This is NOT one of those tacky stories about the evil stepfather who has sex with his 16yr. old daughter. In fact, there is no sex involved here at all.
I first met my stepdaughter when she was age 25, shortly before she married. That was 14 years ago, and she is now age 39. We have been good friends for the last 6 or 7 years (even my wife had said so), but slowly I began to fall in love with her. It's not that she is any raving beauty, but she has a unique look, and most of all, a beautiful personality. We exchanged e-mails quite often at her work.
Recently at a family get-together she showed an unusual amount of affection towards me (i.e. rubbing legs on the couch, blowing a warm kiss across the room, a very long hug at my departure). I was convinced she also felt strongly about me.
Perhaps it was emotion, perhaps it was curiosity, perhaps it was my monthly testosterone shot (a known aphrodisiac), perhaps it was because my wife was out of town (or perhaps all of these), I e-mailed my stepdauhter, telling her how I felt about her, that I had "deep feelings" which I had been hiding for years. I received no response, but later found out that she had called my wife at the other stepdaugter's home, and forwarded my e-mails to them. Now everybody knows, and I am the dog of the family. My wife has insisted we go to marital counseling as well. Our marriage is almost on the rocks.
I know what I did was wrong....a betrayal of my wife (and with her own daughter, no less)but I feel strongly that my stepdaughter should have confronted me herself, and that going straight to my wife was destructive to everyone. A simple e-mail telling me I was "off base" would have been adequate. It was as though 7 years of friendship had just vanished. My wife, on the other hand, thinks I am just upset because I got caught (I have been totally faithful to my wife since we were married).
Complicating the matter is the husband of my stepdaughter. He had been an alcholic for 10 years of their marriage, and is now reformed through AA. When he got his second DUI, my stepdaughter left him in jail for 30 days to dry out. Everyone in the family agreed with that approach, especially my wife. The husband has never been very warm to either of us (but then he is not "warm and fuzzy" towards anyone). After I sent the e-mails, I understand that my stepdaugter went to him to ask him what to do, and that he responded that she should call my wife. I have great suspicion that he used this event as retribution upon me and my wife (his mother-in-law), and used my stepdaughter as his pawn.
My question is this: Should my stepdaughter have come to me first and tried to explain and work things out (YES) or was she right in going straight to my wife by telephone and sending my e-mails to her.(NO). Your input would be appreciated.
I first met my stepdaughter when she was age 25, shortly before she married. That was 14 years ago, and she is now age 39. We have been good friends for the last 6 or 7 years (even my wife had said so), but slowly I began to fall in love with her. It's not that she is any raving beauty, but she has a unique look, and most of all, a beautiful personality. We exchanged e-mails quite often at her work.
Recently at a family get-together she showed an unusual amount of affection towards me (i.e. rubbing legs on the couch, blowing a warm kiss across the room, a very long hug at my departure). I was convinced she also felt strongly about me.
Perhaps it was emotion, perhaps it was curiosity, perhaps it was my monthly testosterone shot (a known aphrodisiac), perhaps it was because my wife was out of town (or perhaps all of these), I e-mailed my stepdauhter, telling her how I felt about her, that I had "deep feelings" which I had been hiding for years. I received no response, but later found out that she had called my wife at the other stepdaugter's home, and forwarded my e-mails to them. Now everybody knows, and I am the dog of the family. My wife has insisted we go to marital counseling as well. Our marriage is almost on the rocks.
I know what I did was wrong....a betrayal of my wife (and with her own daughter, no less)but I feel strongly that my stepdaughter should have confronted me herself, and that going straight to my wife was destructive to everyone. A simple e-mail telling me I was "off base" would have been adequate. It was as though 7 years of friendship had just vanished. My wife, on the other hand, thinks I am just upset because I got caught (I have been totally faithful to my wife since we were married).
Complicating the matter is the husband of my stepdaughter. He had been an alcholic for 10 years of their marriage, and is now reformed through AA. When he got his second DUI, my stepdaughter left him in jail for 30 days to dry out. Everyone in the family agreed with that approach, especially my wife. The husband has never been very warm to either of us (but then he is not "warm and fuzzy" towards anyone). After I sent the e-mails, I understand that my stepdaugter went to him to ask him what to do, and that he responded that she should call my wife. I have great suspicion that he used this event as retribution upon me and my wife (his mother-in-law), and used my stepdaughter as his pawn.
My question is this: Should my stepdaughter have come to me first and tried to explain and work things out (YES) or was she right in going straight to my wife by telephone and sending my e-mails to her.(NO). Your input would be appreciated.
It would have also been very easy for my stepdaughter to respond with a simple one line e-mail stating that my feelings were not reciprocated. She knows I would have honored that. And she would have protected her mother as well. So why did she do it?
Once she told her husband, she lost complete control of the situation, and he became the puppetmaster. He also has control over my wife, because he has the key to the 3yr. old grandson, and to her daughter, and the daughter is obliged to go along. Before this incident, he had taunted my wife with the idea that he may move her daughter to Colorado (and out of the infuluence of the family, none of whom like him very much). The only thing that stops him is that she is the breadwinner. He tinkers with a small computer repair business that is more pretend than anything. She gets up at 5:30. He sleeps till 8:00. We are talking about someone who was drunk at his own wedding, and made fun of the marriage vows. The preacher was in an inch of stopping the ceremony, and my stepdaughter's friends were livid. My wife even offered to help her daughter "escape" before the wedding after he passed out on the couch at the rehearsal dinner. To boot, he also thinks that he is smarter that everyone else in the family even though most of us have graduate degrees, and he barely made it through college.
secondly i do havw to agree though that this girl is not a girl she ia full grown adult.she should have came to you herself and talked about with you and told her how she felt.
but your already fked. i hope everything turned out alright
both of you are idiots.
you should never tell someone in the family you hav a crush on them. if it is family DON'T EVEN GO THERE END IT!!!
Well you are as wrong about that as you were to crush on your wife's daughter in the first place.
You're selfish & have very poor judgement. Why on earth would you think you have a right to behave terribly AND then tell other people how they should react?!?
The only "should" is that your wife recognize this as the deal breaker it is and leave you.
I don't think most people make a conscious decision as to whom they get a crush on, or fall in love with. It just happens. And this is not uncommon. The most common form of marital infidelity is with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law. In my case there has been no infidelity, no propositioning, no passes, no suggestions of any conduct. But you seem to think that telling my stepdaughte5r that I have "deep feelings" for her is grounds for divorce. You would get laughed out of court.
As I have indicated, the easiest thing for me would be to never see my stepdaughter again, and I would do it, but neither my wife nor my stepdaughter want that. The real problem is her husband, whom I have thought is an SOB for the last 15 years. My wife says her daughter is "naive", and her sister's husband says that "every day she stays married to him shows how little she thinks of herself". He is the one behind this family spectacle and every one knows it. I don't intend to ever give him the time of day, nor will either be included in my will as long as they are married.
As for my stepdaugter and wife, we are back on good terms, and I have apologized to both. I just won't go to the stepdaughters house anymore. My wife can go alone. My stepdaughter is totally welcome at our house.
She got freaked out and scared because suddenly her step father has turned into a creepy old guy trying to hit on her. Yuck and gross.
You obviously mis-read due to your creepy wishful thinking that she was signaling romantic interest in you. Her husband's character or personality is irrelevant in this issue, it's your character or whatever you are substituting for character that's at issue.
You are evil because you abused a trusting relationship and are now blaming her because you did not get away with it. Jack*ss!! I hope the whole family throws you out of their lives because that's what you deserve.
Just because you have Thought she felt the same way does not make it so. Why would you even consider telling her? did you expect her to tell you she felt the same and you could leave your wife and she could leave her spouse and you would live happily ever after?
Your wife also has every right to be furious with you. you showed poor judgement, lack of communication, and that you were straying from your marriage. The fact that it was her daughter I'm sure is also going to cause her some trust issues.
Let me give an example: About two years ago, at a family get-together, my sister-in-law, told me that she "had always had a thing for me"(which is about what I told my stepdaughter). I told her that I was "flattered" and continued the conversation and the day as though nothing had happened. Never mentioned it to anyone. My sister-in-law and I have never had a tense minute about it. But suppose I had gone to her husband, and my wife, and made a big deal out of it. It would have harmed a lot of family relations, for no good reason! My 39 year old stepdaughter went crying to her mother because she made the mistake of telling her husband, and he made a big deal out of it. So she "threw me under the bus", for the sake of her marriage. Only afterward did she realize how much she had hurt her mother (and me). Immature? You be the judge.
One last thing (and this is not about you). Some of the people who have commented on this blog need to lighten up, and get real. It seems that many have these idealized expectations of marriage. It's the major reason the divorce rate is over 50%%. Most marriages go through "rough patches", and time is the healer. If people are committed to stay married they can usually work it out.
Do you really expect me to take you seriously?
You also have to look at it from her perspective, your mothers husband e-mails you that he has feeling for you. thats not exactly a normal situation.
Sure, the situation being what it was...nothing happened and you feel that because of that, things should have been different in order to protect your interests...but what if she had the feelings you imagined she had? What if she had responded that she was in love with you as well? Things would not have been as innocent.
The fact that you professed your love to her indicates that you were willing to take a chance at stepping outside your marriage. It indicates that cheating on your wife (or even not cheating but still ending your marriage for her own daughter) was not out of the question in your mind. Your wife should know the kind of man she is married to.
Your step daughter was without a doubt right to do what she did.
Anyway, I think what you did was pretty stupid but your stepdaughter was a bit out of order to show it too your wife (Didn't you already post this same story, either that or this a common occurence)
Also, why do you get testosterone shots, you know they make your balls shrink right?
Sexual/mental/emotional attraction toward anyone is normal and can't be helped, but just because it's there doesn't mean it has to be pursued. Surely there were other fish in the sea... like, say, the woman's mother?
Of course I am still in love with my stepdaughter. Did you think that would change overnight? The marriage counseling books I have read say that I should treat my stepdaughter like an alcholic addiction...Complete separation, refuse to ever see her again (She is now the "other woman"). And to be honest that is what I would like to do. But my wife does not want that, and neither does my stepdaughter. Well imagine how awkward I'm going to feel at family gatherings (and please don't tell me I should have thought of that). And if her husband makes any smart remarks, there is no telling what could happen. I know that both of them decided to create this family "spectacle". I just don't want to have anything to do with either of them for at least 3-5 years or longer.
No more comments are requested.
As for the loving my wife comment. Who ever said that loving one woman mutually excludes loving another. The law, and most marriage books, talk about adultery, not love. I love two women and have no intention of engaging in adultery. And by the way, Josie, marriage is a huge commitment that goes beyond romantic love. You also do not take into account my wife's love for me, when you suggest I should leave her. She would be destroyed.
My wife asked me yesterday if I was still in love with her daughter. I told her "I would probably always have a crush on her." Her response (with a smile) was "I can live with that". She knows her daughter is a wonderful and loveable person.
A psychopath is someone who is mentally unstable in a dangerous way. I had no intent to hurt anyone. There's something about the anonymity of the internet that invites "name calling".
I have already apologized profusely to my wife, and to my daughter. I have also honestly admitted that I have a "crush" on my stepdaughter, and probably always will. I can't just write her out of my life, like the "other woman". We will be coming in constant contact with each other, so I have promised my stepdaughter that I will not "cross over the line", in what I say, and she has hugged me with affection several times in front of her mother, and said as far as she was concerned "It never happened". That's the best I can do, or any man could do.
But I also know the "outing", as you call it, was the malicious work of my stepdaughter's husband, and I am not likely to have anything to do with him again.
I think maybe you have romantic problems yourself, given the outspoken nature of your response. I'm reading a book called THE ANGER TRAP by Dr. Les Carter. I recommend it to you.
i fell in love with my 15 year old stepdaughter last year. i am 33 and my wife is 35 i have left her now and i am now in the most intense loving relationship with my former stepdauhter now aged 16. i canot imagine being away from her side and we are expecting our first child of our new family this summer.
praise be to god for finding me my true lover
That said YES she should have come back to you before taking any other steps. If that would put the brakes on everything and no one would have been hurt.
But that happened so much that a spouse drive a wage between his partner all their friends and family.
Your stepdaughters husband is a real lous and she is better off without him anyway.
Good luck
In my opinion the daughter behaved immaturely, I mean for god's sake, it's not like he jumped on her and raped her. He merely told her what he'd been ‘feeling’, you know? “thoughts” remember them, that's all. All this fully grown ‘woman’ did was cause real emotional pain to her mother and the rest of her family. That’s all. She did not act to the greater good. There are a million better ways she could have handled things. Perhaps she likes dramas I don't know.
The sheer venom that you people spat at this man suggests to me you have your own issues and are opportunistically kicking this person when he’s showing vulnerability. Nice job.
“ballroom (28725)” you’ve conducted yourself admirablyl against this angry mob. Think yourself lucky they weren’t armed with stone or you’d have been a gonner. I’m sure you already know well enough you make a mistake and I’m sure you won’t make it again in a hurry. Don’t think badly of yourself though. Step Parents are completely unarmed in the dealings with their step children, whether it be in parenting, disciplining, or even protection against having feelings for them. It’s obvious. And it’s perfectly feasable they could be drawn toward someone who’s genetically similar to the partner they were drawn to in the first place. Happily, biological parents have complete immunity against that (ok well most) but Step parents have zero immunity.
Best of luck to you, looks like things are already on the mend. The rest of you, sod off.
Think you hit the nail on the head there.
Seen it so many times. People describe something foolish they did and people jump on the bandwagon kicking and screaming at them without showing an ounce of empathy.Especially when it comes to sex. Symptomatic of huge internal emotional unresolved issues in their own lives. Battering someone in a similar position makes them feel better.
Good luck mate - you are lucky in the sense that you have a very understanding wife and stepdaughter. Concentrate on them and forget every other prat who wants his ounce of flesh.