What do you think?

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i feel like i am obsessed with death, i find most of the things that has a connection with death to be attractive to me, sex, music, literature.. it came to a point that i believe in left-hand religions and death became my greatest interest. sometimes, in bed, before i go to sleep, i love to act as if i was dead. i have depressions from time to time and i consider myself a depressive person in general but it really feels to me that i like it.. life is making me sick and i find comfort in all things that are about death, even when i do not feel depressed. i want to die but i am not planning to kill myself whatsoever. one part of me always says that i need to move on and find other interests but the other part feeds off the subject. i believe that through a strong connection with death, and knowing this subject, i will have a better control over life. it starts to be too philosophical to explain, but all in all it is important to me to know i am ok even if it is not what the society believes in. i am stict to my faith.