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Is It Normal?
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Very ashamed, oh please help me
I've been with my boyfriend for a very long time but find myself no longer physically attracted to him although I still care for him very much and enjoy his company. Lately I've been sexually fantasizing non-stop about his younger brother with whom I've been friends for a long time.

I know a relationship with him would never work as he has a lot of nasty habits that I just dislike, but I can't seem to stop. My sex life has also halted to a screeching stop and at first I thought it was my contraceptives and the hormones but now that I'm pleasuring myself nightly with said shameful fantasies I am no longer certain.

I am questioning whether or not I still love the man I am with. Although I have no doubt that my feelings for his brother are nothing but a physical infatuation, albeit an extremely strong one. What's worse is that I can see by the way that the brother looks at me that he wouldn't be adverse to the idea of touching me like that either.

I am an honest woman and I would never do anything to hurt the man I am with. Is it normal that after a certain length of time with somebody, even though you are young, that you no longer feel as large of a physical attraction towards him and yearn for something new? I already told him about my doubts and that I am having "cheating thoughts" that I hope he forgives me for. But he doesn't know the extent of them.

Also, he wasn't the best of lookers since the beginning but I still fell in love with him, choosing him over his brother.

Please leave many comments and write as much as you can. There is absolutely no one I can go too, as I only have male friends.
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Comments (15)
Toby (394)
2005-06-21 23:39:10
It is quite normal to almost get 'bored' of someone after an ammount of time. The thing is, you know your man very well, so theres nothing to look forward to or find out. And a fresh reationship gives you that buzz feeling of something diferent. I can't honestly say what to do or whether to stay with your man, that is up to you hun.
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shamefulhare (393)
2005-06-21 23:54:22
@: Toby
Even if I did leave him, which would cause him a lot of pain by the way, it wouldn't really help anything as I would still lack a sex life, fantasize about people that I have no hope of being with (talk about awkward) and in addition to that I am living with said boyfriend.

Also, I am scared shizzle-less that one of them will find this.

If anyone can give me tips on what to do to maybe reignite things that'd be great too. But my mother said "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" so it makes sense that it would be the brother, but it makes things very awkward. I don't even feel much of anything after I kiss my boyfriend. I also no longer entertain the idea of sleeping naked in bed with him. I also feel bad because I promised I wouldn't lie and when he asks me if I still loved him I feel like I'm lying when I say "yes." But the alternative answer is unacceptable and unnecessary drama as I don't know if it is completely true. By the way, when I say "long time" I mean years I can count on one hand.

I also often entertain the idea of pawning everything I own and going to Las Vegas to be a show girl and leave all this suburban, good-girl, poor college student crap behind.

I am so screwed up right now.
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little_thieves (310)
2005-06-22 02:48:40
It may be painful, but it will be less painful for your partner if you do seperate now, rather than lying to him to make him feel better. Sure it will hurt at first foe him, but he will recover.

However i think you should forget the brother as one who got away, whatever feelings you have for him. Seeing him after breaking up with your partner would be cruel and painful for him, and might drive a wedge between them and thier relationship. Its possible that you are infactuated with him only because you are bored of your boyfriend and he is the nearest thing to the man you first dated, so feels secure, but different also.

I suggest you leave both of them and find somthing completely new.
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shamefulhare (393)
2005-06-22 11:46:55
@: little_thieves
The horrible thing is I've been bestfriends with both of them. Especially the brother, for about a decade, I grew up with him. The idea of leaving them both is like ripping my arms off. I get up in the morning and I don't know how to face my day.

Not to mention, I'm still not sure if I don't love him anymore or if I'm just bored. Because bored we might be able to fix. Sex isn't everything in the world and I like to think that we have a lot more to offer each other than just that.

How can you tell when you don't love someone anymore?
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Connolly (419)
2005-06-23 09:21:17
@: shamefulhare
Snap
Hey this is very similar to me;

I had a g/friend for 2 years. I loved her; I met all her family and was close friends with them all. But after the 1st year, I got "bored"; I, like you, starting thinking things that betrayed our relationship. Her younger sister was a big attraction for me but I never crossed the line.

I continued to ignore these thoughts in my head; and eventually I become a different person - kind of numb inside; not myself. I was unhappy.

Another year of ignoring these feelings and I was sad but hiding this well from her.

I would do anything for her and would never hurt her but I was bored and this made me unhappy. My life isn't a punishment; I should be happy mostly...

In the end; I burst and did the awful job. It crushed her and flatened me but I knew it was the right thing to do.

I don't see her or her family anymore; its sad but the right thing to do. I have found someone else; I am happy and its been over a year - I'm still excited and get butterflies etc for her (obviously not constantly); I know I made the right choice.

Things might be different for you; its difficult when big friendships are at risk and very tough if your living together. But don't ignore your feelings. If you find that this is on your mind a lot, then something is wrong and needs dealing with.

If its a sexual thing; talk it through and try to pump some chemistry back into it... if in your heart you know you want something else; go for it - you get one chance to live your life...
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Connolly (419)
2005-06-23 09:26:41
@: Connolly
Forgot
I forgot to mention that my ex-girlfriend although crushed at the time is now happyily moved on and has even met someone new.
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Connolly (419)
2005-06-23 09:26:52
@: Connolly
Forgot
I forgot to mention that my ex-girlfriend although crushed at the time is now happyily moved on and has even met someone new.
Reply
METHOSjr. (83)
2005-06-23 10:09:47
@: Connolly
MuddyBuddy
Don't worry be happy, Mon. There are soo many men clogging up the world it will blow your mind. Turn gay.
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shamefulhare (393)
2005-06-27 08:13:24
Wow. Thanks for the replies and similar situations ... I at least know what to look for if this continues.

I hope you can be friends again with your ex-GF. But I'll stay loyal until I'm truly unhappy and feel like I no longer love him and know this for certain. He's a very, very good man and treats me extremely well. So he is hard pressed to really make me miserable. I will see.
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wizard (278)
2005-07-01 11:46:46
@: shamefulhare
shameful
You can love someone without being in love with them.
To jump from one brother to the other is complicated, think of the family times ahead in this turns into a LTR.
Indesision sux,you might throw away the best thing in your life looking for a ''dream love''...look closer before you leap.
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hope (600)
2005-07-09 15:18:23
Have you thought about discussing the fact that you're bored with him...not like honey, your love making puts me to sleep, but more like...darling, I've been thinking it might be fun to figure a way to jazz up our lovemaking, what do you think?

You may find out that he's been feeling bored too and didn't know how to share it. And by working together, you may find out that making love with your boyfriend can be even more wonderful than it ever was.
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Anonymous
2005-07-10 23:16:46
Well, u can go celebate, have an affair, make it work, or move on.
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tharp (664)
2005-07-23 00:57:59
Tell him that you're bored and try to fix that first, but don't mention the brother.

If that doesn't work, separate. But don't go for the brother: I think you're just latching on to him because you're unhappy in your relationship, and that you'd find this out pretty quickly if you separated.

My ten year relationship with someone I grew up with ended. It was horrible for several years, but it was the best thing in the end. Don't waste your life.
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amayers (2810)
2006-07-18 10:45:34
going through the same thing
Hi,
Don't feel too bad - untill I read your story, I felt alone in thid matter as well, but apparently this is fairly common.
I've been with my boyfriend for a while. He's 11 years older than me and not the best looking guy, but he's very nice, kind and funny. However recently I've found myself strongly sexually attracted to a couple of his friends. I feel crappy about it, but I think it's normal.
This whole situation is leading me to wonder if people really are meant to only be sexual with 1 person at a time. I'm starting to think maybe not.
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sisophous (3738)
2006-11-12 14:12:01
@: amayers
There is no reason to be ashamed, it is called being honest with oneself and with others. Caring for someone is totally different from loving them as a partner. You are far better to cut off ties with the boyfriend and find new friends. I also would not approach his younger brother, find new people completely outside of these two that you mention. Part of growing up and life in general is going through painful experiences which in the end make us stronger, healthier and wiser. Relationships rarely remain strong long term, even most marriages fail. Realize it is normal to have new relationships develop, flourish, decline and end. It is part of life, all things come to an end. You will be happier if you end this ASAP, be polite and move on. Good luck to you.
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