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deal with the presence of my step-daughter
I have a 3 year old step-daughter, which stays in our house every other weekend. In the beginning I didn’t mind much, and liked having her around, although I missed doing certain things with my husband, like going to the movies. As he works nights, and I work during the day, the only time we have for ourselves are the weekends.
However things started getting worse when I got pregnant. I started getting annoyed with certain things, like her picking up and playing with things that were supposed to be for my unborn son. Still, most of the times, we got along just fine, and she loved to play with my belly.
After my son was born I started loathing her presence! I hardly see my husband during the week, and 50% of the time we have to be together she is there, constantly clinging to her father. I can hardly look at her face, or even be in the same room she is. I can’t stand hearing people calling her and my son brother and sister!
She is a strange kid. She wakes up a lot during the night, and by consequence she wakes up my baby son. Once, I had to put him back to sleep in my arms, and then I heard a noise. When I turned the light on she was there, in the dark, staring at us!
Also, she is always with a runny nose and cough, probably from things she gets from other kids at school. As a consequence I hate it that she even touches my son. I’m afraid she’ll make him ill.
Also, I think that it’s not fair that when I die, she will inherit things that were my parents, and that my son won’t have the right to all these things. I think that she should get half of what belongs to her father, but not from what comes from my side!
I have to say that when I think about it, I know that I am the adult and that she is just a child. She does not behave badly and she is only with us for 2 days every other week, but for me those hours seem like years…
I am lucky and my husband is very understanding. At first I tried to hide these feelings from him, but I ended up melting down in front of him. He supports and understands, but says that there is nothing he can do. He is absolutely right and I would never put him in a position “your daughter or me” (we are not competing), but I just want what’s best for MY family: my husband, me and our baby son. And for me, it is spending the little precious time together we have as a family, without her constantly asking for attention in detriment of my son and me.
The worst thing is that I didn’t choose this situation, although I knew he had a child when I decided to be with him. However I fell that this is an obligation, and nothing I do or say can change things. I have to endure this situation indefinitely. My only hope is that her mother moves back to her home country and takes her daughter with her. However, I thing that this hope, keeps me from facing the reality, which is: if I want to stay with my husband I will have to learn how to live with her presence.
However things started getting worse when I got pregnant. I started getting annoyed with certain things, like her picking up and playing with things that were supposed to be for my unborn son. Still, most of the times, we got along just fine, and she loved to play with my belly.
After my son was born I started loathing her presence! I hardly see my husband during the week, and 50% of the time we have to be together she is there, constantly clinging to her father. I can hardly look at her face, or even be in the same room she is. I can’t stand hearing people calling her and my son brother and sister!
She is a strange kid. She wakes up a lot during the night, and by consequence she wakes up my baby son. Once, I had to put him back to sleep in my arms, and then I heard a noise. When I turned the light on she was there, in the dark, staring at us!
Also, she is always with a runny nose and cough, probably from things she gets from other kids at school. As a consequence I hate it that she even touches my son. I’m afraid she’ll make him ill.
Also, I think that it’s not fair that when I die, she will inherit things that were my parents, and that my son won’t have the right to all these things. I think that she should get half of what belongs to her father, but not from what comes from my side!
I have to say that when I think about it, I know that I am the adult and that she is just a child. She does not behave badly and she is only with us for 2 days every other week, but for me those hours seem like years…
I am lucky and my husband is very understanding. At first I tried to hide these feelings from him, but I ended up melting down in front of him. He supports and understands, but says that there is nothing he can do. He is absolutely right and I would never put him in a position “your daughter or me” (we are not competing), but I just want what’s best for MY family: my husband, me and our baby son. And for me, it is spending the little precious time together we have as a family, without her constantly asking for attention in detriment of my son and me.
The worst thing is that I didn’t choose this situation, although I knew he had a child when I decided to be with him. However I fell that this is an obligation, and nothing I do or say can change things. I have to endure this situation indefinitely. My only hope is that her mother moves back to her home country and takes her daughter with her. However, I thing that this hope, keeps me from facing the reality, which is: if I want to stay with my husband I will have to learn how to live with her presence.
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Before you were pregnant you didn't mind your stepdaughters' presence like you do now. I think that you are a great mum, and that's why you worry so much. It's understandable that you want the best for your baby, and the best is to interact with you and his father as a united family. I see how the girl can disrupt this little time you have together as a family.
I won't judge you, because it's in your skin that this burns. I'm sure it's not easy, but try to accept her presence. It will be easier on you, on your husband and on the girl.
Try to live one day at a time. Don't waste the time she is there regretting. I understand that it would be much more intimate if the girl wasn't there, but try not minding so much. If you get closer, you will see she can be nicer. The way you talk about your baby makes me see that you are a loving woman that loves children. I'm sure that if you pass the fact that she is your husband's with another woman, you can see her as you see any other child, and treat her as such.
Good luck with everything! I'm sure it will all go for the best!
This is a long term relationship so you have to change. While getting help your husband should do things with his daughter on his own to meet her needs and minimize her exposure to your demeaning behaviour. Her weird behaviour, BTW, is just a reaction to yours.
And while getting help - try to have empathy for this child - put yourself in her shoes. Realise how lating the kind of emotional abuse you are subjecting her to is. Treat her with the dignity she deserves.
I hope he`s strong enough to realize how selfish you are and how much his child needs him in his life, but I doubt he will - men are weak and you obviously have him wrapped around your finger.
I hope you can`t sleep at night.
She was not part of my husbands life for several years(she lived over seas). I knew about her but she did not see us and we lived OUR lives and planned our future and she was not part of it. I finally met her when I was pregnant for about a month and she left again.
A few years after that her mom moved back and I have had a hard time ever since. I Just hate that my husband has a kid with someone else-period. It feels foreign and uncomfortable. I resent when she comes over because it feels like she is taking away my time with him and our daughter. he also works night shift and I do not see hime a lot as it is.
I am sure that it sounds horrible to an outsider because I know that I would think that too, but you can not rationalize raw emotion-i just feel upset about it.I was worried about the child part when we first met but since she was not around, i thought it would be ok.
YOU'RE the adult, YOU KNEW what you were getting into when you married this man, if he comes with a child - that child should always be a part of his life, that's called PARENTING.
God, you ARE horrible.