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Is It Normal?
What do you think?
Selfish?
I'm an attractive 20 yr old college female and I'm in a relationship. My bf is 26 and we've been dating for about 3 months. He has a full time job as a mechanic, and I go to school full time, 1 1/2 hours away. Well, things have been going good with us being able to see eachother on weekends and I have no problem with that whatsoever. We get along great (though he still is sorta in the single, me-phase...ie not as attentive as i'm normally used to), but other than that it's been wonderful. I just find myself getting very frustrated lately when we go out. He expects that I pay half everytime we go out. He has paid for me only a handful of times (like taken me out on a real date) and most of the time I was heavily hinting and sometimes pointedly asking. Now, in all of my past relationships i have never had a problem, and usually offer to pay half, just they didnt take me up on their offer. I'm not selfish (I know it sounds that way), but I guess I want some traditional gender roles going on and i miss feeling 'ladylike' or w/e with the guy paying. He also knows I have no job and am in debt which would cause me to think he would automatically want to help me out or be generous or w/e. I know I would be, cuz in past relationships when the guy couldnt pay a lot i would fork up some cash (when i had a job). It feels as though he doesnt want to invest in me or something, i've asked other guys what they think and most say he's cheap but he doesnt want to feel it's 'expected'. But every girl i ask says i should dump him and not put up with it. But I do really care for him, it's just that bothers me a lot for some reason (and not purely materialistic). Am I looking into it too much? Should I throw out the traditional gender roles? Should I talk to him about it, and if so, how can I do that without looking selfish and money hungry? Any advice would be fantastic!!
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Comments (14)
Anonymous
2006-01-31 01:51:09
If you get along just chat it over, I'm shore that's the best thing to do.
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silence (442)
2006-01-31 03:09:48
You have to remember guys have been dealing with feminists for a long time. They are fighting for equal rights. He's giving you just that. If women want equal rights, they got it. Pay for half, open the door for yourself, walk through the damn puddle. Ect. Now, I am not saying youa re a feminist, but it sounds like he just wants to treat you as an equal. OR perhaps he's not ready for a full relationship yet. He could just be slowly getting used to the idea. Why don't you just ask him outright if you are so frustrated about it. There could be a reason for this.
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Anonymous
2006-01-31 17:37:42
@: silence
He's a miser, why put up with that?!
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vortxx (1257)
2006-02-04 22:45:15
Some guys follow "rules" about spending money on girls. It keeps the "gold diggers" away. Its possible, but chances are, he's just cheap. After 3 months, he should be able to tell that your into him and not just money. He will probably always be stingy with his money, and expect you to tow your own weight. I personally always pay the girls way. I love it! Its nice to have a girl take me out from time to time though. Usually they dont think to once you set the precedent.
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NarNar (1324)
2006-02-05 11:55:15
My bf always offers to buy me things but i always refuse. It sounds like you are used to evryone else you went out with, all guys have different ways of treating girls, some buy you alot of small gifts, others buy you a few very expensive gifts, or he's just cheap ask him there must be a reason. :)
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jonpaul (1403)
2006-02-23 14:03:19
well first of all, yes you should talk to hime about it. but i don't think it's traditional gender roles you want. you don't want to stay at home and cook and clean all day and be uneducated. but you want your man to take care of you. sounds like you want a sugar daddy. best try and fix that, not your boyfriend.
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moonie (1027)
2006-03-04 00:20:18
what do you want
in this relationship? Sounds like he is not ready to finantially commit to a relationship, so give him time. Next time he asks you to do something, tell him that you would love to but that you can't really afford it right now. It's almost a sure fire way to get a free date for once. At least you two may come up with more inexpensive ways of spending time together, which is always affordable and will open up your personal relationship for more "us" time rather than always having a table or movie chair arm inbetween you. Try it ;)
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Anonymous
2006-03-05 06:24:23
How traditional do you want to be?
While I think I see where you're coming from I'd like to examine the guys side of this first. Some of this has been said already. How traditional do you intend your relationship to be? Are you going to college? Did you think you needed a degree to be a housewife? Or do you plan to persue your own carrear and hope that he helped out with more of the household cleaning than Ward Cleaver did for June, while still taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and checking downstairs with a bat when you heard a bump in the night?

Why should the man have to pay when women have an equal opportunity to compete with them in the job market? It ought to be considered an anachronism.

On the other hand, you have a sense that if he does not spend money on you that means that he doesn't value you as much as other men have shown you they valued you. The expendature was a message that they were devoted to you. This kind of value display is deeper than the economic and role changes of recent history.

Yes, even I expect that he's a cool player who enjoys your company but probably doesn't have an infatuated love for you. And yet I wonder how you gave equal value to the other men you knew before who always paid when you went out with them. And how you would match your current boyfriend's expendature if not in money. Are you really comfortable with treating men unfairly like that? And I wonder if you are also enough of a cool player to take the advice offered by others here and use a tactic of falsely claiming not to be able to pay your half in order to get a free ride for a change. It doesn't seem compatible with actual love to me either.
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aawood (1744)
2006-05-07 03:31:45
I think it's telling that you keeping making references to how you're worried you look to other people.

"I'm not selfish (I know it sounds that way)"
"that bothers me a lot for some reason (and not purely materialistic)"
"Should I talk to him about it, and if so, how can I do that without looking selfish and money hungry?"

He's putting in an equal stake in this relationship with you, from what I can tell, and for you that's not enough. You need to ask yourself one thing; are you in this for the man, or his money? If you're in this for the man, and he is kind, and loving, and attractive, and you get on great, then there's no discussion. If he was asking YOU to pay for all the meals, your friends might have a point about him begin cheap, but as it is he's paying his way, and expecting you to do the same.

You also state that you've been going together for 3 months, and that he's paid for you a few times. So that'll be more than once a month? And I presume you've never taken him out in this time?

On the other hand, if you need the feel of being financially supported by your boyfriend, then yes, you should have a talk with him. But you better have a better reason than "tradition". Tradition is the name we give to things we do even though there's no reason anymore.
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Missteya (1853)
2006-05-08 01:20:38
Relationships are partnerships. I expect the guy to pay for the first couple dates, but after that I assume we'll go fifty/fifty. And the times that the guy insists on paying, I insist on paying the next time. You shouldn't put so much emphasis on money. He's probably upset that you've outright asked him to pay. I know I would be.

Try treating him once in a while. He'll most likely return the favor and forgive your selfishness. Traditional gender roles regarding payment are ridiculous. Do you really expect your husband to support you? If you get along otherwise, you really don't want something as trivial as money to ruin it.
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Anonymous
2006-05-08 02:46:43
I second the last comment
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Anonymous
2006-05-08 13:07:43
Gender roles are dead, pull out that pocket book and start paying for your half.

TANSTAAFL people
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Griffen2o (2013)
2006-05-11 11:27:51
keep in mind he is only a mechanic, and unless he works for bmw or mercades, he may not make that much after trent car insurance and gas cell fone and what not
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1harleigh (2698)
2006-07-10 13:12:15
It's so hard to talk your guy about this because of the whole Gold Digger scenario's...I know b/c my situation is the (exact) same as his is the first guy that I've ever been with that is like , so how about you take me to lunch today.. Of course I'm like okay...but this occurs just a little bit too often for me. Even for dinner's out and drinks and things. The kicker for me is that he has plenty of money and won't spend it on me. I just don't get it he says he loves me and this and that, and I love him as well, and I do pay as well, at least I did. The thing is that I had to bring the whole financial thing up with him, and that is so embarrasing. But if you don't let someone know that you have bills you need to pay instead of spending your extra money on dinners and drinks or whatever it may be, they will never know this is the case. And they will assume because you offer that you can afford it. It's the hardest thing I ever had to say to a man is that I can't afford it...because I wish that I could....He will either understand or maybe hes not the right guy for you...
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