Are You Normal?
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I'm such a pushover.
This is long, so bear with me.
One night last week, I walked out to the parking lot at work to start my car. Someone I work with walked with me. He's a nice guy. He calls me "Grumpy" because I seem rather cheerful; I call him "Smiley" because he seems rather grumpy. Anyway, he was talking, and I was only sort of paying attention, saying "Uh-huh" or "I guess so" in all the right places.
Then he said, "You're always so non-committal."
And then I started really paying attention. It turns out, he was propositioning me for sex. In fact, he said he would be better than anyone I've been with.
Okay, firstly, my sex life is none of his business. (Which, I know, I should have told him, but at the time I was rather astonished...)
Secondly, I have a boyfriend. I've been with my boyfriend for seven years. I have no intention of cheating on him.
Thirdly, "Smiley" has a girlfriend. She's short, round, and funny. And she has health problems: epilectic seizures that make her rely on "Smiley".
Fourthly, -and perhaps this is the most important - I'm not at all attracted to "Smiley". He sorta looks like the psycho from The Silence of the Lambs, the one who says, "It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again."
I told him I'm monogamous. He said he will be, too, when he finds the right woman. I told him I wasn't interested in cheating on C_____; he took that as a sign that if I wasn't already with someone, I would go out with him. He told me to think about it. I told him I would think about it.
And so I thought. I thought and thought about how I am friendly to everyone, I treat everyone with respect, I smile and say "Hello" to everyone who greets me. And I often find myself in situations where someone to whom I had been nice believed my kindness was more akin to attraction. And I almost always react by trying to turn them down without hurting their feelings. Which almost always results in them thinking I'm playing hard to get, or testing them, or lying to myself about how I really felt. Which means that they take my gentle "no" as encouragement.
Am I the only one who has this problem?
What can I do to stop having this problem?
One night last week, I walked out to the parking lot at work to start my car. Someone I work with walked with me. He's a nice guy. He calls me "Grumpy" because I seem rather cheerful; I call him "Smiley" because he seems rather grumpy. Anyway, he was talking, and I was only sort of paying attention, saying "Uh-huh" or "I guess so" in all the right places.
Then he said, "You're always so non-committal."
And then I started really paying attention. It turns out, he was propositioning me for sex. In fact, he said he would be better than anyone I've been with.
Okay, firstly, my sex life is none of his business. (Which, I know, I should have told him, but at the time I was rather astonished...)
Secondly, I have a boyfriend. I've been with my boyfriend for seven years. I have no intention of cheating on him.
Thirdly, "Smiley" has a girlfriend. She's short, round, and funny. And she has health problems: epilectic seizures that make her rely on "Smiley".
Fourthly, -and perhaps this is the most important - I'm not at all attracted to "Smiley". He sorta looks like the psycho from The Silence of the Lambs, the one who says, "It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again."
I told him I'm monogamous. He said he will be, too, when he finds the right woman. I told him I wasn't interested in cheating on C_____; he took that as a sign that if I wasn't already with someone, I would go out with him. He told me to think about it. I told him I would think about it.
And so I thought. I thought and thought about how I am friendly to everyone, I treat everyone with respect, I smile and say "Hello" to everyone who greets me. And I often find myself in situations where someone to whom I had been nice believed my kindness was more akin to attraction. And I almost always react by trying to turn them down without hurting their feelings. Which almost always results in them thinking I'm playing hard to get, or testing them, or lying to myself about how I really felt. Which means that they take my gentle "no" as encouragement.
Am I the only one who has this problem?
What can I do to stop having this problem?
Do you think it's normal?
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Be more assertive, take control of situations, stop listening and do more talking.
And be aware of these things! If they are always happening and you are always surprised, you should recognize the behavioral patterns and modify your actions accordingly (ie, be more assertive, take control, etc)
Lastly, don't feel bad if someone's got the wrong idea and you think you're to blame for leading them on. But do put a stop to it clearly and then swiftly change the subject or make your exit.
Smiley sounds pretty normal, so do you. Nothing alarming there. Maybe you should stop thinking about these things, wake up to the smell of fresh coffee and get on with life.
If you have any doubts about your boyfriend of seven years (which may be surfacing in your need to post this in the first place), it is nothing unnatural. After all, the 'Seven Year Itch' can strike anyone at anytime (but obviously, seven years ought to do it).
If you are feeling that time is passing and are wondering if you are still as attractive and beautiful as ever, these things will show. From the way your eyes may meet others for a fraction of a second longer than they should, from the way you dress. A subconscious desire to remain attractive will definitely attract the wrong kind of attention.
But then, as far as it's a subconscious desire, maybe it's not the wrong kind of attention, it's just something that you don't want to happen.
So adjust, be prepared to close these things down quickly and move on. Forget about them. I'm sure Smiley will.