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FELL IN LOVE WITH MY STEPDAUGHTER
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This is NOT one of those tacky stories about the evil stepfather who has sex with his 16yr. old daughter. In fact, there is no sex involved here at all.

I first met my stepdaughter when she was age 25, shortly before she married. That was 14 years ago, and she is now age 39. We have been good friends for the last 6 or 7 years (even my wife had said so), but slowly I began to fall in love with her. It's not that she is any raving beauty, but she has a unique look, and most of all, a beautiful personality. We exchanged e-mails quite often at her work.

Recently at a family get-together she showed an unusual amount of affection towards me (i.e. rubbing legs on the couch, blowing a warm kiss across the room, a very long hug at my departure). I was convinced she also felt strongly about me.

Perhaps it was emotion, perhaps it was curiosity, perhaps it was my monthly testosterone shot (a known aphrodisiac), perhaps it was because my wife was out of town (or perhaps all of these), I e-mailed my stepdauhter, telling her how I felt about her, that I had "deep feelings" which I had been hiding for years. I received no response, but later found out that she had called my wife at the other stepdaugter's home, and forwarded my e-mails to them. Now everybody knows, and I am the dog of the family. My wife has insisted we go to marital counseling as well. Our marriage is almost on the rocks.

I know what I did was wrong....a betrayal of my wife (and with her own daughter, no less)but I feel strongly that my stepdaughter should have confronted me herself, and that going straight to my wife was destructive to everyone. A simple e-mail telling me I was "off base" would have been adequate. It was as though 7 years of friendship had just vanished. My wife, on the other hand, thinks I am just upset because I got caught (I have been totally faithful to my wife since we were married).

Complicating the matter is the husband of my stepdaughter. He had been an alcholic for 10 years of their marriage, and is now reformed through AA. When he got his second DUI, my stepdaughter left him in jail for 30 days to dry out. Everyone in the family agreed with that approach, especially my wife. The husband has never been very warm to either of us (but then he is not "warm and fuzzy" towards anyone). After I sent the e-mails, I understand that my stepdaugter went to him to ask him what to do, and that he responded that she should call my wife. I have great suspicion that he used this event as retribution upon me and my wife (his mother-in-law), and used my stepdaughter as his pawn.

My question is this: Should my stepdaughter have come to me first and tried to explain and work things out (YES) or was she right in going straight to my wife by telephone and sending my e-mails to her.(NO). Your input would be appreciated.
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Comments (57)
cabinet70
You are a very foolish man and Im being polite so this gets posted. I have a beautiful stepdaughter who can be quite affectionate to me as well but this doent mean she wants to have sex with me. Your stepdaughter was trying to show how nice she thought you were and probably how nice you were to her mother as well but youve completely fucked it up. I suggest you make yourself scarce you can never repair the damage youve done
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You are correct in the points you have made. Yes, I was very foolish, and you really don't need to use 4 letter words. And you are right, I am going to have to make myself very scarce, and the damage may never be undone. However, I don't know if the comparison with your own stepdaughter is valid, unless you are also in love with her.

It would have also been very easy for my stepdaughter to respond with a simple one line e-mail stating that my feelings were not reciprocated. She knows I would have honored that. And she would have protected her mother as well. So why did she do it?
Once she told her husband, she lost complete control of the situation, and he became the puppetmaster. He also has control over my wife, because he has the key to the 3yr. old grandson, and to her daughter, and the daughter is obliged to go along. Before this incident, he had taunted my wife with the idea that he may move her daughter to Colorado (and out of the infuluence of the family, none of whom like him very much). The only thing that stops him is that she is the breadwinner. He tinkers with a small computer repair business that is more pretend than anything. She gets up at 5:30. He sleeps till 8:00. We are talking about someone who was drunk at his own wedding, and made fun of the marriage vows. The preacher was in an inch of stopping the ceremony, and my stepdaughter's friends were livid. My wife even offered to help her daughter "escape" before the wedding after he passed out on the couch at the rehearsal dinner. To boot, he also thinks that he is smarter that everyone else in the family even though most of us have graduate degrees, and he barely made it through college.
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Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot. Isn't it exciting just to feel as if you'll never know? Why did you email her the truth?
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ur an idiot first off for even thinking about that and crossing the line!!! it's like an UNWRITTEN BOOK OF RULES YOU DON'T EVER BREAK!!!
secondly i do havw to agree though that this girl is not a girl she ia full grown adult.she should have came to you herself and talked about with you and told her how she felt.
but your already fked. i hope everything turned out alright
both of you are idiots.
you should never tell someone in the family you hav a crush on them. if it is family DON'T EVEN GO THERE END IT!!!
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Ollieo
You obviously want people to agree with you (that she "should have" gone to you first).

Well you are as wrong about that as you were to crush on your wife's daughter in the first place.

You're selfish & have very poor judgement. Why on earth would you think you have a right to behave terribly AND then tell other people how they should react?!?

The only "should" is that your wife recognize this as the deal breaker it is and leave you.
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@: Ollieo
The certainty and vehemence with which you make your statements make me wonder about your own marital experiences. Your certainty also flies in the face of 45%% of the people who disagree with you.

I don't think most people make a conscious decision as to whom they get a crush on, or fall in love with. It just happens. And this is not uncommon. The most common form of marital infidelity is with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law. In my case there has been no infidelity, no propositioning, no passes, no suggestions of any conduct. But you seem to think that telling my stepdaughte5r that I have "deep feelings" for her is grounds for divorce. You would get laughed out of court.

As I have indicated, the easiest thing for me would be to never see my stepdaughter again, and I would do it, but neither my wife nor my stepdaughter want that. The real problem is her husband, whom I have thought is an SOB for the last 15 years. My wife says her daughter is "naive", and her sister's husband says that "every day she stays married to him shows how little she thinks of herself". He is the one behind this family spectacle and every one knows it. I don't intend to ever give him the time of day, nor will either be included in my will as long as they are married.

As for my stepdaugter and wife, we are back on good terms, and I have apologized to both. I just won't go to the stepdaughters house anymore. My wife can go alone. My stepdaughter is totally welcome at our house.
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She was right to go to her mother, saying she shouldn't is like those pedophiles who tell kids not to go to their parents. Her mother deserved to know because her mother brought you, the creep, into her life. You are the one who was wrong. And you are only angry because you got caught. You were hoping she would talk only to you about it so you could keep it hush hush and sweep it under the rug, the way pedophiles do with kids. It's the same pattern.

She got freaked out and scared because suddenly her step father has turned into a creepy old guy trying to hit on her. Yuck and gross.

You obviously mis-read due to your creepy wishful thinking that she was signaling romantic interest in you. Her husband's character or personality is irrelevant in this issue, it's your character or whatever you are substituting for character that's at issue.

You are evil because you abused a trusting relationship and are now blaming her because you did not get away with it. Jack*ss!! I hope the whole family throws you out of their lives because that's what you deserve.
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Sorry, that I have nothing but schadenfreude for you dude. You were in the wrong because you violated the mores of society and no matter how you slice it, you thought you'd get something kinky and now you got butthurt. Not matter how she reacted, she was no where near as wrong as you and now you have the chutzpah to think that she was wrong for letting her mother know and protecting her marriage? Get over yourself.
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@: asjoma
Actually, I believe she turned a molehill into a mountain by going public. A simple response to my e-mail would have solved the problem. She didn't help my wife, I can assure you. My wife is very angry at the stepdaughter's husband for pushing her daughter into this. I'm not sure that I can ever go to a family get together with him around. I might just give him a knuckleburger. If it were just my wife, my stepdaughter, and me, we could resolve this problem. My wife is more concerned about the destruction that "going public" has done to the family than she is about my conduct. But she has to walk a very thin line with the stepdaughter and her husband in order to be able to see her grandchild.
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You're an idiot! Plus you asked for advice when the shit is already in the fan. Maybe you should write a letter like this to your wife.
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Some people have a hard time showing good manners.
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I think she had every right to. It probably was VERY unexpected to her and freaked her out. I think she may have still been uncomfortable with just an email response. Many women have experienced that men are not willing to give up hence the jaw dropping sexual assault and rape statistics between women and someone they either know or trust. I think you probably caught her off guard and she was not prepared and did something any girl would do. Freak out.

Just because you have Thought she felt the same way does not make it so. Why would you even consider telling her? did you expect her to tell you she felt the same and you could leave your wife and she could leave her spouse and you would live happily ever after?

Your wife also has every right to be furious with you. you showed poor judgement, lack of communication, and that you were straying from your marriage. The fact that it was her daughter I'm sure is also going to cause her some trust issues.
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But dont you love your wife? If you do, how can you love/want any other woman, incuding her own daughter? I think that she was right to go to her mother first because it's her mom and youre just a step dad. Plus, whether it is your step daughter or just another woman, you should only want to be with your wife.
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Good question, blahuhblah! I don't love my wife in as passionate or romantic way as I did early on in the marriage. She is more like a life companion than a romance. And we married too late in life for her to give me children. She loves me much more romantically than I love her, and it would devastate her if I were to leave her. But I have no such plans. That is why her daughter's handling of this situation was so awful.

Let me give an example: About two years ago, at a family get-together, my sister-in-law, told me that she "had always had a thing for me"(which is about what I told my stepdaughter). I told her that I was "flattered" and continued the conversation and the day as though nothing had happened. Never mentioned it to anyone. My sister-in-law and I have never had a tense minute about it. But suppose I had gone to her husband, and my wife, and made a big deal out of it. It would have harmed a lot of family relations, for no good reason! My 39 year old stepdaughter went crying to her mother because she made the mistake of telling her husband, and he made a big deal out of it. So she "threw me under the bus", for the sake of her marriage. Only afterward did she realize how much she had hurt her mother (and me). Immature? You be the judge.

One last thing (and this is not about you). Some of the people who have commented on this blog need to lighten up, and get real. It seems that many have these idealized expectations of marriage. It's the major reason the divorce rate is over 50%%. Most marriages go through "rough patches", and time is the healer. If people are committed to stay married they can usually work it out.
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I think that her going to her mother is a question that should not even be asked! What would any child do 39 or 9? go to there mother and the fact that you were betraying the mother just makes more sense for her to go to her mother. you were expressing your feelings for another woman and it is just extra weight with it being the daughter of your wife. I dont think you should be asking if she should had responded only to you. How selfish of you to feek betrayed, what kind of person are you to think that this could have been handled a different way. And now you are concerned with your marrige after you expressed feelings for another woman? Thats insane! And you are not right for putting the blame on your son in law. Be a man take responsability for your own actions you were unfaithful in many ways. You should have packed your own things and left because you tore up your own family. you are shameful!
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Princess800607

Do you really expect me to take you seriously?
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I think that it was wrong of her to go to her mother without confronting you first. Given the situation. If you had been her step-father from an early age then it would be different.

You also have to look at it from her perspective, your mothers husband e-mails you that he has feeling for you. thats not exactly a normal situation.
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Her loyalty is to her mother..sorry. You should move on to someone else you obvisously don't love your wife any more.
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Blaming everyone else except yourself, yes? I'd like to know what would have happened had she reciprocated your feelings? You keep talking about how much your step-daughter hurt your wife by emailing her your note. How much would BOTH of you have hurt her had you had an affair? And I also think that whether or not the step-daughter's husband is a horrible person is irrelevant in this situation.
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dont try to play vicctim, that would creep the hell out of me and i would have done what she did! its not cuz ther out to get you its cuz that fuckin creepy. sorry but thats my opinion and you shouldnt try to blame this on others.
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IMO... U both r at fault. She shouldn't being playing footsies or blowing kisses across the room to her *stepdad* and u should know that having feeling towards ur stepdaughter to begin with is just wrong! She should have confronted u and told u that u missunderstood her actions then u both should of went to ur wife/her mother and talked about it. I'm not saying this cuz this is wat u wanted to hear I'm saying this cuz this is wat shoulda happened. This shoulda been kept between the 3 of u, and the wife/mother should of made the final descision of trusting u and seeing if ur marriage could still work. It's gonna b very hard for u to earn ur wifes trust back. The relationship between mother and daughter might b hurt to now and no trust there as well! This is a sad situation that coulda been prevented on both sides yours and hers and it will never b like the way it was. As being a stepfather ur role is to b a father figure and know ur boundaries! And she's a grown woman who should know that doing wat she did was inappropriate and never shoulda done it in the first place. When u first noticed u had these feelings u shoulda seeked counciling by urself if u really cared for ur wife! Wats done is done u can't b thinking about who's fault this really is cuz it's urs, plain and simple! And as for ur stepdaughters husband he seems like an idiot anyways so everyone needs to just ignore him cuz he sounds like a poor excuse for a humanbeing anyways!
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IamTheGod
haha what a fool you are
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as wrong as that sounds from how you speak sir i can tell your a good man and you cant fight your attractions they are only normal and there is no shame in what your mind desires. i just wish things didnt go so bad for you. im sorry thats how everything turned out, i hope things get better for you sir.
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I'm sorry but she absolutely did the right thing. YOU and you alone were at fault. No one else played a part in that.

Sure, the situation being what it was...nothing happened and you feel that because of that, things should have been different in order to protect your interests...but what if she had the feelings you imagined she had? What if she had responded that she was in love with you as well? Things would not have been as innocent.

The fact that you professed your love to her indicates that you were willing to take a chance at stepping outside your marriage. It indicates that cheating on your wife (or even not cheating but still ending your marriage for her own daughter) was not out of the question in your mind. Your wife should know the kind of man she is married to.

Your step daughter was without a doubt right to do what she did.
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You are sick please get mental help. Pedophilia is a life long addiction and I hope no one ever leaves their kids around you again. Dirty old man!!!
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Pedophilia is sexual attraction to a child. You didn't read my story. My stepdaughter is 39 years old! She was already an adult the first time I ever met her.
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You obvioulsy didn't even bother to read the first sentence. Moron.


Anyway, I think what you did was pretty stupid but your stepdaughter was a bit out of order to show it too your wife (Didn't you already post this same story, either that or this a common occurence)
Also, why do you get testosterone shots, you know they make your balls shrink right?
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I've done quite a bit of study on the subject of testosterone replacement therapy. Both the VA, which prescribed it, and my urologist are fine with it, as long as I get a PSA test twice a year. My levels were low. It's not just the aphrodisiac properties (which lasts for several weeks), but the anti-aging, and anti-depression properties as well. About 13 million men should be treated with this, but only about 5 to 10%% are.
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You're Wrong for going after your wife's daughter at any age, even though genetically speaking she's fair game. However, why a person would show their mother something like that... the mind boggles. Maybe you're both just a little Off.

Sexual/mental/emotional attraction toward anyone is normal and can't be helped, but just because it's there doesn't mean it has to be pursued. Surely there were other fish in the sea... like, say, the woman's mother?
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Excuse me let me say this..Sir you are not sick nor a predator that woman was grown..and the fact is you stepped out on a limb and told her your true feelings..Yes, it would have been a secret between you guys, but I truly feel she was wrong for sending that e-mail to everyone. She could have simply said "whoa, buddy I didn't mean it like that..let's not go there" personally i feel that if she was any type of friend she wouldn't have ruined your life like that. If she comes back later and says I'm sorry for what I did I want to be with you don;t fall for it because she burned you once she will probably burn you again. Both was tacky but you are normal...
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whatever she felt like she had to do... it was up to her, you cant say whats wrong or right cause youre just looking after yourself, she cares about her mom and wants her to know what you are doing, if she respects yourself shell prbably dup you if not well, shell try to hold on to you and forcve you to counceling (not fun i guess)
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Ok so i think u tried 2 get sum ting kinky and got butthurt. But i also think u actually fell in love with her and she just didn't feel the same way. But she was kind of wrong to tell everyone cuz you've been friends for 7 years b4 it happened. so i guess she's just not a true friend then. But nobody's totally faultless, so u can't be too proud about ur point.
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Sounds to me like you've been sniffing some white lines.
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Pearls before swine.
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Not so. I read every word you wrote, and it was probably the most intelligent response I got. But one has to wonder with 47%% of respondents agreeing with me, that there is more than one way to look at this. And it is also peculiar that most of the respondents are negative. I think this site invites sado-masochists.

Of course I am still in love with my stepdaughter. Did you think that would change overnight? The marriage counseling books I have read say that I should treat my stepdaughter like an alcholic addiction...Complete separation, refuse to ever see her again (She is now the "other woman"). And to be honest that is what I would like to do. But my wife does not want that, and neither does my stepdaughter. Well imagine how awkward I'm going to feel at family gatherings (and please don't tell me I should have thought of that). And if her husband makes any smart remarks, there is no telling what could happen. I know that both of them decided to create this family "spectacle". I just don't want to have anything to do with either of them for at least 3-5 years or longer.
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The question was whether my stepdaughter should have spoken to me first or gone straight to her mother. I appreciate the time you have spent responding, but it really doesn't address the question. I am not really interested in anything else.
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Man you're an idiot you never ever sent messages with that information, and you should talk with her first now you are fucked!!! good luck dude
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EPILOGUE: My stepdaughter has come to my house for a three day weekend with her little boy (my grandchild), and will be coming again in a week or two. We all decided we wanted to GET PAST RECENT EVENTS WITHOUT ANY MORE DISCUSSION. I am sure that neither she, nor my wife, nor me will ever see events in the same way. BUT IT IS NOT IMPORTANT. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT WE ALL WANT TO MAINTAIN OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OTHER. "Getting Past" situations only requires the desire of the parties involved. It does not require resolution. Imagine how many good marriages have gone down in divorce because the people involved just wouldn't allow themselves to get pass the situation.

No more comments are requested.
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I agree with you that my stepdaughter's first loyalty is to her mother. That is even more reason she should have come to me first. The whole thing could have been avoided, and her mother would not have been hurt. You also seem to have forgotten that her actions provoked my e-mail.

As for the loving my wife comment. Who ever said that loving one woman mutually excludes loving another. The law, and most marriage books, talk about adultery, not love. I love two women and have no intention of engaging in adultery. And by the way, Josie, marriage is a huge commitment that goes beyond romantic love. You also do not take into account my wife's love for me, when you suggest I should leave her. She would be destroyed.

My wife asked me yesterday if I was still in love with her daughter. I told her "I would probably always have a crush on her." Her response (with a smile) was "I can live with that". She knows her daughter is a wonderful and loveable person.
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You are trying to make excuses for why she should not have gone to her mother and outed you, if she was loyal to her mother she should not have hurt her. It was you who hurt her mother with your actions not her. Take responsibility and put the blame where it belongs - on you you psychopath!
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Mieoux,

A psychopath is someone who is mentally unstable in a dangerous way. I had no intent to hurt anyone. There's something about the anonymity of the internet that invites "name calling".

I have already apologized profusely to my wife, and to my daughter. I have also honestly admitted that I have a "crush" on my stepdaughter, and probably always will. I can't just write her out of my life, like the "other woman". We will be coming in constant contact with each other, so I have promised my stepdaughter that I will not "cross over the line", in what I say, and she has hugged me with affection several times in front of her mother, and said as far as she was concerned "It never happened". That's the best I can do, or any man could do.

But I also know the "outing", as you call it, was the malicious work of my stepdaughter's husband, and I am not likely to have anything to do with him again.

I think maybe you have romantic problems yourself, given the outspoken nature of your response. I'm reading a book called THE ANGER TRAP by Dr. Les Carter. I recommend it to you.
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Sir..I know the situations is probably over now..but in my opinion which I responded too..She was wrong. If she really took everything into consideration and thought before she did that knowing how it would affect everyone she wouldn't have handled it that way..No matter what the man who influenced her said. She is grown!
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Gross. And wrong on all levels
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She was right to forward those to her mother. Because obviously you have been unfaithful in your mind to your wife. That is completely wrong no matter if she's not your real daughter. You signed the marriage papers and so you committed to your WIFE and as her husband her kids are OFF LIMITS. Perhaps you are in a midlife crisis. But I think that your punishment should be harsher. That is just unacceptable!
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Thats a woman for ya....NEVER fall for the flirting. Never think a woman likes you just because they blow kisses, wink, show you their titts, etc. its all a game. They get a kick out of teasing men, its for their own personal enjoyment not yours. Rule of thumb, if there is a line to be crossed let them cross it COMPLETELY before you do anything....and still think twice. This is how many men get caught up on rape cases. Because its always a womans prerogative to change her mind, at any given time for any given reason...and guess who is wrong, the Man.
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Honestly, I think that your step- daughter was showing affection toward you because she may not have had much of a father figure in her life and just wanted someone to give her that affection that she never had. But was overwhelmed and shocked that you took that the wrong way. However, I may be wrong but you should seriously consider it.
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like anybody else if your with somebody and they know it and you try getting with somebody else they are gonna make the person aware of it
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what the fuck.
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I'm so confused.
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ITS A MESSED UP WORLD
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off topic but this seems more like a poll than an is it normal but in my opinion she shouldnt have done it. she should have taken this situation into her own hands and kept it confidential. she should have known the possible damage that could have been done. trust me ive made this mistake before and ive lived with it for eight years.
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She technically did nothing wrong, but she should have just told you to leave her alone, and kept it all a secret. I really despise her more than you, actually, can't help myself. You sound tortured, and like you needed her to tell you it was hopeless, you didn't need her to help you feel like an even bigger douche bag than you already consider yourself. She's a grown up, too bad she doesn't act like one.
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yes it is normal.

i fell in love with my 15 year old stepdaughter last year. i am 33 and my wife is 35 i have left her now and i am now in the most intense loving relationship with my former stepdauhter now aged 16. i canot imagine being away from her side and we are expecting our first child of our new family this summer.

praise be to god for finding me my true lover
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can i just say.... woody allen!!! fuck all you non understanders!
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First of all you should not have done it over the Internet. It should have been done face to face with her.
That said YES she should have come back to you before taking any other steps. If that would put the brakes on everything and no one would have been hurt.
But that happened so much that a spouse drive a wage between his partner all their friends and family.
Your stepdaughters husband is a real lous and she is better off without him anyway.
Good luck
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oh my god, you people are all so sure of yourselves and so holier than thou, hell that's just !@#$ing scary. This poor man made a bit of a blunder, yes ok, but who the hell hasn't in this chaotic world, and he’s dealt with lots of confusing signals she's put out as best as he could muster. He's only human.
In my opinion the daughter behaved immaturely, I mean for god's sake, it's not like he jumped on her and raped her. He merely told her what he'd been ‘feeling’, you know? “thoughts” remember them, that's all. All this fully grown ‘woman’ did was cause real emotional pain to her mother and the rest of her family. That’s all. She did not act to the greater good. There are a million better ways she could have handled things. Perhaps she likes dramas I don't know.
The sheer venom that you people spat at this man suggests to me you have your own issues and are opportunistically kicking this person when he’s showing vulnerability. Nice job.

“ballroom (28725)” you’ve conducted yourself admirablyl against this angry mob. Think yourself lucky they weren’t armed with stone or you’d have been a gonner. I’m sure you already know well enough you make a mistake and I’m sure you won’t make it again in a hurry. Don’t think badly of yourself though. Step Parents are completely unarmed in the dealings with their step children, whether it be in parenting, disciplining, or even protection against having feelings for them. It’s obvious. And it’s perfectly feasable they could be drawn toward someone who’s genetically similar to the partner they were drawn to in the first place. Happily, biological parents have complete immunity against that (ok well most) but Step parents have zero immunity.

Best of luck to you, looks like things are already on the mend. The rest of you, sod off.
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"The sheer venom that you people spat at this man suggests to me you have your own issues and are opportunistically kicking this person when he’s showing vulnerability. "
Think you hit the nail on the head there.
Seen it so many times. People describe something foolish they did and people jump on the bandwagon kicking and screaming at them without showing an ounce of empathy.Especially when it comes to sex. Symptomatic of huge internal emotional unresolved issues in their own lives. Battering someone in a similar position makes them feel better.
Good luck mate - you are lucky in the sense that you have a very understanding wife and stepdaughter. Concentrate on them and forget every other prat who wants his ounce of flesh.
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