Women running off/drifting away

I posted this.

Well this could be caused by a lot of things a couple of witch are your personality and your looks. Frankly without knowing you i dont know how to answer your question properly.

Just be yourself and eventually you will meet somebody that you "click" with in the meantime keep trying.

Aren't you that kid who was obsessed with an anime character, and wanted to marry it? no wonder they run off hah, okay seriously it's definately you, or maybe just somehow you keep running into girls who are lezzies, are shy, or are just not ready for a relationship. Try acting like you don't need a girl, and they will flock all over you.

I don't think it's my looks as I've been told I'm attractive. As for personality, I am a nice guy, so I don't see what else it could be.

It could be that I am running into the wrong kind of women. Like violent said, I am probably running into bad types of women, such as lesbians, gold diggers, etc. etc. But it still doesn't seem clear because it's happened too often. I don't know of any other guy that has had this problem and has had it repeat over and over.

Maybe your being to nice. I have this problem and chicks tend to think of me more has a friend and think of assholes has great dating material. Just be a dick.

Being nice really gets you no where. I learned this the hard way. I used to be a real nice guy, but they would always just run off with some douchebag who they know will treat them bad. I hated these people,i hated how women acted, i hated the way there stupid minds work, and i hated the way they would talk about how they want a nice guy all the time but would just ignore all the nice guys. So i became what i hated. Its the only way you will get anywhere with women because they are fucking stupid animals.

But seriously, Josh. Getting back to what Vi was saying, I think she's on to something, there. Subconsciously, I wonder if you're letting these women know that they aren't measuring up to this character that you've worshipped for so long. You were pretty adamant about it: you posted about her twice in long, loving detail.

I'm not trying to make light of it by bringing this to your attention. I'm just trying to inject some reality into your perspective. It may indeed be that you're picking women who are not available, but the next question becomes WHY are you picking such women? Or is it actually YOU who is not available? Just something to consider. It sounds like you really do want someone in your life, but you may be setting very high standards that will make it difficult for anyone to qualify.

"Scrubs" -- best show on TV. Good stuff, there, dot.

JanIAm: No, these girls know nothing about the character thing.

I don't think there is any way to find out the real reason why this happens. All I know is that the girls show interest and then they just take off. They use excuses like "I'm busy", "I'm not ready for a relationship", and "I change my mind".

Those excuses are bullshit because if those claims were true, they wouldn't be showing interest in the first place. I just went out with this one girl and she pulled the same damn shit. It's just getting annoying know.

I assume you're dating girls in your same age range, which is the early 20s. Many people are still going through an "extended adolescence" at that age; still uncertain of who they are and where they're going in terms of school, work, friends, relationships, living arrangements, and so forth.

I really know of no magic formula for guaranteeing sincerity in relationships with the opposite sex. Most people hardly know their own hearts and minds, let alone how to effectively interact with another human being. This is why it's generally a good idea to let relationships evolve slowly over time, and in the course of knowing one another over a common interest, rather than getting together in an artificial setting like a dating club, where the emphasis is purely on making a "match."

I'm not familiar with the book that normal_guy recommends, but it might be worth a look. Meanwhile, I'd try to have a forgiving attitude towards the women who rejected you. Think of their initial interest in you as you would if they had seen something in a store that caught their eye that they wanted to purchase. They came into the store, took a closer look, checked the price, and decided against the purchase after receiving the additional information. This doesn't devalue you in the least, in my opinion. Perhaps they only had so much available in "emotional reserves" to expend and felt that they could not meet your requirements.

I do have some empathy for your situation, remembering my own college years and the long gaps between good relationships. Most of the men who approached me, in fact, were invariably trying to coax me into joining the local Scientology chapters, and it used to infuriate me ;-) I really do wish you good luck on this.

JanIAm: There has to be a reason "why" they are rejecting me though. Women just don't take interest and then "reject" out of the blue for no reason.

The only solution I can come up with is I need to experiment. I need to somehow pinpoint on what is causing the women to reject me. I think if I keep talking to women and dating them, the obvious will soon point out.

I need to somehow study them and find out. I think the reason why I am getting rejected is because there are other men chasing them and I'm losing out. It might just be bad luck in general because when it comes to single women, there is always competition.

One thing I have noticed is that when I meet a single girl, I usually hear some small story about a guy chasing her. This could be the reason, but still, it's a little hard to pinpoint the real reason right now.

"Captain Obvious" here -- but have you ever had an "exit interview" with any of these girls to determine a common theme? This can be difficult, as I'm sure you're reluctant to ask "why" and they're reluctant to be completely honest about "why". Still, if this continues to be a problem for you, the women who are leaving are the best source of your information.

We've probably already discussed this before as well, but it seems like you have a deep interest in anime. Do you belong to any anime fan groups? Again, I realize this is an obvious question; it just seems like one place you might meet a girl who would share your interests.

I really do hope you find your answers on this. I could feed you all of the usual lines about you meeting someone "when the time is right" and that you should concentrate on your school and/or hobbies now, etc. But the need for love is overwhelming at times, and it tends to take center stage in our lives at times when we may not even want it to. I hope 2008 will be a good year for you in this regard -- hope to keep hearing from you as well.

JanIAm: Alright, here is what I've came up with today. I sat down for a while today and thought about this, but this is what I came up with.

Let's look at this at different point of view.

- Problem: Women are running off/drifting away.

- Theory: There is something about me that is causing this. This doesn't just happen for no reason.

- Solution: Find out what the problem is.

Alright, this is what I came up with. I think the reason why this keeps repeating is because there is something that the women don't like about me. My senses are telling me that I might be being too forceful or pushy when it comes to talking to them, which may be causing them to scare off.

If I can somehow get the experience on how to play a woman's emotions, I can probably get any woman I want to. I believe the key here is to know how to play a woman's heart, and once I do that, women will be flocking around me.

What I need to do is find out the key to a woman's heart, I believe this will cause them not to run off and decide to stay with me. I just somehow have to find these keys.

Like violent said, she says I need to act like I don't need a woman, which means I need to play hard to get. I know for a fact this works because women were flocking around me during my anti-social years. This means that yes, you DEFINITELY need experience to pick up a woman.

If the woman "senses" that you are hard up, they will know it and tend to move on. Again, the key here is to know how to play the game.

btw, yes, I am into anime. I'll be joining an anime club soon.

Just injecting some personal experience-
I've dumped several "nice guys" in the past few years- the reasons that me and my actively dating friends do this are usually because the guy is
-boring
-obsessed with talking about himself, no matter how much insight it is still a turn off (a girl must feel like she has won something, and not just had an open book thrown at her)
-no challenge to flirt with

So yeah, playing hard to get is a good idea if these things don't come naturally. Hone the skill while you're young :)

Potato: One thing I learned is that the higher your defense wall is, the easier it is to get someone. For example, when I was anti-social a few years back, I had TONS and TONS of women flocking over me. Mainly because I:

- Ignored them (to an extent.)
- Did not obsess over their beauty.
- Had an attitude of not caring weither I'm liked or not.
- Was mysterious (barely talked to them.)

The "defense wall" type of body language causes women to WANT you. I think it's because women don't like to big ignored and then they see a man with a high defense wall, it's a big challenge to them.

Maybe if I can look back at those years, but use a slightly different technique this time, it may actually work. It kind of reminds me of math. You may get half of the formula right, but you need the other bits and pieces of the formula in order to have success.

I remember one time there was girl that liked me in her 30's and she was being very very pushy. I mean, she gave me her phone number and everything. This was a turn off to me because the girl was being too forceful, and I could tell by reading her body language on what she was trying to do.

One thing I also learned is that words don't always mean everything according to socializing with people. People can "read minds" by reading body language, and if you can't show the right body language, it could be problems for you.

I now realize that women are reading body language rather than going by words a lot. So the key here is to use your head and know how to work with body language.

If I can somehow raise my defense wall and use the correct ways to show good body language towards a woman, I may have something going. But in the meantime, I need to learn new steps of women in the future.

I can't help but wonder if this is the sort of thing, though, that is not meant to be strategized too closely. You seem to be trying to work this out like a game, as though you were plotting out Chess moves. This works well when you're dealing with games that have a limited number of possible solutions, but it doesn't always work so well with people. People are endlessly complicated, and most of us resist trying to be "solved."

I do agree with you that neediness tends to drive people away, and you should strike a balance between being available and appearing desperate. That might take some practice. Do you have a trusted female friend who might be able to work out some scenarios with you? A little role playing might help you to work through some of the possible steps in meeting someone and going through the various phases of asking them out, etc. She might also be able to pick up on some of the body language cues you've mentioned here, if that might be a source of some of the trouble you're experiencing.

Above all, DON'T over-analyze this, though. Finding love is a great deal like trying to get a stubborn cat to sit in your lap. No matter how much you coax it to come to you, it resists your attempts. Finally you give up the effort, and decide to sit down and read a book. Then, all of the sudden, the damned cat leaps into your lap, purring and friendly as can be. It's often when you relax and let nature take its course that things finally go your way.

Well, maybe he DID check it out, though. Josh does seem to be pretty motivated. I've never heard of the book you mention, but if they had a similar one for women, I'd probably give it a glance myself since you speak so highly of it.

JanIAm: I agree. I should let the man upstairs control the relationships as I have no power over love or women. I should just go with the flow and perhaps pray some more about it.

Maybe if I just kick back and relax, everything will fall into place.

Well, good luck to you. I hope you'll report back. I do wonder if the book that normal_guy mentioned is any good? It might be worth a look. Just for the heck of it, I've enclosed a link for his web site. It can't hurt to check it out:

http://www.datingtipsformen.info/?cp=t&gclid=CPLnjNWCjZECFQiXiQodlQzu-w

Hey buddy, I was working on an essay about Hans Christian Anderson and while I was looking at his story "The Little Mermaid" I found something rather interesting: According to the wiki, there is an anime adaptation from the 70's and 90's where the Mermaid is a young girl named Marin (sound familiar?) Not sure if this might be it but it seemed too coincidental to your character that you have dreams about. Anyway go look it up on Wikipedia, if you're interested. Can't say your obsession is healthy to be sure, but maybe after you see this it'll help clear your mind.

Oh yeah, also I posted this in your other story but it seemed pretty old, so I'm posting it here. Anyways good luck with your women troubles and I'm sure there will be that special someone for you. After all, there are millions of women out there that are all different.