You were raped sweetie. You did not say 'YES', I want to have sex with you. Something needs to be done.

You can't rape a slut

Actually, you can rape a slut, but that's not what we're talking about smartness.

I agree with Jenisis,you were raped.Even though you were probably both drunk,you still didn't say yes and you weren't even awake/conscious to allow to him to do this.Just because you were intoxicated doesn't make it right.If you told the police,it wouldn't make a difference.There's no evidence.It would be his word agaisnt yours.The only thing I am confused over is why you are dating him.

Well, when you woke up, did you say "no" i'm not intorested and he said ok then, because thats not rape, thats just a slut gambling for attention.

If he was sober and deliberately preyed on you cause you were drunk and vulnerable then yeah, sure it's rape. Go to the police, get the bastard locked up.
But if he was half as hammered as you and you ended up fooling around with neither of you saying stop, then it's only rape by the bulldyke feminist definition of the word. It's giant crock how when a man and a woman both get plastered and fuck, it's always the man's fault.
I'm guessing from the fact that you even asked this question in the first place that you're not a bulldyke feminist, so your answer in the second case should be 'no'. When you say that you have no memory of seeming 'into it', are you saying you can't remember what happened either way, or that you specifically remember it *not* happening?

As for jemini's suggestion that 'something should be done', just be aware that if you do publicly accuse this guy of rape, you'll be putting him through a whole world of shit. Even if police charges don't stick, he'll lose a lot of his friends, and you might too - all because you had one too many vodkas to remember how 'into it' you were or weren't.

Thank you for your input. It means a lot to know what you think, because, honestly, i dont know what to think or how to feel about this.

Well, this story happened quite a while ago, so no, i wouldn't go to the police at this point anyway. I just want to know what to think about this. I broke up with this guy about a week after he told me what really happened. I still have no recollection of how we "got going" that night. I came out of a blackout in the middle of having sex with him, and at that point i just went with the flow. That's why i want to know if it was rape or not---because i didn't consent when it started (i was apparently passed out!) but i didn't say no when i was conscious, either.

i just dont know. If i was raped, i dont think i feel raped (how would i feel?), but i feel awful about that nite, and the memories i have just make me hate myself. So thank you, i really value your inputs.

Rape is a generic term used to describe so many possible circumstances. The law uses the term "criminal sexual conduct" and subdivides it into different degrees with possible variables. This is more appropriate for determining right from wrong. This guys behavior falls into the catagory of 3rd degree criminal sexual conduct because it involved penetration as well as a victim who is "incapable of
voluntarily consenting to the sexual conduct due to a particular vulnerability". (meaning you were incapacitated). Your reaction upon waking up doesn't change that. So yes.. it was rape. Sorry.

u wanted it

If someone allows themselves to drink to the point of blackout while at a "huge party" with men, it seems to me they have already decided how the night will end up.

Okay, the book to read is called speak. A truly wonderfull book. Yes, you were raped, and I hope you can come to some closer with it. And all you people saying she deserved it or she wanted it, you all sounds like future(or past) rapists. Think about what your saying. Sure, getting drunk like that was not smart, but his story about changing you and you bing into touching him sounds like a pile of bull devised to keep you on his side.

not. you did not say no or fight when you realized what was going on. i have been there. the real issue is alcoholism and how alcohol affects decision making. yes it makes you feel really bad when you wake up with a stranger. it should, because it isn't right. i don't think it is immoral to have a one night stand, but it is best if both people are sober enough to not black out. it does make you feel raped because you probably would not have consented unless you were drunk. it should make him feel bad too because he may not have made advances unless he was drunk. still we choose to drink or not. i don't think you can put the blame on him. try to stop drinking, and these things will no longer happen.

to ironsufficent(943) you must be a male.it was not her fault.her boyfriend knew wrong from right.he knew she was drunk but he still decided to stick his cock into her.even if it was a prostitute and she said no the guy should know better to stop.i don't care if a girl was wearing the shortest skirt possible and flirting up a storm,its still not her flaut.its self control men don't have.plus,what girl u know goes out and wants to get raped?

although u have no memorie of it, if when u came back from your blackout you were okay with it and continued it you cant say it was rape, and besides u started to date this guy, i dont think you would purposly date someone who raped you, do u?

How is she a slut?!? She was drunk right.. u only live once yh... make the most of it so yh she might have been a bit flirty coz of the drink but dnt make her a slut does it.. tht bloke shudnt ave gone near her... especially if she passed out.. even i she sed yes its still rape coz she didnt ave a clue wht she was doin!!!

She a fucked up lil slut who desurves a cock slapped up her, HELL YERR.

In my opinion, his intent was rape as when he started he had no idea whether or not you would have wanted to have sex with him.

Whether or not you consented when you became conscious is irrelivant in my opinion, because he actions show that he would have started/continued whether you had wanted to have sex with him [and even been conscious] or not.

I don't think how drunk he was is relevant either. There's no excuse for having sex with someone who isn't conscious, the fact that you woke up and consented is just good luck on his part.

RAPE u where raped sorry to say it but u where u should go to the police and make sure because im not a cop so i dont know go to the police in my opinion u where RAPED!

If I go to bed with my girlfriend, as I do every night, and before we settle down to sleep I initiate sex, and she silently complies. Was it rape? According to the person who said that it is rape if she didn't say yes it was, because my girlfriend complied silently. Therefore we see that not saying yes is not a sufficient definition of rape.

The problem with the concept of rape is that it is entirely subjective. It doesn't depend on anyone's actions or words, it depends on what a woman wants. It is for this reason that there historically have been standards of action, a woman is required to show that she resisted in earnest in order to determine that rape occurred. Beyond evident actions or provable circumstances such as being underage there is never any evidence for rape but hearsay.

Since rape depends on what a woman wants an accusation of rape will fall flat anytime evidence can be presented that a woman actually wanted to have sex. This is as it should be where the legal system upholds the values of protecting the innocent and operates with the realization that consentual sex often does occur.

In this case the fact that after coming to conciousness you did not object to finding yourself having sex with the man, and second and more importantly, that you then found him worthy of continuing to date would destroy any possibility for the accusation of rape to stand.

If, on the other hand you had made a case out of it the very next day, or soon after and without persuing even a short relationship with this man, it might be a very different story. The odds would be against him.

But the great absurdity of this is that you are asking other people to decide what it was only ever your place to decide, whether a particular sexual encounter was rape.

If you have to ask if you were raped then you weren't raped!!!!!!!

Answering the anonymous reply:

1. I wasn't talking about this from a legal perspective. The woman who wrote didn't say she wanted to take legal action against the man, but wanted to get other people's opinions on how she should feel about what happened.

2. Initiating sex with your girlfriend, who is conscious [and not saying no] is a very different scenario from you having sex with her when she isn't even conscious to make a decision. Not to mention the fact that she is your girlfriend, and I imagine there is an understanding of some sort between you.
The man who had sex with the lady who was unconscious wasn't romantically involved with her, he just saw her unconscious and took what he wanted, without giving thought [or at least not caring if he did] to whether or not she would have wanted him to do what he did.

She woke up and consented, therefore legally, no, it wouldn't hold up in court. However, answering her actual question, which is how she should feel about it, especially seeing as she had a relationship with the man afterwards, I personally think that she should feel violated.

The word "rape" has distorted the question. What this woman is really asking is whether she should feel okay with what happened or not. Clearly this man has no respect for her wishes [at least under the influence of alcohol] and again, I personally feel that any self respecting human being would feel angry/hurt/violated having experienced that.

There are some valid points in your response to what I wrote. The largest problem I have with it though is that you want it to be ok with me for you to tell the girl that she should feel violated and focus on what the guy did to her. You want her to place blame, rather than thinking about responsibility.

As much as it is true that the guy's actions showed disrespect for her, putting herself in that position to begin with showed a lack of self-respect, it was not a well considered decision, and if she feels no sense of such actions following from putting herself in those positions she may continue that kind of risky behavior.
People who are reasonably aware should be able to see that, unfortunate or not, putting yourself in that kind of position is likely to have that kind of outcome.

It also bothers me that while everyone responding to this story seems to take it for granted that the girl wound up in this situation through lapses in judgement and conciousness while drunk but no one seems ready to suppose that the guy exercized poor judgement because he was intociated as well.
He may not have blacked out, but then neither do we know for sure whether the girl appeared to him to be unconcious. Sometimes the only thing that blacks out is your memory.
The scenario everyone here has agreed to assume is that a virtuous girl did something she wouldn't otherwise do under the influence of alcohol, and a selfish guy, who is assumed to be fully in control of himself selfishly took advantage of the situation. I say that doesn't fly.

If he was a little relaxed by alcohol he might well have done something that he wouldn't normally do. Same for her.

Just go with the flow.

It was rape. He saw you throw up, so he must have known you were really, really drunk. He lied you in his bed where you presumably slept, so when he came back later and started molesting you (and that is the term for it since you probably didn't consent) he knew you weren't aware of what was going on. In spite of that, he had sex with you without your sober consent. So you were raped, and now you're dating the guy. Dump him, get some self respect, and drink less next time.

thank you omerta, you said it much better than i was able to put it. I do have some clarifications for yall though.

> in this i do not, under any circumstances make myself out to be a "virtuous" gal. Rather i'm far from it, but not the type to sleep with random guys.

> i don't think that has any relevance at all to what happened just that night.

> i dated him afterwards, yes, until a week later i found out what happened. i left him immediately.

> i have no desire to pursue this issue beyond this website post. It's over and done with.

> and finally, the only reason i wrote this post was because i have no idea how to feel about that situation. I have been raped in the more well-known definition of it (girl says no, boy holds down either by force or fear, and does it anyway) and was later beaten and raped again. So I know how it feels to be violated and made to feel small and broken, but this doesn't feel like that at all. It just doesn't feel right, and I would like to know why.

so, was it rape? did i consent to it because i regained consciousness and went with it? or was it something else?

I have no idea, and your inputs help me get it into perspective, even though it happened a couple years ago and i'm over and done with it.


All I want to know is what he did, if anything, so i can finally let it settle. So thank you. Very much.

Four things-

1.He's a dick, he shouldn't have touched you without specific permission.

2. Blackout means you are passed out OR just don't remember- are you sure you just don't remember giving permission?

3. I hope every one of the the judgemental fuckwads who like to call random chicks sluts wake up at some party with a 14 inch cock buried in their ass.

4. You already know how you feel about it- bad. Don't try to victimize yourself, use this experience to learn how to deal in large groups of people- most of which do not have your best interests in mind.

You may or may not have been physically conscious at the time, who knows. But the guy was definitely irresponsible to do you if you had puked on yourself. That's a big clue that a person is in no condition to have sex. He is immature and so are you.

1. Did this penetration cause to bleed
2. Could you still sit down afterwards
If you answered YES to both these questions you were not raped

Yeah, this happened to me, but I DISTINCTLY remember telling the guy NO, and then he wouldn't stop, and I blacked out again. So, in case you are wondering, I never told the police, simply because if you do tell them, YOU are made out to be a slut, a whore, you were "asking for it", you "deserved it", and all the other crap they say to rape victims. I'm sorry it happened to you, and I know how you feel, but it just isn't worth it to put yourself out there and be torn to pieces just so this asshole *might* go to jail. But don't blame yourself when he does it again (he WILL), blame the "justice" system that makes the victims into the criminals. Oh, and to the person above me, rape does NOT have to be violent, rape is ANY unwanted or unsolicited sexual penetration, ok?

u should have thought of all this shit before u opened ur legs. and got shit faced with some guy. and falling asleep on his bed, ur nothing but a cock tease, sorry truth hurts

It's not rape if u can't remember yelling stop or not liking it, plus u sed u seemed to be into it, so f*cking deal with it, u tramp.

How can you say yes with a cock in your mouth

you didnt stop when it you woke up, so its not rape, it sounds like he had consent seeing how youere "going with the flow"

I think tsarinaamanda and I should get together and I'll get u tanked. Don't worry about the rest.

Yes, it's rape. Kill yourself now.

u got raped, big deal, i'm a male and i wish i'm raped by chicks all the time! stop getting drunk as f*ck then complaining about the outcome!

If you went to a party with a multitude of men and god drunk as hell WITH your history as a rape target, then I'm sorry to say but you are simply ignorant. You would be more cautious around men instead of making yourself such a target if the past had truly bothered you.

Have you heard about learning from experience? Women like you honestly confuse me.

some of the guys comments piss me off. the guy took advantage of the situation. you could go to the police, it may do no good, but this is a sexual predator when you think about it, he can say that he was drunk and wasn't responsible, but he did what he did and there is no going back. guys this is called owning it. but the next step is up to you, get tested for stds, and next time you go out partying try to go and leave with a friend, watch your drink so no one slips you anything, and if you feel like you're getting shitfaced, go home.

Awwh sweetie yoo were raped sorry dawling tell someone btw x

Are you a member of the human race? I hope not.

IT IS RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!omg he took advantage of u when u where durnk...he KNEW u were drunk and couldnt control u actions...go tell the poilce and put that DIRTBAG in JAIL

well it doesn't matter cuz ur datin' him now...so u like it anyway u look at it so....r u gonna put him in jail now i think not u lil' slut...u love dick too much!!!!

who cares.ur a lil sl*ut.

I say you were not Raped because if you have the intelligence to ask the question. then you should have the intelligence to know the consequences of over drinking, just because men are stronger, doesn't mean that they are at fault because you got yourself too drunk. but he shouldn't have done what he had done as well, how ever bear in mind he too was drunk. so I would say write it off as a lesson learned. its part of growing up, just learn your lesson to control your alcohol intake. no one else is responsible for you, if you're an adult so please take care of your self, if you think that you are going to be drinking too much have someone come to pick you up at a prearrange time. So you do not stay at that location to fall prey to such possibility of being raped. I also suggest to seek professional mental help to see if you may have repressed memories, as they maybe able to find problems from this event that you don't even know exist.