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Adult daughter sharing a bed with her divorced dad
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Im concerned my partner who is 50 and divorced with an adult 23yr old daughter is sharing a bed with her while i am away for a week. she came up for the weekend. there is a spare room with a perfectly comfortable double bed in it but she has chosen instead to sleep with her dad in my bed when im away. i dont feel comfortable about this and feel its not appropriate. I only found out today when I asked if he had made up the spare room for her and he said she was sleeping in our bed with him. this man has been my patner for 8 yrs.
i want to call him back with an opipn on this so please tell me yr opinion on wether this is
appropriate? or just plain wrong which is what my instinct tell me. help?
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Comments (39)
Yep! Hes fucking her, that part is quite obvious. And they both are probably liking it. So either ditch the dude or join in on the fun.
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Not normal! I'm 28 and close to my dad. We do watch movies/tv in my parents bed on occasion (usually cause my mom has something on in the other room neither of us want to watch). But I wouldn't spend the night in his bed. Especially if he was married to some one other than my mom.
Yes he did tell you but it wasn't till you asked about the spare room. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. There's probably nothing going on but it's still not normal!!
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Um . . . there is something wrong with this picture. It's kind of weird, and I'm sorry, but a little disturbing to me. No offense to anyone who approoves. Just a little bit strange.
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Ok I'm a 24 year old woman who is also very close with my family and feel comfortable with my dad. However I would never choose to sleep in the same bed as him especially if there was another bed in another room. It sounds creepy to me and prob not normal wheather something is going on or not. As far as the comment about you feeling ashamed for thinking that way and tainting a pure father daughter relationship blah blah blah stuff, well that must hav been a man who wrote that. Ignore it.
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You said "partner". Is this a gay relationship? If so then I suppose this could be looked upon as a daughter sleeping with her mother. If this is not the case...then yes it is extremely odd. I too would feel very uncomfortable with this situation.
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you didn't read the question very well.

and anyway you cleary have some kind of double standard moral code or something.

if it's a mother daughter, and the mother is gay, everything is fine. but if it's father daughter, it's extremely odd?

so what if it was a gay father and his 23yr old son? you'd feel very comfortable with this?

interesting.
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well he just turned on me and said iwas obsessed and he sees no problem with it. the daughter was spared even knowing that we disussed this and has now returned home. i am returning home on a long haul flight for 12 hours plus connections with his anger at being asked gently about this. im feeling like my instincts are right. most of the daughters who wrote comments on here said they would choose not to sleep in their fathers bed with him. so the fact that this didnt even cross their minds as strange. leads to believe its not as innocent as they would gave us believe.
"A dog that fights is a dog that bites" telling me that everyone elses opinion is wrong raises a red flag.
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You should have never married this guy in the first place. Especially if he shared that he molested that girl when he was younger.
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Not normal!
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I would say it's normal. Probably since he's divorced, and she probably might not talk to her mom a lot. I think you should confront them both and tell them how you feel. But I think it's pretty normal and I'm sure they're not having sex if that's what you think. If they sleep in the same bed together, then that means they probably have a very close relationship.
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Absolutely incorrect its completely abnormal and disgusting what is wrong with you?
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Eva_Braun88
No this is NOT normal. I don't care how close family members are, you don't sleep in the same bed with them when you are older. I think you need to find out what's really going on and find out fast.
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I'm in the same shoes. My husband 40 sleeps with his 20 yr old daughter. We have a 6k sq ft home and 5+ bedrooms (me, son and father) daughter comes home to visit and i fall asleep w child and they are sleeping in the same room. He will get angry w me for the silliest reasons and takes off w daughter to dinner or movies then sleeps in guest room. Its so weird. Ive approached him as i find it so obsurred and strange and he gets very upset and states im jealous. We travel for work and she will somehow be in the same hotel room when he travels. Then, i call in the middle of night worried as sometiems i dont hear from him and she picks up the phone and disconnects the line. Its so weird i come from a normal up bringing and i cant comprehend this... what is this???????
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My mother came to visit me and slept in my bed with me because I have a tempurpedic bed. I am 23 yrs old. It was for two days. 23 is technically an adult but some people may be more of a child at 23 still. I guess it all depends.
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That's messed up
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no this is my man partner not Gay partner we will marry soon after 8 years we were waiting for documents etc. this is italy after all! so i dont think she should do this as she wouldnt do it if I was there. I spoke to him last night and said men have erections in their sleep withiut knowing and this could be embarassing. he agreed to make up the other bed. i still think its wrong even uf its innocent. she sees him at least once every 3 weeks. but her boyfriend is always around. She lices with her mother even now at 24
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Trust your instincts. They very rarely lead you wrong. Also, it's just a thought, maybe talk with your step-daughter-to-be about the situation. Perhaps ask her why/if she likes to share a bed with her dad. Maybe she feels like she'll offend him if she sleeps elsewhere. Which would still be odd but it may help you figure out what is going on.
Also as to the comment about the girl sharing a bed with her mum: I think it's a bit more normal for a girl/woman to share with mum than dad. My mum and I have done that a few years back when the hotel we stayed in had only one bed. It might not be fair but it seems leas icky for mum/ daughter to share than dad/daughter.
Good luck with all of this!
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Two more ladies from my work say absolutely not normal.
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Thanks for clearing up the partner question I had. Yes, this is definitely odd. I would sleep on the floor before I would sleep with my father and he would do the same. Since there are other rooms for her to sleep in their arrangment does make my skin crawl. You're in a tough situation and even if he didn't agree that it is weird out of respect for you he should have made a change. That may be a bigger worry...his lack of respect for you feelings. Oh and I agree with the comment that men get random erections and how that could make things uncomfortable!!
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It is wrong on lots of levels and you are perfectly normal for feeling this way. For one thing she and he are not taking your feelings into account. They must know it's not normal or they would do it in-front of you. I think you are right to be concerned, I would definately be.
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lol its normal its his daughter x.x dont think nasty im sure he wont just fuck her comeon XD
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He is a perv. Run for the hills.
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WTF THAT IS INSANE, really insane, i cant believe 18 percent of people thjought this was normal!
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So the follow, up this was never resolved it still makes me uncomfortable, As someone above said his lack of respect for my feelings is the real issue.
We were at his parents house and I called him on something he did that was very disrespectful of me, he shouted at me in front of them, and then went outside with his 40 year old sister and told her I was crazy because I see things that are not there and that I accused him of having sex with his 23 year old daughter, just because she sleeps with him.
The entire family turned against me, as I never got a chance to defend myself since I never knew he told her this, he told me later in the car and said it served me right for attacking him when I said he was being disrespectful to me. This was on the day of our wedding celebration with his family that I had to organize, as they live far from us, we had married 2 months prior, The next weeks were horrific as I received awful letters from his family saying how could I not see what a saint this man is.
I am really starting to listen to the little voice inside, which is becoming a shout, and I see his manipulations now.
When we met after 6 months, he told me his deep dark secret, That he had shared with no one else not even his ex-wife. When he was 13 he molested a six year old girl, he said he kept it to himself and never had therapy, and only his parents knew. He explained it away as being a terrible mistake, and he was only a child, and says shes fine now.
I'm finding it hard to believe his version in absence of the facts, and recent events, since I feel he tried to hook me in by telling only me about this secret. Should I confront his family with this fact and his previous infaithfullness in his previous marriage, which he also explained away to me as incompatibility. I am cut off from them now anyway. Ive discovered this man has a narcissistic disorder. And Im suffering.
I appreciate your view points. please dont post stupid comments. this is a serious situation.
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aww did u take my comment off! i don't see it anymore:(
anyways i am so sorry that your going through this. this is not good. maybe you can try to get this person(guy) involuntarily committed to a psych?
he sounds like my x
eww
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Not normal, but not necessarily wrong. I would feel a little weird if one of my adult daughters slept in my bed, but the LAST thing I would think about would be sex!
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Yuck I would never!
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OKAY first of all- I don't think that he is having sex with her. I think if he was actually having sex with her, he would be more hesitant to tell you that they were sharing a bed.

However, that doesn't mean that he doesn't WANT to have sex with her. He could have encouraged the daughter to sleep beside him to satisfy whatever perverted thoughts were in his head. Who knows what he could have been thinking/doing to himself as his daughter slept. Yuck... I think it's a good thing that the family knows of your suspicions now because even if they don't believe you, at least they will have it in their heads so they could look out for warning signs.

ESPECIALLY now that you say he has molested a young girl in his past. I realize that he was young and kids do stupid things (especially during the height of their sexual curiosity) But outright molestation? And he didn't get help for it either? I dunno...

Last but not least, the fact that he acted so completely defensive when all you did was bring it up in a calm manner as something that bothered you, is VERY telling. You did nothing wrong here. And as a 21 year old female, I can say that I would definitely never sleep in my father's bed. I think it's possible that she didn't necessarily choose to, but her father kept "suggesting" it and she didn't wanna seem rude or something. You never know.
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Hey the most important thing !! do a ref check from his ex wife if you can trace her. That would spill the beans about his character or behavioural aspect.<BR>Also, this guy could be inside a lonely man who is so damn insecure and maybe daughter is the only precious friend he has had or assumes to have.. and the daughter maybe innocent and in the absence of mom , hasnt learnt the sensitivity that its not ok to sleep on same bed...after all its her dad! and she has a boyfriend to take care of sexual needs. This is the most harmless view if you were to see this as positive.<BR>On the other hand maybe the guy might have felt insulted at a blatant accusation and of course he would defend himself before some day you would give him away to his sister or somebody about the negative aspect of this sleeping arrangement.
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Dozis
your concern is not normal. And to tell the truth, it isn't wanted either. ).(
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Hey Hank what did you do last night?

- Ooh nothing special, I went to Harry and watch a movie with him then I baked some cookies with my daughter..

Uhu okay and then?

- And then we slept together.

...

! NOT NORMAL !
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I'm sorry, but Something's not sitting right!!!

This is very odd and not normal. Have you noticed other strange behaviours between them before this or is this the first time? You have a perfectly comfortable spare bed, but yet he moves his daughter in to share YOUR BED... it sounds like he's up to something. I think you should tell him what you think about this and see how he reacts.... If push comes to shove, you might have to break it off with him.

Good Luck.
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Wait, the fact that he told you that he molested someone is a huge warning sign and that he's manipulative and abusive. At 13 he should've know better. He's full of shit and is probably doing something with her. Please, listen to your voice and divorce him and report the abuse to the authorities. There's something seriously wrong with him. Get out while you still can!!!
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thankyou avant garde.. i realised soon after I wrote this that all the puzzle pieces fit together finally. this event happened a week after marriage. so from that moment on i slept alone. and soon after asked him to leave... see the update I posted before.

i am in the process of divorce. the last year has been hell, but im so glad i discovered this it helped me to see the truth.

i was left with the bills and no maintenance and ill health.

HE will escape again with no consequences.

I tried to report this to the authorities. they told me without his daughter testifying in court against him, which will never happen. nothing can be done.

this is obviously why his exwife shut her mouth so she could claim maintenance.

we live in a very sick world.

I am happy to have my life back.
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@: worrier
how sad. no really. i'm sad for you. i think you mean well. you came on here years ago and asked this, and this comment here is only from 5 months ago, meaning that you've stuck with this and have been tracking it.

here's the deal, worrier. nobody knows your guy. all we know here is what you tell us.

- willing to sleep in same bad as adult daughter
- told you the truth when you asked
- says he had an encounter with a younger girl when he was 13.
- his family loves him dearly and sticks up for him

and it sounds like this really took a turn for the worse. that's a shame because i don't think it had to. he is obviously very close to his daughter. that is very natural. every father daughter has a different relationship than the next. if he finds comfort sleeping in the same bed while you were away, what is the REAL problem with that? i am not talking about what society says is the problem. i am talking about the REAL problem. and the answer is.. maybe there isn't one.

if he's at home every night with his daughter while you're away, he's not out with some other woman. or... some other woman is not there with him. in other words, maybe his daughter being there keeps him out of other kinds of trouble.

also, if you had chosen to be comfortable with this, it probably would have improved your relationship with him, and in turn his family. people don't like to feel like they have a judgemental and watchful eye hovering over them. if you become that to a person, you lose them. you become annoying, non-understanding.

as for his story about 13 yo... don't base anything off that. you are talking about someone recalling something from 4 decades ago!! how can you be concerned about anyone based on something they did when they were 13. seriously.

i hate to say it.. but it sounds like your "worry" sprayed fuel onto a tiny little spark and turned it into a raging forest fire. what's ironic about that... is that often times when people have fear about something like this, their actions they chose as a result of their fear perpetuate and even worsen exactly what they feared in the first place.

like this:
your fear: the situation with his daughter could ruin your relationship with him

your action: intervene and stop it, at any cost

the outcome: many relationships ruined, all over the place.

Did anybody win? Unfortunately not.

Maybe there is still time to repair it. Good luck.
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ps he was 15
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if they aren't having sex, then its normal. Even if they are considering all of the incest stories on this site it must be pretty common. but if u find it uncomfortable then u can tell them. and then there is always the hidden camera route if u r getting paranoid
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My last BF is 55, he has been co-sleeping with his 7 year old daughter since his divorce, when his daughter was 2. We dated for a year, and I had a real problem with this (she and I were very close). I do not think he was molesting her, but he refused to consider moving her to her own bed, and actually plans to keep her in his bed until she reaches puberty. I truly believe that he sleeps with her as much (or more) to fulfill emotional needs that he has than needs that she might have for additional security from post divorce issues, or needing additional support from dad. I think he could easily transition her to her own bed, over a series of days, if he spent some time laying down with her in her own bed (she has one), allowing her to climb into his if she needs to, and she will gradually become comfortable in her own room and in her own bed, and realize that dad is just down the hall and is still there for her. I don't know if they "spoon", but he has said that she cuddles up to him at night, so much so that she nearly pushes him off the other side of the bed, and I would imagine as she gets older, it will become more difficult to explain the physical cycles that men go through as they sleep. He is building a new home. Take a guess...it is a one bedroom, 2000 sq ft luxury home, where they will share a bedroom (he is building an office that he may convert to a bedroom "some years down the line").

Anyone who thinks this is normal co-sleeping (and the OP's situation), I beg to differ.
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Innocent until proven guilty?
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