
but at least he's doing pretty well for himself. Some of his 'friends' have given him stuff,
including two free cars, 500 free shares and a free house."

Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?
They gave each other the willies!

Why don't gays do 70mph?
Because 69's a mouth full...

(Except with spammie)

Two gays living together.
First one says "Let's play hide and seek. I'll go hide and if you find me I'll suck your cock."
Second one says "What if I can't find you?"
First one replies "I'll be under the bed."

A bloke was sent to prison and placed in a cell with a huge, burly guy.
When lights-out occurred, the big guy got out of his bunk and said to him,
"We're going to have sex! You want to be the Mommie or the Daddie?"
The terrified bloke replied..........
"Uh, well, I guess I'll be the Daddie."
Then the burley guy said,
"OK then, get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"

Q: How can your tell your best friend is gay?
A: He gets a hard on when you fuck him up the arse.

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!

Sol Campbell is requesting a transfer back to Tottenham.
He heard there strikers are Bent and Keane!

A huge mean looking guy with scars on his face and covered in tatoos walks into a bar and
goes and stands in the middle of the room. He turns to the guys sitting on his left and shouts
"All the guys sitting on this side of the bar are motherfuckers! Any of you got a problem with that?"
Then he turns to the right side of the bar and shouts "All the guys sitting on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!
Any of you got a problem with that?" Noone wants to mess with this guy so they all look down at their drinks.
A man on the left side of the bar gets up and walks towards the tough guy.
"What the fuck are you doing?" the tough guy demands.
The man says "I think I'm on the wrong side of the bar..."

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I",
pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants,
whips out his dick and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off
he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was trying to tell you I'm coming!"

Whats the difference between a gay and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

How do you spot a gay man in a girls' changing room?
Well, it's not hard

A guy goes to the doctor "Doctor you gotta help me, my anus is killing me"
"ok, pull yer pants down and bend over, lets have a look"
The guy pulls his pants down, and bends over. Doc has a good look up the guy's old dirt highway.
"hmm, oh yes I know what the problem is, I'll give you this ointment, and I want you to apply
it up your ass twice a day. to make it easier, get your wife to do it for you,
all she has to do is apply some on her finger then stick it up there, I'll do the first application for you now"
So the guy's bent over and the doc applies a good dollop of ointment up the guys ass
and sends him on his merry way. Later that night, guy and his wife are getting ready for bed.
"Honey could you put some of this ointment up my ass please? it's really easy,
all you gotta do is put some on your finger and stick it up there, doc did the first application for me this morning"
so the guy bends over, so his misses can lube his ass up.
As she's greasing her hubby's bumhole, she asks: "honey, just out of curiosity, which finger did the doc use?"
At this point, the guy's face goes white as a sheet... "what's the matter hun?" enquires the wife worringly,
"I...I just remembered, the doc had both hands on my shoulders!"

A guy comes into a bar one day and says to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, i've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy comes into
the bar again and asks for the same drinks. When the bartender asks what the problem was today,
the guy says, "I've just found out my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy comes back into the bar yet again and orders another six double vodkas.
The barman says "JESUS! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah! Says the guy, "My wife..."

What's the most difficult thing about rollerblading?
Having to tell your dad you're gay.

Two gay men decide they want to have a baby, but they dont want to adopt because they want the
baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor
use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two gays are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery.
All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
"Wow," one of the gay men says, "our baby is the most well behaved one in here."
A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the dummy out of his arse."

Two gay guys are going hard at it when a fire breaks out in their apartment.
Which one gets out safely, the one giving it or the one getting it?
The one getting it. He already has his shit packed!

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

What did one gay sperm say to the other?
"How we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"

Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

Whats the definition of confused?
40 blind lesbians at a fish market.

How do you get a queer to have sex with a woman?
Shit in her cunt.

Did you hear about the gay cowboy?
He went into town and shot up the sheriff.

Q: What's the most popular pick up line at the gay bar?
A: May I push in your stool?

Why do gay guys wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud!

Did you hear about the two gay guys who had an argument in the bar?
They went outside to exchange blows.

2 condoms walking down the street and they see a gay bar, one says to the other
"let's go in there and get shitfaced!"

Two gay guys were getting frisky while in their shower and one of them didn't finish.
The phone rang and one of them had to get it. As he's getting out of the shower, he says to the other,
"Don't finish without me." The other agrees and waits in the shower.
Then when the first guy comes back he sees white stuff all over the walls of the shower.
"I thought I told you not to finish without me!"
"I didn't finish," says the other guy, "I farted."

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened
to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My partner loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My partner was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My partner was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a
pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

What do you call a gay guy's bollocks?
Mud flaps.

How can you tell if your best friend is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.

Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.

how can you tell when you're at a gay barbeque?
All the hot dogs tasted like shit!!

A man is driving along through a forest when he see's a naked man tied to a tree (facing the tree),
he stops and approaches the man. The naked man hears him coming and yells "Oh thank god!"
The driving man wants to know what happened before he unties him and the naked man tells his story
"I was driving along when suddenly I saw this naked woman tied to this tree,
I stopped and untied when suddenly these two muscle-bound men jumped me!
They took my money, my car and and even my clothes!"
The driving man says "oh dear, oh dear, its just not your day is it?" as he unbuckled his pants.

A gay man walks into the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this terrible pain in my stomach.
Is there anything you can do?" The doctor examines him and says, "Go home and eat a
red hot vindaloo everyday, and come back in a week." The gay goes home and does this.
The next week he goes into the doctors and say "Doctor, nothing has happened - I'm still in pain."
The doctor considers this and says "Hmm... well, make it 2 curries a day and come back in a week."
The next week the gay comes back and says to the doctor "Look - it's not doing anything!
Is there nothing else you can do?"So the doctor thinks for a bit and then says,
"Right, make it 3 curries a day and drink nothing but prune juce."
The gay goes home and does this and comes back the next week. He says
"Look doctor, I still have this pain - and now I'm just shitting all the time!"
And the doctor says, "Well, at least you know what your arse is for now."

A father walks into his gay son's room to find it covered in spunk.
"Have you been masturbating in here!" he screams with disgust.
"No dad I swear." says his son.
"I just farted before you came in."

Did you hear about the gay cannibal?
He blew lunch.

A gay bloke has answered an advert for a new mechanic at a local garage and is being
interviewed by the garage owner. The boss takes him to meet the other workers who ask him
what experience he has had. "20 years" says the old queen
"and if you stick a car key up my arse, I can tell you the make and model of the car it came from"
Somewhat bemused, one of the mechanics challenges the poof on this outrageous claim,
and decide to call his bluff. A random key is selected and poked up the gays arse..
Quick as a flash he says, " A Mark4 Ford Escort"
Amazed he is correct, they try again.. " A Honda Civic, 1.6, 2002 model"
Once again, he is spot on. A third mechanic tries another..."An Audi A6 2.8 Quattro, Metallic Grey,
1999 model, leather seats with faulty air conditioning and about 83000 miles on the clock.." he correctly answers..
Stunned, the garage boss grabs an old rusty spark plug from the bin and shoves it up the gays arse.
"oooohhh, that's Champion" comes the reply

Two queers are behind a pub carpark getting it on when a copper walks past and sees them.
He shouts "oi you two dirty fuckers come here" and both queers leg it.
He chases them over fences and fields for a mile or so before he loses them down
an alley behind a resturant. He walks down the alley and shouts "I know you two are down here,
if you don't come out now I am going to shove my truncheon so far up your arses you won't know
what day of the week it is" An effeminate voice whispers out from the alley "We're in the bin".

It's a vigorous night behind the bus station. Charles and Fred are having manic anal sex.
Fred shouts though, "God, god my stomach!"
Charles looks at the expression of pain on his face "What's the matter?"
Fred says "I think I'm having a baby."
Charles says "Don't be stupid, you're a man!"
Fred at this point is tearing, and doubled over. "I can feel it inside of me!"
Fred spasms, he drags his jeans to his ankles and a torrent of bloody shit flies from his arse.
He turns around and screams, "Oh shit, Charlie, look! Look! I can see the little arms and legs. Oh, god."
Charles walks over. "You nasty cunt. You shat on a frog."

Did you hear about the gay guy taking a piss....
He looked at the other guy to his right and saw a nicotine patch on his cock.
He asked "Does it work"?
"Yep," replied the guy, "I'm down to two butts a day."

A gay guy walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami.
'Would you like it sliced sir?' asked the shopkeeper politely.
'What do you think I am? A slot machine?'

How do you torture a queer?
Throw him into a bottomless pit.

Spammie and two male friends are driving down the road and they get pulled over by the police.
The cop walks up to them and tells them that they were speeding but he says
he'll let them go if they have 21 inches of penis-length between all three of them.
The cop takes each man to one side before strolling back over to the car.
"21 inches, right on the mark boys! You're free to go." he says before speeding away.
Spammie and his two friends return to their own car. As they're driving down the road again the first friend says to the others,
"You guys are lucky I had 10 inches." The second friend says to the other two,
"You're lucky I also have 8 inches."
Spammie turns and says to the other two, "You guys are just lucky I had a hard-on."

A gay man confesses to one of his friends that he's in love with his proctologist,
but has no idea how to tell the man. "Why not get him some flowers?"the friend says.
The gay man likes this idea, and makes an appointment for the next morning.
"Oh, doctor! I have a terrible pain in my ass, could you take a look?"
The doctor checks the man's ass, and is surprised to see a bunch of roses crammed in tightly.
He shouts "Good lord, man! There's a bouquet of roses up your ass!" The gay man says
"Never mind the flowers, read the fu cking card!"

What is the shortest recorded conversation between two queer cowboys?
"Yup?"
"Yup!"

What two words will clear a Gent's Toilet?

"Nice co ck!"

"Daddy daddy what's a transvestite?" "Shut up son and unhook my bra".

What a drag it is getting old......
When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the
corner and he was crying over his cocktail I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!'
He continued; 'He makes love to me every morning, and then he makes me pancakes, sausages,
fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'He makes me homemeade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then
he makes love to me for half the afternoon.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then
he makes love to me until 2AM' I said, 'Well, for GOODNESS SAKE! Why in the world are you crying!?'
And he said, 'I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!'

Daddy daddy, whats a homosexual? "Shut up son and keep sucking".

A truck driver stops off at a service station when he sees a very short man with a pointy hat and a wand.
He approached him and said "What do you do then?" The short man looked to his left then to his
right to see if the coast was clear. "I'm a fairy, mate." He replied to the truck driver. "Bullshit" said the
truck driver, "no really I'll giv' ya any wish that ya desire." The truck driver thought it couldn't hurt to
make a wish so he wished for a million quid. The fairy waved his wand and said his wish was granted
and his money was in his bank account. The truck driver said his thanks and was about to leave until
the fairy shouted to him before the truck driver could scarper. "'Ere mate you couldn't do something
for me could ya?" The track driver listened and the fairy said "Ya see I don't get much sex as a fairy."
"You want me to get you a woman?" said the truck driver, "Nah, mate I'm not straight, I'm gay." said the fairy.
The truck driver was smart enough to realise that the fairy wanted him so he said to go into the back of the truck.
The fairy removed his pointy hat and clothes and sported a massive erection, possibly 10 inches,
the truck driver was regretting this already as he slowly took off his trousers. The truck driver bent down
and waited for the fairy to insert his penis and he did. The truck driver was in absolute pain as there was
no lubricant and his sphincter was cracking due to the colossal sized fairy's penis. The fairy was thrusting
away as the truck driver was grunting in agony. Halfway through the fairy moved his head down to the
truck driver's ear and whispered something. "You're a bit old to be believing in fairies."

A guy is having no luck with the ladies, so he heads off to his local sex emporium. There he meets an
old mysterious man behind the counter, who gives him a knowing nod as he enters and peruses the shelves.
Finding nothing that he can see would help him get more pussy, he approaches the old man.
The old man asks his problem and he explains that he just cannot seem to get laid. The old man taps his nose...
"I have just the thing.." From under the counter he pulls a box and says "This is a pair of very rare
Magic Love Slippers. You just put your feet in these and you can screw any woman you like."
"Fuck off. No way" says the man.
"Try them."
The guy puts them on the floor and slips his feet into them. In a flash, his cock is hard and he
leaps over the counter and begins to fiercly fuck the old man right up the arse. The old man shrieks..
"You've got them on the wrong feet!"

How can you tell if a rabbit is gay?
It's always pulling hares out of it's bum.

A gay walks into a butchers and asks from a large Salami Sausage,
"Would you like that sliced sir?" asks the butcher
He replies "What do you think my arse is? A fucking money box!?"

Several gay men are sharing a hot-tub in a Californian resort.
Suddenly a blob of blood-stained semen surfaces amid the bubbles and one of them shouts
"OK, who's farted?"

Why do gays have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks

Did you hear about the gay Eskimo?
He kept sticking his arse out of the igloo window to see if he could get a chap on it.

What have Take That and two sexually active homosexuals got in common?
They are both fu cking shit!

Why are there so many ladyboys in Thailand?
Because they Bangkok