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FELL IN LOVE WITH MY STEPDAUGHTER
This is NOT one of those tacky stories about the evil stepfather who has sex with his 16yr. old daughter. In fact, there is no sex involved here at all.
I first met my stepdaughter when she was age 25, shortly before she married. That was 14 years ago, and she is now age 39. We have been good friends for the last 6 or 7 years (even my wife had said so), but slowly I began to fall in love with her. It's not that she is any raving beauty, but she has a unique look, and most of all, a beautiful personality. We exchanged e-mails quite often at her work.
Recently at a family get-together she showed an unusual amount of affection towards me (i.e. rubbing legs on the couch, blowing a warm kiss across the room, a very long hug at my departure). I was convinced she also felt strongly about me.
Perhaps it was emotion, perhaps it was curiosity, perhaps it was my monthly testosterone shot (a known aphrodisiac), perhaps it was because my wife was out of town (or perhaps all of these), I e-mailed my stepdauhter, telling her how I felt about her, that I had "deep feelings" which I had been hiding for years. I received no response, but later found out that she had called my wife at the other stepdaugter's home, and forwarded my e-mails to them. Now everybody knows, and I am the dog of the family. My wife has insisted we go to marital counseling as well. Our marriage is almost on the rocks.
I know what I did was wrong....a betrayal of my wife (and with her own daughter, no less)but I feel strongly that my stepdaughter should have confronted me herself, and that going straight to my wife was destructive to everyone. A simple e-mail telling me I was "off base" would have been adequate. It was as though 7 years of friendship had just vanished. My wife, on the other hand, thinks I am just upset because I got caught (I have been totally faithful to my wife since we were married).
Complicating the matter is the husband of my stepdaughter. He had been an alcholic for 10 years of their marriage, and is now reformed through AA. When he got his second DUI, my stepdaughter left him in jail for 30 days to dry out. Everyone in the family agreed with that approach, especially my wife. The husband has never been very warm to either of us (but then he is not "warm and fuzzy" towards anyone). After I sent the e-mails, I understand that my stepdaugter went to him to ask him what to do, and that he responded that she should call my wife. I have great suspicion that he used this event as retribution upon me and my wife (his mother-in-law), and used my stepdaughter as his pawn.
My question is this: Should my stepdaughter have come to me first and tried to explain and work things out (YES) or was she right in going straight to my wife by telephone and sending my e-mails to her.(NO). Your input would be appreciated.
I first met my stepdaughter when she was age 25, shortly before she married. That was 14 years ago, and she is now age 39. We have been good friends for the last 6 or 7 years (even my wife had said so), but slowly I began to fall in love with her. It's not that she is any raving beauty, but she has a unique look, and most of all, a beautiful personality. We exchanged e-mails quite often at her work.
Recently at a family get-together she showed an unusual amount of affection towards me (i.e. rubbing legs on the couch, blowing a warm kiss across the room, a very long hug at my departure). I was convinced she also felt strongly about me.
Perhaps it was emotion, perhaps it was curiosity, perhaps it was my monthly testosterone shot (a known aphrodisiac), perhaps it was because my wife was out of town (or perhaps all of these), I e-mailed my stepdauhter, telling her how I felt about her, that I had "deep feelings" which I had been hiding for years. I received no response, but later found out that she had called my wife at the other stepdaugter's home, and forwarded my e-mails to them. Now everybody knows, and I am the dog of the family. My wife has insisted we go to marital counseling as well. Our marriage is almost on the rocks.
I know what I did was wrong....a betrayal of my wife (and with her own daughter, no less)but I feel strongly that my stepdaughter should have confronted me herself, and that going straight to my wife was destructive to everyone. A simple e-mail telling me I was "off base" would have been adequate. It was as though 7 years of friendship had just vanished. My wife, on the other hand, thinks I am just upset because I got caught (I have been totally faithful to my wife since we were married).
Complicating the matter is the husband of my stepdaughter. He had been an alcholic for 10 years of their marriage, and is now reformed through AA. When he got his second DUI, my stepdaughter left him in jail for 30 days to dry out. Everyone in the family agreed with that approach, especially my wife. The husband has never been very warm to either of us (but then he is not "warm and fuzzy" towards anyone). After I sent the e-mails, I understand that my stepdaugter went to him to ask him what to do, and that he responded that she should call my wife. I have great suspicion that he used this event as retribution upon me and my wife (his mother-in-law), and used my stepdaughter as his pawn.
My question is this: Should my stepdaughter have come to me first and tried to explain and work things out (YES) or was she right in going straight to my wife by telephone and sending my e-mails to her.(NO). Your input would be appreciated.
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Anyway, I think what you did was pretty stupid but your stepdaughter was a bit out of order to show it too your wife (Didn't you already post this same story, either that or this a common occurence)
Also, why do you get testosterone shots, you know they make your balls shrink right?
It would have also been very easy for my stepdaughter to respond with a simple one line e-mail stating that my feelings were not reciprocated. She knows I would have honored that. And she would have protected her mother as well. So why did she do it?
Once she told her husband, she lost complete control of the situation, and he became the puppetmaster. He also has control over my wife, because he has the key to the 3yr. old grandson, and to her daughter, and the daughter is obliged to go along. Before this incident, he had taunted my wife with the idea that he may move her daughter to Colorado (and out of the infuluence of the family, none of whom like him very much). The only thing that stops him is that she is the breadwinner. He tinkers with a small computer repair business that is more pretend than anything. She gets up at 5:30. He sleeps till 8:00. We are talking about someone who was drunk at his own wedding, and made fun of the marriage vows. The preacher was in an inch of stopping the ceremony, and my stepdaughter's friends were livid. My wife even offered to help her daughter "escape" before the wedding after he passed out on the couch at the rehearsal dinner. To boot, he also thinks that he is smarter that everyone else in the family even though most of us have graduate degrees, and he barely made it through college.
I have never seen so many classic defense mechanisms in one posting. Rationalization, Intellectualization, Denial, Distortion, Projection, Repression, the list goes on and on. I'm not piling on here. I'm just worried that you have a lot of unfinished business and your contrition rings hollow. You are in a very dangerous place and have so very much to lose if you don't get a handle on yourself. I strongly recommend seeing a good therapist. Not someone who you can BS. Someone who will call you on your behavior and help you work through this. Second, it needs to be your full time job rebuilding your damaged relationship with your wife. She needs to know you will be there for her as you both grow older. Her very security has been threatened and her world has been rocked to its foundation. You need to reassure her this will never happen again and show her you are trying to right the wrongs. You also may consider stopping the Testosterone, for no other purpose than to demonstrate to your wife and family you are willing to do anything to fix this.
Best of luck my friend. Believe me when I tell you this post comes with no malice and you would be wise to stop talking and start fixing. No more opinions from you. Quiet humility will speak volumes.
Just because you have Thought she felt the same way does not make it so. Why would you even consider telling her? did you expect her to tell you she felt the same and you could leave your wife and she could leave her spouse and you would live happily ever after?
Your wife also has every right to be furious with you. you showed poor judgement, lack of communication, and that you were straying from your marriage. The fact that it was her daughter I'm sure is also going to cause her some trust issues.
Of course I am still in love with my stepdaughter. Did you think that would change overnight? The marriage counseling books I have read say that I should treat my stepdaughter like an alcholic addiction...Complete separation, refuse to ever see her again (She is now the "other woman"). And to be honest that is what I would like to do. But my wife does not want that, and neither does my stepdaughter. Well imagine how awkward I'm going to feel at family gatherings (and please don't tell me I should have thought of that). And if her husband makes any smart remarks, there is no telling what could happen. I know that both of them decided to create this family "spectacle". I just don't want to have anything to do with either of them for at least 3-5 years or longer.