Are You Normal?

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23 years old and never been kissed
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I am a 23 year old female, and never even been kissed, so that would mean that I've never had a relationship or even got a fraction close to loosing my virginity (the later isn't really a problem, more the first) I'm good at talking to guys, I work with them all the time, but I don't have many guy friends outside of work, and the ones that I do know have girlfriends and/or are engaged. Iknow this topic has been put to this site before, but I am 23 and beginning to think that I'll never get kissed ever. I look at all the couples around me and I really want that for myself. And as a result of all this, if a guy were to show interest in me I shy away and become very nervous. Has anyone got any advise which might help me here? Is it normal that at 23 I've still had no boyfriend???
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Comments (59)
Oh my darling fellow traveller...

The last thing you are is ABNORMAL.
You know, I often think about the way our society has always set up these things for young people. It's difficult being young. We don't know who we truly are, and society and it's standards just push us and push us into forced experimentation.

Society has always had some ideal or another about sexual and romantic experience, differing depending on what gender you are.
'Caus your a gal, lets talk about women. E.G In Medieval Europe women were expected to incarnate this romanticized image of what being a virgin was...they weren't allowed to have ANY sexual freedom, and that was the standard suited to Medieval society. But nowadays society has an altogether different ideal, and it seems to be that of the unfailibly confident and experienced female who doesn't give ANY thought to the act of sex, or anything connected to it.

Simply put-don't listen to these degrading social "norms", because their all fake, and totally demean the reality of human experience. The truth is that physical contact of a romantic or sexual nature with a man or a woman is a big thing. It doesn't happen quickly or perfectly, despite what movies, magazines, music videos and TV dramas will try and tell you.

The fact is that it isn't JUST losing your virginity. Some of the people on here are making some very flippant, crude and inconsiderate comments that suggest otherwise. To say that being kissed or losing your virginity should just be done and gotten out of the way is really sad, and I pity the people who are saying stuff like "TRY AND MAKE YOURSELF LOOK MORE ATTRACTIVE-LIFE IS SHORT". What a tragic outlook on something that is IN REALITY so much deeper then that.

You aren't abnormal at all. By the sound of things about 80-90% of people here unanimously agree. You should hold your head up high and feel the sun on your skin and feel as assured as you possibly can that you're an exception among todays young generation. You want to feel love and connection, not something moronic, meaningless and ultimately immature in it's intentions.

Congratulations! You're a romantic and a sensualist. Babe, it's a quality rare to these times.

When you find the right guy (or who knows, the right gal) it will happen as it is destined. And it will happen my darling, believe me.

.Love + light.
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In addition to this encouragement, I'll say remember to swim in the sea of life. Get involved in groups, clubs, and parties that force you to meet many new people.
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Don't worry! I'm 27 and never kissed a girl either. If there's someone like you out there looking for the right guy, then there's someone like me out here looking for the right girl =)

Just think of when your first relationship will develop, it will be special because it will be for the first time and most probably with someone mature for once.

I have the same issue as you so don't give up yet! I'm not planning to!
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Blimey, you shy away when a guy asks you out? This could be the key. Guys ask you out, so clearly you are nice and attractive. The only thing is I guess you need to learn how to say yes occasionally. Obviously, if the guy is clearly creepy, then forget about him.

But if the guy is nice enough and he asked you out for coffee in a public place in the daylight, your risks are quite minimal. You think you're nervous, do you have any idea how the guy would feel? I'm a guy who's been rejected by several women and now whenever I ask a girl out to coffee or dinner, I'm nervous as hell!!!

Remember that in the early stages of dating, the guy essentially has to do all the work. Do I call her? When? Do I ask her out? When and where? What gift shall I buy? Will she like my personality? Do I take her out for dinner, coffee, movie or something else? What questions do I ask her? How do I appear intelligent and interesting? Anyway, you know what I mean. So there is no reason to be nervous, imagine what he's thinking!

Good luck and I wish you all the best.
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You are normal, I will honestly admit it. I just kissed a girl much older than you over the weekend, who had never been kissed before. And she's smokin' hot, but always thought most guys were after only one thing.

So no, you are not abnormal, YOU ARE NORMAL! Maybe a little behind society's set "schedule", but NORMAL!

Hope this helps! All the best.
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YOU'RE 23 AND YOU'VE NEVER BEEN KISSED?
OMGloluloser

Jeez woman, there are a lot of other worse things that could have happened. At least you're not 23 and raising two girls (named Chastity and Cherish) in a trailer park with Joe Bob Ray.

There are thousands upon thousands of women (in america alone) who are near the same age as you who haven't kissed a guy. So you're perfectly normal, don't worry about that.

Personally, I think you're making a bigger deal of the kiss than you should be. Your love life should be fun and spontaneous, not something planned out. Although you should always be watching out for potential disease carriers ><.

Also no matter what anyone else says, nobody knows your fears and weaknesses better than you do; so you should make a plan to rid yourself of these as soon as possible.

Lastly, while being in a relationship is fun there is a shit-ton of baggage that comes along with it. So never EVER be jealous of couples, because they're never EVER having as much fun as you think they are ;)

-cheers, ricky
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Hey it isn't a big deal.. I know a lot of other girls who are in the same situation (myself included) .. I'll tell you what I've been told.. Don't stress, go out, enjoy yourself and when it's meant to happen, it'll happen.

Some people have suggested the lesbian thing.. POINTBLANK WRONG...
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It's not that odd if you're shy.
If someone is coming after you it has to mean there's something that attracts them though.
You're being VERY hard on yourself.
It is hard to just go for it but just try. It may all blow up in your face but at least you took the plunge.
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Don't freak out. Just get involved in more social events and try and think of places that would have the kind of guy you are attracted to. Opening yourself up to new experiences will really help you to be able to connect with people.
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I don't think it's that big of a deal. I'm 23 and am in the same situation. You're not alone in your dilemma. I would give you advice, but you probably shouldn't take it from me!
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I will tell you straight up what you'd need to change/ do to get yourself a guy.

send me a pic of you and you'll get the truth.

the qub37 @ gmail . com
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I'm a 20 year old male, I've only had one girlfriend for a short amount of time, (right when i turned 19) it only lasted 2-3 months. So I can kinda relate to you here, every girl I meet that I'm interested is either taken or too old for me. I guess you and I both are just going to have to look past everyones flaws and accept them, however hard that may be.
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EatMyShorts
dont worry.its best to just wait for the right fella to sweep you off your feet.i rushed into having my first kiss.and it was the worse first kiss ever i wonder if it really was a first kiss??his mouth smelled and it was disgusting it was as if a dog was licking my face.yuck..worse time ever..ew..
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remember that if they're chasing you, they're in ur control.
another thing that may help is to realise that no matter how nervus u r, it is more than likely the guy is 10x more; girls hav absolutely no reason to be nervous compared to guys, trust me!
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It probably isn't too uncommon. I'm 22 and am largely in the same position. Don't think that it'll always be that way though. While most of the people our age are either married or going to be married soon, here's the sad truth: Within five years a lot of them will be available again. It is my understanding that until your 30s, relationships are really rocky anyway--people don't know what they're really after. You'll be better off.
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Normal. Maybe you're just not ready or something.. & it made you anxious.. Goodluck. ;)
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When the rigth one comes along you probably won't be as nervous as your conversation will probably flow and maybe you thinking about what you haven't done like kissing and a proper relationship is probably what makes you shy and nervous because you don't kno what to expect because you have no experiance in the situation. if you just let nature do its job and treat the date like a regular person or a friend then you might just go somewhere
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This seems to be more common for girls than I thought.

In my old neighborhood, definition of "virgin" was an ugly third grader!
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you should just try to view the guys as mates and if you get on well with guys thats great. try not to put yourself under pressure by thinking they're expecting something to happen. then you night relax more and jus be yourself and build a good friendship. if they decide they like you enough to ask you out its a nice surprise, and you wont come across abit desperate or lacking confidence.
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Why is this about "being kissed"? You can kiss people, too. This is 2010; even though we don't have flying cars yet, you can still kiss dudes. In my experience, they like it.
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I googled about being 23 and never had a boyfriend and i found this...
I am 22 and never been kissed and it makes me feel so sad sometimes because everyone moves on with relationships but me im still the same i don't know how to start a relationship? or even how to find the right person for me...Anyway don't feel alone believe me you’re not the only one in a situation like this..

Good Luck :)
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there are a lot of insensitive idiots on this site.
your stupid comments just people feel worse.
i'll admit something embaressing even thoughi might get bashed.
i'm 31 and have never had a bf either. only recently have i been kissed, and those few times were brief and no tongue. only once this guy who i was friendly with and who liked me, stuck his tongue in my mouth and i didn't like it at all. but that was probably cause i wasn't prepared and it wass sudden. also, i wasn't really attracted to him and felt uncomfortable and awkward whenever he would hug or kiss me.
on the other hand, this other guy i had just met kissed me while we were laying on a blanket in a park and he did use his tongue for only like 3 seconds but it was hot!! i really liked it....
ooops sorry for rambling, i kinda got carried away.
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violent10dency
I have this problem too and I'm 22. Usually I think the guy wont be what i'm looking for because they are either too young, too old, not friendly enough, married, in a relationship, or they wouldn't be interested in me because I have a kid. I do however get hit on a lot, but not by who I want, I hate dating, and crap. I'm so much happier without the drama, but I do want a relationship so I don't really know what to do or what to tell you. Maybe it will work out for us one of these days.
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you are probably a lesbian. point blank.
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just because you're a lesbo doesn't mean that every woman who doesn't have a man inside her is
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Don´t worry it will come when you don´t expect.
I am 24 years old and I have never been kissed and never had boyfriend either. You are not the only one in this world. My case:
People say I am an atractive and beautiful woman. They wonder all the time how is possible that I have no boyfriend. A good question. I don´t know the answer. Picky? No, I am not. I just always start to like guys who are already in a relationship or married. That sucks. So what now??? I don´t know. I have to let it be and don´t think about that all the time because I will get crazy. It will come, I am sure! Good luck girl!
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I am also in the same situation. I'm 22 and I've never been in a relationship. I haven't even been on a real date. I've been getting hounded by family about it, but then I got a word of encouragement from a friend of the family. She told me I was blessed. I didn't understand it back then, but then I read this Scripture in the Bible:

"There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy (separated) both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world--how she may please her husband." (I Corinthians 7:34)

As long as I'm single, I'm free to go about my Father's business and that makes everything okay for me. I don't have to worry about any distractions or obligations that come along with being in a relationship. Reading the comments here, I realize that there are a lot of other people like us, which is also comforting.

When you do meet the right guy, I believe he'll appreciate your purity. He'll probably even feel special.
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while it may not be "normal", it certainly isn't something to be ashamed of. there are definitely some reasons though. (please understand that this is not necessarily right, it's just how most men are.)
1. do you take care of yourself (hygiene)?
2. do you have some sort of personality trait that may turn men away? (read the book "Personality Plus" by Florence Littauer.)
3. you say you are good at talking with guys, but what do you talk about? if you talk about your problems then you're not good at talking with guys. while we may be compassionate at times, overall we really are not interested in hearing someone's problems unless she will let us help her fix them and we usually see the solutions as being simple.

i hope this helps
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don't go gay
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I think it's normal, idk. I'm 20 and never had a boyfriend. Life's too short to waste on guys, y'know?
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WELL IT IS KIND OF UNUSUAL..BUT DINT RAZZ YOURSELF ABOUT IT,THOUGH,
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Girl just be ur self and be wild... Mess with the guys dont shy away iight
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My 24 year old daughter is beautiful, slim, and doesn't seem to care that she has never kissed a guy. I am concerned about her. I've never said anything until now when I see her youth passing by. I know she doesn't like girls either. She says she wants to get married someday but when she sees anything on tv. or anywone says anything about sex she leaves the room or covers her eyes. Could it be a hormonal problem? She doesn't even think she has a problem. And she really is beautiful, way above average in every aspect and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom. Everyone says she is gorgeous. What could be the problem?
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What makes you think there's a problem?
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I know it's been a while since you commented, but I am the same way. I have no idea why I'm like this. I have a big problem with affection..no matter who it is from.
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cabinet70
Keep up the good work your advice is superb you are an asset to IIN thank you
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my friend is 19 and necer been kissed. been asked out by a couple of guys but never been out with anyone either!
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I'm 23 years old and ditto [but male].

I have no idea what kind of background or situation you come from, but what is known is simply the fact that whatever kinds of games you were "supposed" to play in high school and college you probably just didn't. Was it a refusal to comply with those social norms, a level of shyness, or [most reasonable to assume] a combination of both? Or a priority on pursuing passions? You are who you are, and the only thing needs work for anyone is shyness.

But what is *supposed* to happen in real life anyways? We're all afraid of intimacy on some level, and many if not most people cling to the social norms prescribed to them in high school, college or "the dating scene" in order to be able to experience it on some level. Maybe it turns into something real or maybe it doesn't... but for people like us it's not comfortable right now for some reason.

So where do you [and I] come in? These days more than ever there is much less of a difference in gender roles; a girl will ask a guy out on a date just a quickly as a guy will. There is a constant struggle between men and women over who is "selector" and who is "selectee" that happens under the surface.

The word "dating" is a very misleading term; it conjures up uncomfortable images of "the dinner date" or a few other venues and norms such as the "three date rule"... you know, the expectation that you'll be asked out three times and then on the third the guy will try to have sex with you. That could or could not be comfortable to you. It's not to me. It certainly makes the situation seem less organic.

So what is it that you want to do? The question is of course what works and what doesn't. You have every right to figure out what that is and communicate it to a person. If you know what kinds of things you like to do, then those are the things that will make you comfortable with a person. And dating is essentially a combination of comfort and attraction. Of course all of the silly phrases like "if it's comfortable then we're just friends" come to mind, but that's just not a good thing to be concerned about... being comfortable first is important.

You can do something one-on-one with a person and not know at the beginning whether or not it's going to turn into a romantic situation... it's good practice to do that just to build confidence. And on the flip side, a situation could arise that is intimidating because it seems like you really wish it would turn into something romantic but are nervous. You can find ways to get comfortable with it in hold off on being romantic until you feel better doing so. And if it doesn't happen, there are so many other people out there that it could happen with, and it could even be that person at a later time.

Good luck.

-T
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One more thing... as far as physical connection is concerned, don't worry too much about being in a situation where a guy tries to make physical connection too soon. Any guy that knows what he is doing will make sure you trust him first, and if not just pull away and do what you have to do to communicate it to that person [perhaps nicely though... we're trying to make it work!]. And if nothing happens there could be so many reasons for it but things will happen in a better way over time, if not with that person then another.

These dreams, desires and impulses we have are normal and not embarrassing! I've been embarrassed about them for so long, and I had to experience heartbreak in order to come to my senses and start seeing it as a normal part of my experience. That being said, I always try to keep remembering the "icing on the cake" rule -- the idea that we have to be in a relationship in order to be a normal person is a total lie. It's better to have the ability to be independent on the outset, because you have probably come to know yourself very well. But then the part that we don't know without experience is how we interact romantically with other people! And that's the next step.

Are you and I normal? No one is normal, we're all human beings for goodness sake! And furthermore we're being messed with by a bunch of people who are paid millions of dollars to create larger-than-life versions of human experience[actors]. But don't worry, if it happens like that or not it doesn't matter, it just is a good thing if it happens.

Ok, I'm done ranting, be well.
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You are not abnormal. I am 23 and never had a boyfriend but have had chances. Guys I like don't like me back, or just play with my mind. The thing is, I always go for the players. I realized that's the type of guy I am attracted to. I don't want a guy to be all lovey dovey and mushy with me. That shit is annoying as hell. whenever a guy is interested I push away most of the time and feel uncomfortable. I have hooked up with three guys (everything but sex) and I honestly would rather have a sexual relationship instead of an emotional one. I think I am afraid of intimacy/commitment. However , I am also insecure about my body and sex so that holds me back a lot of the time. Another thing is that I'm super picky. And I'm so used to guys just being attracted to me right away (for sex). It needs to be something more. I need a challenge. Good luck you will be fine! just try not to focus on this aspect of your life so much, and try to make friends with people who are like you...you will feel a million times better.
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If you're hot I can help you out with that problem.
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Trolololol. I had my first at 14.
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Don't be ashamed. There's millions like you.

Just remember to tell the first one the reason why you've just bled all over his back seat isn't because you just got your period.
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@: bidbox
That's a crude thing to say.
I'm 20 and I haven't had a boyfriend or had sex and whatever I have done with guys has been under the influence of alcohol and drugs.
I have also slept with a girl...
Just cos u havent kissed a guy doesnt make u gay! People can be stupid...
I know i'm this way cos im self conscious about my body being touched and i dont trust anyone. If you look within you will probably find your answers
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Just think of this way. You may be 23 but you're not going to get any younger! What are you waiting for?! Just go for anyone, who cares, young old ugly, laugh it off, have a good time, move on find someone else and then keep going until your 30. Sex is up for grabs take it! GO WILD! GET MESSY! oh and use protection haha
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Yes!

Like that Nike commercial says - JUST DO IT!
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Try both sexes be a little less shy but don't give yourself up and don't change well unless you need to but that's under drastic circumstances like body oder
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Hmmmm are you good looking and tell the truth if your not do something about it try to make yourself look more attractive and go out and mingle life is to short.
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It's probably because you like ANIME that guys won't touch you. Just stop watching it, and maybe the world will open to you :)
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What does that have to do with anything?
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hey hey hey, bashing anime has no place on here, and wouldnt matter anywyas, you would just have to find someone who also likes it, or who doesnt care wether you do or not.
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Well...if you're good looking, then its definately not normal...If you're not good looking, than it is normal. Not trying ot be mean but I had some UGLY friends like me but I wouldn't kiss them unless they had a benjamins hanging out their zippers.
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Hey! I love Naruto and my mom kisses me every night before bed.... J/k she hates me but if you wanna kiss someone I'm down with it 5 seconds max no tongue if your ugly you buy the plane ticket and paper bag(unless your sexy)
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How many times is this exact same question going to be asked on here???
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@: WarLord
WarLord, I knew that this question had been put to the site before, hence why I mentioned it in my story. This is something that has troubled me for quite some time now, so maybe you should just NOT reply or post any comments if you don't like the story, because your comment didn't help at all.
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Ummmmmm, idk about the "normal to not ever have had a boyfriend" part, but im almost 15 and have'nt been kissed yet.... So yeah, sucks doesnt it?
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no u need to find some backbone and wise up. 23?? thats rediculous..
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Yes, quite "rediculous." In fact, I think your spelling is the only ridiculous thing here.
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Reallly.... I would suggest to get drunk! And than just kiss someone, or ask to be kissed, or get more drunk, whatever. Than sex, if aids, too bad.
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