Are You Normal?
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I hate my kids
I had children with the plans to be a career mom and the main breadwinner. My husband was to stay at home with the kids. Unfortunately, I have a very irresponsible ex husband. The day our first born came home from the hospital he disappeared for three days. When I realized I was pregnant again and returned to work, because I am a 'responsible mom' and somebody needed to bring home the bacon, I came home to find the baby covered in feces in his crib and my husband fast asleep. CAS got involved and I needed to quit my job, because I am the 'responsible mom'. It didn't take long to realize that if I wanted to continue with my career I would have to pay for a sitter, even if he wasn't working because he was negligent. I paid for this because I am the 'responsible mom'. Needless to say, he left us and became homeless for a while, making his visits in my home as he has nowhere else to take them. He is the hero and I hear about it every day. I continue to plug away, trying to build my career around babysitters, doctor appointments, school appointments, dentists, etc, etc, etc. I get told many times a day how great daddy is and how bad I am because I have rules and I'm a 'responsible mom'. I wake up every morning to the sound of their terrible shrill kid voices, their food fights and their stalling tactics that make it impossible for me to get ready for work and that make me late for work. They hold me back professionally. I pick them up at night and I wrestle with them to go to bed, so that I can make up for being late by finishing my work while they're asleep. I was talked into getting custody, getting a will and life insurance to ensure that they are taken care of, even though I do not want to be a 'responsible mom'. Nobody seems to believe me...it isn't normal that a mother wouldn't want to take care of her children....even if she was planning on being the breadwinner, she should have some 'natural maternal instinct' that takes over...RIGHT?? Well, I don't. I hate my kids. I hate waking up with them around. I hate eating with them. I avoid them. Do you think I am normal?
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That being said, whats done is done. You are not doing anything wrong in being the one to set rules. Its normal for one parent to be demonized in the children's eyes. I disliked my own mother for a while, I was a bit of a snotty little bitch to her, but she was what held the family together. My father was there for my childhood and part of my siblings' childhood, but he was never neglectful when he was alive. It is a shame that you have had to deal with such an irresponsable man, and worse that your children can not yet recognise that he is a deadbeat who left most, if not all of the burden on you.
Its not fair that you should have to sacrafice your goals, when he apparently does not have any anyway.
Are you still married to him? You should focus your anger on your husband. At least that has a chance of getting you some support.
And when your kids are old enough, you will inform them on his negligence. If they don't accept it, so be it, but you know the truth, and so will people you confide in.
Thank you potatoe for inquiring, yes, I managed to get a divorce after 3 years of having to wait endlessly for his passive responses to court orders and losing very much in the meanwhile...they wanted me to claim bankruptcy in order to stop his abuse of the legal system. I tried to allow him custody of the children which is when he decided to 'go homeless'. At the courts request, I opened my home to him for his visits, but he makes appointments with the kids and does not show, or shows three days later unexpectedly. Directing my anger at him only makes him hurt the children more.
Pooltoy, I do also honor your perspective, as I believe that we all have every quality to our characters. I wish that I could find the narcissist in me in order to counter the situation. I have offered the children into his custody, but he prefers to board at an old woman's home instead of finding a suitable residence. He has evaded taxes for three years now and so collection of support has not occurred...I think that if I could muster my narcissistic qualities, I might have a fighting chance.
-See ya
I find that the stupidest kids/young adults/peers I know are the ones that have been coddled like little treasures constantly.
Being a mom is tough,it's a 24 hour a day,7 days a week kind of job,and especially being a single mother makes it even tougher. Might i make a few suggestions: I think you are looking at this whole situation the wrong way. This isn't about your kids at all,this is really about you. Your hopes and dreams have been crushed,but you shouldn't give up just because you have brats for kids. The first mistake you made was trying to be a career mom,and having a stay-at-home dad for a husband. about him,he needs to pay child support,irregardless if he doesn't have a job they will still make him pay something, hey 100 bucks a month is free money. If people tell you that you're a bad mom then confront them, and ask them why,and if they cant give you a straight up answer then tell them to go fuck themselves. I'm a "responsible mom" what do they expect you to do be a party mom,and lose your kids to foster care. you may not think this right now,but you're doing the right thing,you would feel so empty and guilty inside if you gave up your kids.Loosen up try to have fun with them,maybe they will loosen up too,and give you the respect and space you deserve.If they are toddlers you might want to consider daycare,it will help them trust me. When they get older it will get so much easier too,I promise.just hang in there, you may think you hate your kids,but you dont. Learn to live life,and always regret nothing.
-dirt dobbler
I can only guess at the many details that form the entirety of your relationship with your husband and children, but I wonder if he was ever completely on board with the idea of being a stay-at-home dad in the first place. I also wonder how you could have married this man and have had the first child without having any insight into his irresponsible nature, let alone having a second child with him.
I have found that it is not uncommon for women who have dominant natures to enter into relationships with men they can feel superior to. I am not suggesting that this is true in your case, but it is something to consider given the fact that you knew so much about this man before you entered into marriage but chose to have children with him and support him even though none of this was in your best interest OR his best interest, either.
I can understand your resentment of the situation, but the statement that your children are "holding you back professionally" is terribly, terribly sad. Please bear in mind that they lack the maturity to understand everything that you are going through and probably look up to their father because he appears more relaxed and less stressed than you are.
You desperately need advice and support that you cannot find here. These kids deserve better, and so do you. Please do whatever it takes to put your priorities in order and to nurture the fragile relationship you have with your children.
here is a self centered individual who has poor judgement and has made very poor choices in her life, yet takes NO blame her self. none at all!!! incredible.
most disdain worthy is the fact that she is damaging innocent children who did not ask to have the great privilege of having two horrible parents, one of which is a selfish piece of crap for a mother.
while the poster's honesty at least is to be appreciated, turning her into some victim of sexism constitutes an ultimate stupidity, and helps to explain why the terms "politically correct" and "idiot" are often used together in a sentence.
to quote aunt mea: "sometimes to do what's right, we have to give up our dreams, even the thing we want the most"
For instance violent10dency said so eloquently:
"The first mistake you made was trying to be a career mom,and having a stay-at-home dad for a husband."
This is clearly a gender bias. Calling what I said "politically correct" does not make it any less true or valid, because it is merely coincidence. Nice try though.
Did you not catch that?