Gay jokes for Gay strokes.

505 Comments

One day in the great forest, a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.
This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.
By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen", the frog said.
"I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest,
besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all,
he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me,
were female."The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across
a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in
such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller,
"whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
"I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room
is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there,
in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body,"
he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,
but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
"All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed,
gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner,
look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you,
no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom,
so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

This gay bloke tells his boyfriend that he has got a nice new tattoo on his arse as
a special treat for him, so anyway he pulls his pants down and bends over to reveal
Mike Tyson on the right cheek, and Lennox Lewis on the other, his boyfriend shrieks
"Oh, my god, there's no way I'm getting into the ring with those two fuckers!"

Did you hear about the gay magician?
He disappeared with a poof.

Alan and Cyril two gays live together, Cyril dies.
Alan rings round all their friends and invites them to a celebratory meal to honour his wonderful lovers life.
The evening arrives and they all sit down to the hottest curry any of them have ever tasted,
one of the friends asks "Why were we not invited to the funeral for Cyril?"
Alan replies "I didn't want a funeral or a cremation for him so to be honest I chopped him up
and we`re all eating him in the curry." All the friends start throwing up and one of them calls the police.
Down at the station the detective horrified by the statements from the guests sits down if front of
Alan and asks "From what your friends have told me you loved Cyril, you've never shown
any violent tendencies before so for the love of God why would you chop him up and make
a curry out of him?" Alan looks up slowly with tears in his eyes and says
"None of you understand, I just wanted to feel him dribble out of my arse one last time."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on
how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"Daddy Longlegs" the father replied
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied
"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then,
raised her foot and stomped them flat and said,
"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."

There is a Gay & Lesbian convention at a hotel. The hotel catches fire. Who gets out first?
The gays - they packed their shit the night before.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Elton john walked into a tattoo parlour and asked to have a Rolls Royce tattooed on his dick.
The tattooist suggested that he has a Land Rover tattoo instead, as it's less likely to get stuck in shit.

What were two poofs doing in a phone box?
Ringing each other.

What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.

Q: How do you get three gays on a stool?
A: Turn it upside down!

A man is out walking in the hills when he sees a woman standing on the edge of a cliff.
She is very upset and crying loudly. "What are you doing up here?" says the man.
"I'm going to kill myself," replied the woman.
"Well, before you do, what about letting me fuck you in the ass?" said the man.
The woman proceeds to let him fuck her in the ass and it's the best one the guy can remember.
"Anyway, why do you want to kill yourself?" asks the man.
"Because my family have disowned me for dressing up as a woman."

Two gays are on the beach. One says: "Shall I put the brolly up?"
The other one replies: "Yes, but don't open it for fucks sake!"

A lesbian joins weight watchers. Her teacher tells her, "You are what you eat."
The lesbian knocks her out with one punch.
When asked why she did it she replies... "'cos she called me a cunt"!!

Four men regularly play golf at their local golf club. On this particular day,
three of the men go to the first tee, while the other man goes to the clubhouse and pays for everyone.
While the fourth man is on his way to the first tee himself, the other three begin to discuss
what their sons do for a living. The first man says
"My son is an estate agent. He's so important at his company that he was able to give one of
his friends a house for free." The second man says "My son works on the stock exchange,
he's so wealthy that he was able to give one of his friends 500 free shares in a multi-million company."
The third man says "My son is a car salesman. He's so wealthy and important at his company
that he gave one of his friends two free cars."
When the fourth man returns, the other three ask him what his son does for a living.
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not proud of it,
but at least he's doing pretty well for himself. Some of his 'friends' have given him stuff,
including two free cars, 500 free shares and a free house."

Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?
They gave each other the willies!

Why don't gays do 70mph?
Because 69's a mouth full...

(Except with spammie)

Two gays living together.
First one says "Let's play hide and seek. I'll go hide and if you find me I'll suck your cock."
Second one says "What if I can't find you?"
First one replies "I'll be under the bed."

A bloke was sent to prison and placed in a cell with a huge, burly guy.
When lights-out occurred, the big guy got out of his bunk and said to him,
"We're going to have sex! You want to be the Mommie or the Daddie?"
The terrified bloke replied..........
"Uh, well, I guess I'll be the Daddie."
Then the burley guy said,
"OK then, get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"

Q: How can your tell your best friend is gay?
A: He gets a hard on when you fuck him up the arse.

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!

Sol Campbell is requesting a transfer back to Tottenham.
He heard there strikers are Bent and Keane!

A huge mean looking guy with scars on his face and covered in tatoos walks into a bar and
goes and stands in the middle of the room. He turns to the guys sitting on his left and shouts
"All the guys sitting on this side of the bar are motherfuckers! Any of you got a problem with that?"
Then he turns to the right side of the bar and shouts "All the guys sitting on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!
Any of you got a problem with that?" Noone wants to mess with this guy so they all look down at their drinks.
A man on the left side of the bar gets up and walks towards the tough guy.
"What the fuck are you doing?" the tough guy demands.
The man says "I think I'm on the wrong side of the bar..."

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I",
pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants,
whips out his dick and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off
he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was trying to tell you I'm coming!"

Whats the difference between a gay and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

How do you spot a gay man in a girls' changing room?
Well, it's not hard

A guy goes to the doctor "Doctor you gotta help me, my anus is killing me"
"ok, pull yer pants down and bend over, lets have a look"
The guy pulls his pants down, and bends over. Doc has a good look up the guy's old dirt highway.
"hmm, oh yes I know what the problem is, I'll give you this ointment, and I want you to apply
it up your ass twice a day. to make it easier, get your wife to do it for you,
all she has to do is apply some on her finger then stick it up there, I'll do the first application for you now"
So the guy's bent over and the doc applies a good dollop of ointment up the guys ass
and sends him on his merry way. Later that night, guy and his wife are getting ready for bed.
"Honey could you put some of this ointment up my ass please? it's really easy,
all you gotta do is put some on your finger and stick it up there, doc did the first application for me this morning"
so the guy bends over, so his misses can lube his ass up.
As she's greasing her hubby's bumhole, she asks: "honey, just out of curiosity, which finger did the doc use?"
At this point, the guy's face goes white as a sheet... "what's the matter hun?" enquires the wife worringly,
"I...I just remembered, the doc had both hands on my shoulders!"

A guy comes into a bar one day and says to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, i've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy comes into
the bar again and asks for the same drinks. When the bartender asks what the problem was today,
the guy says, "I've just found out my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy comes back into the bar yet again and orders another six double vodkas.
The barman says "JESUS! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah! Says the guy, "My wife..."

What's the most difficult thing about rollerblading?
Having to tell your dad you're gay.

Two gay men decide they want to have a baby, but they dont want to adopt because they want the
baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor
use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two gays are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery.
All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
"Wow," one of the gay men says, "our baby is the most well behaved one in here."
A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the dummy out of his arse."

Two gay guys are going hard at it when a fire breaks out in their apartment.
Which one gets out safely, the one giving it or the one getting it?
The one getting it. He already has his shit packed!

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

What did one gay sperm say to the other?
"How we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"

Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

Whats the definition of confused?
40 blind lesbians at a fish market.

How do you get a queer to have sex with a woman?
Shit in her cunt.

Did you hear about the gay cowboy?
He went into town and shot up the sheriff.

Q: What's the most popular pick up line at the gay bar?
A: May I push in your stool?

Why do gay guys wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud!

Did you hear about the two gay guys who had an argument in the bar?
They went outside to exchange blows.

2 condoms walking down the street and they see a gay bar, one says to the other
"let's go in there and get shitfaced!"

Two gay guys were getting frisky while in their shower and one of them didn't finish.
The phone rang and one of them had to get it. As he's getting out of the shower, he says to the other,
"Don't finish without me." The other agrees and waits in the shower.
Then when the first guy comes back he sees white stuff all over the walls of the shower.
"I thought I told you not to finish without me!"
"I didn't finish," says the other guy, "I farted."

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened
to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My partner loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My partner was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My partner was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a
pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

What do you call a gay guy's bollocks?
Mud flaps.

How can you tell if your best friend is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.

Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.

how can you tell when you're at a gay barbeque?
All the hot dogs tasted like shit!!

A man is driving along through a forest when he see's a naked man tied to a tree (facing the tree),
he stops and approaches the man. The naked man hears him coming and yells "Oh thank god!"
The driving man wants to know what happened before he unties him and the naked man tells his story
"I was driving along when suddenly I saw this naked woman tied to this tree,
I stopped and untied when suddenly these two muscle-bound men jumped me!
They took my money, my car and and even my clothes!"
The driving man says "oh dear, oh dear, its just not your day is it?" as he unbuckled his pants.

A gay man walks into the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this terrible pain in my stomach.
Is there anything you can do?" The doctor examines him and says, "Go home and eat a
red hot vindaloo everyday, and come back in a week." The gay goes home and does this.
The next week he goes into the doctors and say "Doctor, nothing has happened - I'm still in pain."
The doctor considers this and says "Hmm... well, make it 2 curries a day and come back in a week."
The next week the gay comes back and says to the doctor "Look - it's not doing anything!
Is there nothing else you can do?"So the doctor thinks for a bit and then says,
"Right, make it 3 curries a day and drink nothing but prune juce."
The gay goes home and does this and comes back the next week. He says
"Look doctor, I still have this pain - and now I'm just shitting all the time!"
And the doctor says, "Well, at least you know what your arse is for now."

A father walks into his gay son's room to find it covered in spunk.
"Have you been masturbating in here!" he screams with disgust.
"No dad I swear." says his son.
"I just farted before you came in."

Did you hear about the gay cannibal?
He blew lunch.

A gay bloke has answered an advert for a new mechanic at a local garage and is being
interviewed by the garage owner. The boss takes him to meet the other workers who ask him
what experience he has had. "20 years" says the old queen
"and if you stick a car key up my arse, I can tell you the make and model of the car it came from"
Somewhat bemused, one of the mechanics challenges the poof on this outrageous claim,
and decide to call his bluff. A random key is selected and poked up the gays arse..
Quick as a flash he says, " A Mark4 Ford Escort"
Amazed he is correct, they try again.. " A Honda Civic, 1.6, 2002 model"
Once again, he is spot on. A third mechanic tries another..."An Audi A6 2.8 Quattro, Metallic Grey,
1999 model, leather seats with faulty air conditioning and about 83000 miles on the clock.." he correctly answers..
Stunned, the garage boss grabs an old rusty spark plug from the bin and shoves it up the gays arse.
"oooohhh, that's Champion" comes the reply

Two queers are behind a pub carpark getting it on when a copper walks past and sees them.
He shouts "oi you two dirty fuckers come here" and both queers leg it.
He chases them over fences and fields for a mile or so before he loses them down
an alley behind a resturant. He walks down the alley and shouts "I know you two are down here,
if you don't come out now I am going to shove my truncheon so far up your arses you won't know
what day of the week it is" An effeminate voice whispers out from the alley "We're in the bin".

It's a vigorous night behind the bus station. Charles and Fred are having manic anal sex.
Fred shouts though, "God, god my stomach!"
Charles looks at the expression of pain on his face "What's the matter?"
Fred says "I think I'm having a baby."
Charles says "Don't be stupid, you're a man!"
Fred at this point is tearing, and doubled over. "I can feel it inside of me!"
Fred spasms, he drags his jeans to his ankles and a torrent of bloody shit flies from his arse.
He turns around and screams, "Oh shit, Charlie, look! Look! I can see the little arms and legs. Oh, god."
Charles walks over. "You nasty cunt. You shat on a frog."

Did you hear about the gay guy taking a piss....
He looked at the other guy to his right and saw a nicotine patch on his cock.
He asked "Does it work"?
"Yep," replied the guy, "I'm down to two butts a day."

A gay guy walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami.
'Would you like it sliced sir?' asked the shopkeeper politely.
'What do you think I am? A slot machine?'

How do you torture a queer?
Throw him into a bottomless pit.

Spammie and two male friends are driving down the road and they get pulled over by the police.
The cop walks up to them and tells them that they were speeding but he says
he'll let them go if they have 21 inches of penis-length between all three of them.
The cop takes each man to one side before strolling back over to the car.
"21 inches, right on the mark boys! You're free to go." he says before speeding away.
Spammie and his two friends return to their own car. As they're driving down the road again the first friend says to the others,
"You guys are lucky I had 10 inches." The second friend says to the other two,
"You're lucky I also have 8 inches."
Spammie turns and says to the other two, "You guys are just lucky I had a hard-on."

A gay man confesses to one of his friends that he's in love with his proctologist,
but has no idea how to tell the man. "Why not get him some flowers?"the friend says.
The gay man likes this idea, and makes an appointment for the next morning.
"Oh, doctor! I have a terrible pain in my ass, could you take a look?"
The doctor checks the man's ass, and is surprised to see a bunch of roses crammed in tightly.
He shouts "Good lord, man! There's a bouquet of roses up your ass!" The gay man says
"Never mind the flowers, read the fu cking card!"

What is the shortest recorded conversation between two queer cowboys?
"Yup?"
"Yup!"

What two words will clear a Gent's Toilet?

"Nice co ck!"

"Daddy daddy what's a transvestite?" "Shut up son and unhook my bra".

What a drag it is getting old......
When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the
corner and he was crying over his cocktail I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!'
He continued; 'He makes love to me every morning, and then he makes me pancakes, sausages,
fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'He makes me homemeade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then
he makes love to me for half the afternoon.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then
he makes love to me until 2AM' I said, 'Well, for GOODNESS SAKE! Why in the world are you crying!?'
And he said, 'I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!'

Daddy daddy, whats a homosexual? "Shut up son and keep sucking".

A truck driver stops off at a service station when he sees a very short man with a pointy hat and a wand.
He approached him and said "What do you do then?" The short man looked to his left then to his
right to see if the coast was clear. "I'm a fairy, mate." He replied to the truck driver. "Bullshit" said the
truck driver, "no really I'll giv' ya any wish that ya desire." The truck driver thought it couldn't hurt to
make a wish so he wished for a million quid. The fairy waved his wand and said his wish was granted
and his money was in his bank account. The truck driver said his thanks and was about to leave until
the fairy shouted to him before the truck driver could scarper. "'Ere mate you couldn't do something
for me could ya?" The track driver listened and the fairy said "Ya see I don't get much sex as a fairy."
"You want me to get you a woman?" said the truck driver, "Nah, mate I'm not straight, I'm gay." said the fairy.
The truck driver was smart enough to realise that the fairy wanted him so he said to go into the back of the truck.
The fairy removed his pointy hat and clothes and sported a massive erection, possibly 10 inches,
the truck driver was regretting this already as he slowly took off his trousers. The truck driver bent down
and waited for the fairy to insert his penis and he did. The truck driver was in absolute pain as there was
no lubricant and his sphincter was cracking due to the colossal sized fairy's penis. The fairy was thrusting
away as the truck driver was grunting in agony. Halfway through the fairy moved his head down to the
truck driver's ear and whispered something. "You're a bit old to be believing in fairies."

A guy is having no luck with the ladies, so he heads off to his local sex emporium. There he meets an
old mysterious man behind the counter, who gives him a knowing nod as he enters and peruses the shelves.
Finding nothing that he can see would help him get more pussy, he approaches the old man.
The old man asks his problem and he explains that he just cannot seem to get laid. The old man taps his nose...
"I have just the thing.." From under the counter he pulls a box and says "This is a pair of very rare
Magic Love Slippers. You just put your feet in these and you can screw any woman you like."
"Fuck off. No way" says the man.
"Try them."
The guy puts them on the floor and slips his feet into them. In a flash, his cock is hard and he
leaps over the counter and begins to fiercly fuck the old man right up the arse. The old man shrieks..
"You've got them on the wrong feet!"

How can you tell if a rabbit is gay?
It's always pulling hares out of it's bum.

A gay walks into a butchers and asks from a large Salami Sausage,
"Would you like that sliced sir?" asks the butcher
He replies "What do you think my arse is? A fucking money box!?"

Several gay men are sharing a hot-tub in a Californian resort.
Suddenly a blob of blood-stained semen surfaces amid the bubbles and one of them shouts
"OK, who's farted?"

Why do gays have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks

Did you hear about the gay Eskimo?
He kept sticking his arse out of the igloo window to see if he could get a chap on it.

What have Take That and two sexually active homosexuals got in common?
They are both fu cking shit!

Why are there so many ladyboys in Thailand?
Because they Bangkok

If I missed your favourite one, please feel free to add it!

wow u type alot

Actually, no I don't. I copied and pasted then all lmao.

Why did u post so many on here?

well, its better than some of the other crap on here and besides, I am gay so why not?

Yeah the gay part is pretty obvious.

At least I have a little more in my brainbox than you who has now sunk to the deepest etchalons of his existance and can only find one word to repeat continuously. SAD CU NT!

Hello to you, take care.

O__o it was all slowed down. I was like WOAH, but i couldnt stop it!

woah that was the funniest 30mins of my life lol

lmfao

I got a shock when I clicked on most comments and found one of mine among them lmfao. Thanks you guys.

wow, those "jokes" were just horrible.


ALL LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!



~~~inspired~~~

Do you think they are as horible as you are because I don't. Now kindly go phuck a scarecrow cuz thats about as good as it is gonna get for you!

I got no problems with love but I have with her taking up the gay cause because thats why the likes of me and sprinkles are here for. She is doing way more harm than good!

agreed... she's trivializing the issue.

haha I like the daddy longlegs one... inncocence my ass

No! I'm NOT "trivializing" the issue!

Yep, I am alot younger. But that dosn't make me a "nut"

no, it makes you a juvenile delinquent nut!

gretchin?

Questions Answered

How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow.

Why are electric trains like women's breasts?
They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"

How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?
Mace.

What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming, and coming, and coming..........

How did the Dairy Queen become pregnant?
Cause the Burger King forgot to cover his Whopper.

Why did man invent alcohol?
So ugly women could have sex too.

What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex you use the whole damn chicken.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blowjob!"

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
The frog says "ribbit, ribbit", and the horny toad says "rub-it, rub-it".

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

You're so stupid, your mother told you to go buy a color television and you asked, %u201CWhat color?%u201D

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.

Yo Mama is like a bus, she's big, she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!

Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl
from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of
your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10.''Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under
the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12.''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13.''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14.''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous''
newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your
neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

She's so blonde she spent an hour looking at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.
The doctor looks at it and says, %u201CI haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?%u201D The man says no.
The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, %u201CNothing.%u201D The doctor is really puzzled now and says, %u201CYou can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?%u201D
The man replies, %u201CHonestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.%u201D

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
%u201CFifty dollars for three questions, %u201D replied the lawyer.
%u201CIsn't that awfully steep?%u201D asked the man.
%u201CYes,%u201D the lawyer replied, %u201Cand what was your third question?%u201D

American in Mexico
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around,so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, 'Can I rent a donkey?' The guy said, 'We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop.'The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog.
The vendor replies,'We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners'
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says Will you hold my wiener while I scratch my ass?'

Roy the Rooster

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, 'You can have this rooster, His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud'. So the farmer takes him home and says,'it's your first day so take it slow, okay'?
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says,'Roy, did you have to die?'
Roy says,'Quiet!They're about to land!'

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
'Get over it, buddy,' he said. 'It's not the end of the world.
'It's all right for you to say,' answered his buddy, but what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?'
The fella ponders for a moment, then says,'I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.'

Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town.'How're thangs with y'all, Pete'? one asked. Not bad at all,'Pete replied.'My old woman ain't talkin' to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her.'

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds,'My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.'
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires 'Is that true?'
The husband replies 'Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me.'

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said,'I'm off. The man should be
here soon' Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, madam. I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,' Mrs. Smith cut in.
'Really?' the photographer asked.'Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies'.
'That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'
After a moment, she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me'
'Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results'
'My, that's a lot of.....' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure'
'Don't I know it,' Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London'
'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look'
'Four and five deep?' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
'Yes,' the photographer said, 'and for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?'
'That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work.'
'Tripod?????'
'Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, 'I want a man, I want a man.' Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans 'I want a bike, I want a bike.'

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. 'I would like to buy this TV,'she told the salesman.
'Sorry we don't sell to blondes,' he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, 'I would like to buy this TV.'
'Sorry we don't sell to blondes,' he replied.
'Darn, he recognized me,' she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days
before she again approached the salesman. 'I would like to buy this TV,'
she told the salesman.
'Sorry we don't sell to blondes,' he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, 'How do you know I'm a blonde?'
'Because that's a microwave,' he replied.

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN

'Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong.
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player
in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called 'Kennebunkport' who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him,
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for 'beaver wrestling' shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential Limousine.

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America'.

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, 'My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!'
'Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you,'replied the Prime Minister.
'I do need your help,' said Clinton. 'Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?'
'Certainment! I get right on it!'said Chretien.
'Oh, and one more small favour, please?' said Clinton.
'Oui?'
'Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?' said Clinton.
'No problem,' replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.
'I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica.'
'Consider it done,' said the President of Trojan.
'Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter.'
'Easily done. Anything else?'
'Yah,' said the Prime Minister, 'an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM
on each one.'

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded 'What took you so long?' and he replied 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.'

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says,'What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'The other missionary says,
'I just peed in the soup.'

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, 'There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.'
'No problem,' spoke the Rabbi. 'My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.' With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. 'What's wrong?' asked the farmer.
He replied, 'I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.'
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. 'What's wrong, now?' the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replies, 'I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!'
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.
Stick his bill up his ass.

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies. Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says,
"Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?
Gee, we really do taste like chicken.

Safest Way to Drive Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Why can't Santa have children?
He only comes once a year.
Even then it's down a chimney!

keep looking in, I add if and when I get the time. It's nice to get a feed back every now and then to :-) tyvm.

Question About Cows In Stress

At the Polish Agricultural university (P.A.U), the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked: "Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?"
The Professor answered, "Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn't fuck you afterwards, you'll look depressed too!"

The Colonel
A crusty old U. S. Air Force Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well that's the hang-up -- you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, Oh, I don't know, it's only 2130 now."

If Only
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother".


Joke: Pumpkin Lover

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

Newly Weds
About to be newlywed and still a virgin, a man asks his best of pals for help on the big night.
Since it would be foreseeably disasterous to merely lend advice, the men agree to have the friend stay in the next room of a suggested hotel.
"The walls are paper thin, we'll be able to talk when you come to the bathroom."
So the big night comes, and the men are ready.
First entering the room, the groom excuses himself, and heads for the bathroom.
"Hey, you there?"
"Yeah, now..."
During this time, the bride had to use the bathroom something awful, but wanted to leave her husband room to do whatever it was that was taking so long.
Beginning to pace, she waits.
" ... Now, just aim for the hole, and follow my advice, and everything should be fine. "
As they chatted more, the bride couldn't hold it any longer, and dragged out a shoe box.
Finally making her stomach feel better, she quickly shoves the shit box back under the flimsy bed, and awaits her husband who's just walking out of the bathroom, naked and ready.
Hoping to be romantically daring, he jumps on the bed, which causes it to collapse.
The shoe box explodes and he screams, "Oh shit!"
To which the pal in the bathroom next door yells, "Wrong hole!"

Polish Indian
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet You."

Three Couples Went Out Camping
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no. Why would I want you to do that?"


"Because that's my dick you're holding."

Woodpeckers
A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Naked Statue
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second,
"Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied,
"Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out,

"...Yeah, and cold, too!"

Unusual Finger
"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled.
Little Johnny doesn't go, he walks to the teachers desk and says,
"Teacher can I go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Johnny, "I'll tell my daddy."
teacher, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says,
"Well I'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."
"Can I take a shower with you?" he asks.
"NO!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy!!"
"Well, okay, I guess so."
So, they're in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can I turn off the lights?"
"No!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy."
"Well, okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can I stick my finger in your belly button?"
"NO!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy."
"Well, okay" says the teacher.

"JOHNNY!!!! That's not my belly-button!"

"Yeah? That's not my finger either."

Dirty Mind!
Read through and then see answers below:-
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:-
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course

Mypenis

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was 'Mypenis'?
Mypenis ate my homework.
Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
I love giving Mypenis a bath.
Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
Help! I can't find Mypenis!
Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

Life In The Country
A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone. After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move.
That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.
The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relived to finally have some company. Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking."
The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do some drinking."
The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting."
The man said, " that's OK too, and like to do a little fighting."
Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some sex."
The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?" The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?"
The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly,

it's her that suffers not me."

One day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he saw Antoinne coming down the road with a bag in his hand. "Hey, Antoinne! What do you have in the bag?" Pierre asked.
"I have cats in the bag," replied Antoinne.
"Why do you have cats in the bag?"
"I'm going to use them to catch the catfish."
"Antoinne! You don't use cats to catch catfish!"
"Wait and see, Pierre."
That evening, Pierre was sitting on his porch again and saw Antoinne coming back up the road with a bag. "Hey, Antoinne! What do you have in the bag?"
"I have catfish in the bag! I used the cats to catch them!"
The next day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he once again saw Antoinne coming down the road with a bag in his hand. "What do you have in your bag today, Antoinne?"
"I have rats in the bag!"
"What are you going to do with the rats?"
"I'm going to use them to catch the muskrat!"
"Antoinne! You can't use the rats to catch the muskrat!"
So later that evening, Pierre spotted Antoinne coming back up the road, dragging his bag behind him. "What is in the bag now, Antoinne?"
"I have the muskrat in the bag. I used the rats to catch him."
The third day, as Pierre was sitting on his porch, he saw Antoinne walking down the road with something in his hand. "What is that in your hand, Antoinne?"
"I have pussywillow!"

"WAIT! Antoinne, I'm coming with you!"

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says,
"Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:
"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex... you'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says,
"I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK...maybe I would have such sex with you..."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him: "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad:
"Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz... Now, I'll just address this... By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"


"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?

Snow White and the seven dwarfs go on holiday to Rome, the Pope gets to hear and being a big fan he asks the dwarfs to come and visit him in the Vatican. During the visit Dopey asks the Pope.
%u201CDo you have any dwarfs nuns in the Vatican?%u201D With this the other six dwarfs start laughing, %u201CNo my child,%u201D replies the Pope.
%u201CWell do you have any dwarf nuns in Italy?%u201D Dopey asks. The other six dwarfs are now in near hysterics.
%u201CNo my child, we do not,%u201D answers the Pope. Dopey then asks,
%u201CWell is there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?%u201D
%u201CNo my child,%u201D the Pope responds, %u201Cwe do not have any dwarf nuns anywhere within the church.%u201D

With this the other six dwarfs start chanting, %u201CDopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin.%u201D

argh, I hate when it does that. sorry, will re do that one, don't strugle with it.

Snow White and the seven dwarfs go on holiday to Rome, the Pope gets to hear and being a big fan he asks the dwarfs to come and visit him in the Vatican. During the visit Dopey asks the Pope.
'Do you have any dwarfs nuns in the Vatican?'
With this the other six dwarfs start laughing,'No my child,' replies the Pope.
'Well do you have any dwarf nuns in Italy?' Dopey asks. The other six dwarfs are now in near hysterics. 'No my child, we do not,'answers the Pope.
Dopey then asks, 'Well is there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?
'No my child,' the Pope responds, 'we do not have any dwarf nuns anywhere within the church.'

With this the other six dwarfs start chanting, 'Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin.'

Nearly, these are really good but I find myself wondering, are you bored nowadays?

In one word, YES, lol. Besides, I figured instead of helping the word association at the top of this list, I'd go for it myself. At least you know where to come to find me. (My jokes thats is).

A man says to his wife,
"I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies,
"No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies,
"I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still f*cking talking aren't you?"

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies,
"Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds,
"No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

A young Father has finally had enough of his son's wetting his pants, and takes him aside.
"Son", said the Father, "You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!"
The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the "proper" method.
"Okay, son, this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!"
The Father watches his son every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the son going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his son, and decides to peek at him while he is "doing his thing" to see how well his instructions are being followed.

The next time the son heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his son:


Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five..."

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced
"The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply.
Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said:
"In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied:
"Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, totally naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked,
"Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
The driver replied,
"Well, ma'am, I can't help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?"
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
"Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,
"Got anything smaller?"

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said,
"I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.
You've been on overtime almost a year,
And since you are gone, till way late at night
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Husband, Dear Husband, Please don't be a fool,
Working this overtime is wasting your tool.
For better it is, to be poor all your life,
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're no where to be seen
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're on O.T., we'll proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
For which there is no pardon, and never has been,
And that is a man who's so foolish and mean,
That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.

Dear father, dear father, I've come to confess,
I've left a young maid in a hell of a mess,
Her dress is all torn and her tits are all bare,
And theres something inside her that shouldn't be there.

Oh son, Oh son, when I was young,
We used a thing called a French Letter.
Dear father dear father, you do me unjust,
I used one of them but the fucking thing bust!

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.
They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"
When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells:
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Q: Why is sex like snow?

A: You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked,
"What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied,
"A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says,
"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,
"What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said,
"Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1) you have a dirty mind,

2) you didn't read your homework, and

3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
"Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches. That fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more...
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be only half paying attention to his replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet." she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is." he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch.

"It's called 'Good News'."

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.
They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments,
"Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies,
"No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.

Top ten answers I always wanted to give to women but never have (and had to keep on dealing with an acute sense of repression of my true nature):
.1. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
.2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all the pizzas and chocolate you eat that make you actually fat.
.3. Of course I'll call you. When I need to have sex again.
.4. No, I wont be gentle.
.5. Of course you have to swallow.
.6. Well yes, actually, I do this all the time.
.7. After breaking wind) No, I don't like stupid friends.
.8. No, you will never see me again after tonight.
.9. No, I don't care about your feelings.
10. Foreplay? I don't even know how to spell the word.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked,
"Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceded on home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out,
"Lord, I have a problem."
And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?"
"I know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely-and I'm sick of eating apples."
"Well, in that case, " replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?"
"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals and, not bad in the sack."
"Sounds great!" replied Eve.
"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man! (If you're a woman that is!)

14 WAYS TO DRIVE A WOMAN CRAZY!
.1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
.2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
.3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
.4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
.5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
.6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
.7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
.8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
.9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

Labor Pains
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.
The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says,
"I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this."
So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her,
"Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.
A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.

The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

A little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy,you and daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night."
The mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Southern Living
When You Live In The DEEP South :

* You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
* You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
* You burn your yard rather than mow it.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
* You come back from the dump with more than you took.
* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
* You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
* You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
* You have a rag for a gas cap.
* You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
* Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements.

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer,
"Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

A woman was visiting her husband in prison.
"Why hasn't your mom bothered to visit me?" he asked.
She turns to him and replies, "Because she is too busy spending the reward money!"

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."
"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

"Exactly."

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr.Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively,
"So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,

"Try doing your work with the engine running."

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up; just watching all the bubbles.
A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied
"Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle."

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Mrs. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to him,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's results. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mr. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"


"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks,
"So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"

She says, "Your name didn't come up."

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.
"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"

We ALL need someone who Understands!

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow.
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said,
"You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said,
"You must be quite a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."

lol

A new slant on an old one. I heard this one many years ago but it involved a sailor rather than a Greek! lmao.

RAINBOW TEARS
God puts rainbows in my tears,
Washes away those hidden fears,
Yellow, orange, green and blue,
Gives my world a heavenly hue.

Rainbow tears refract His light,
Remind me I am precious in His sight,
No tear I drop will ever fall,
His gentle hand holds them all.

Each and every tear I cry,
Brings His promise to my eye,
Happy tears, sad tears,
I know that He hears my Rainbow tears.

So yesterday I was traveling down the interstate to visit family and I needed to use the restroom (#2) really bad, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying 'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed 'Doin' just fine!' So the other guy says 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? By this point, I'm thinking it's pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I reply 'Uhhh I'm probably like you, just traveling?'
At this point I'm wanting to get the hell outta there as fast as I can when dude asks another question... 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'Nah man, I'm a little busy right now!'
Right then, dead silence... then I hear the person say (kinda nervously)
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions'.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500.
They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment %u201CRENT FOR APARTMENT.%u201D
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

%u201CDear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.%u201D

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :

%u201CDear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.%u201D

As awkward as it was to share a train carriage with a male stranger, one woman decided to not
let it bother her. On the first night both the woman and man settled down for bed. After about
an hour had passed the woman felt terribly cold and leaned over the top bunk and said to the man:
'I'm awfully cold, would you please go and get me another blanket?'
The man replied 'let's just pretend like we're married for this one night.'
The woman thought for a moment and then decided that no harm could be done so she giggled and agreed. To which the man smiled and then replied
'Well then, go get your own damn blanket!'

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some
cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says,
'Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play.'
Johnny whimpers and says, 'There's no one to play with.'
Trying to placate him, she says, 'OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?'
He says, 'I wanna play Mommies and Daddies!'
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, 'Fine, I'll play. What do I do?'
Johnny says,'You go up to the bedroom and lie down.'
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says,
'What do I do now?'
In a gruff manner, Johnny says,
'Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!'

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
Little Johnny raises his hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' he volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.
'Well,' he began,'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was!' said Johnny.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act. Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, 'Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?'
Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out,'Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!'

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
'Tell me Janice, who created the universe?%u201D
When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Janice and the teacher said, 'Very good' and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice,
'Who is our Lord and Saviour.' But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
'Jesus Christ!' shouted Janice and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick me with that thing one more time,
I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!'



... the teacher fainted!

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiouysly loud farts. His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said,
'I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm proud of it.'
The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,
'If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?'
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little
speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.
'No wonder you won!' he exclaimed indignantly,
'you've got a Double-Barrel!'

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
'If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.'
'It's in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?
'Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.'
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
'Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them' said the lawyer.
'But, I did send them' said the defendant.
'What? You did?'said the lawyer, incredulously.
'Yes. That's how we won the case.'
'I don't understand,' said the lawyer.

'It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:
'What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?'
The lawyer thought for a moment and replied,
'Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.'
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true. Saint Peter said,
'Well, that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven.'
The lawyer quickly retaliated,'Wait, Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter.'
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified. Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel,
'Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?' Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

'Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.'

Three women died and met up at the pearly gates. They were greated by St Peter who asks the first woman
'What did you do with your life?'
She answered, 'I was a housewife who had 7 children all of whom I raised in the Lords name'
'Very good,' said St Peter, 'take a harp and go to cloud 3.'
Turning to the second woman, he asks, 'What did you do with your life?'
She responded, 'I was a Nun. I spent all my adult life fore going bodily pleasures in my efforts to serve My Lord, Jesus Christ,' says she.
'Excellent', said St Peter, 'Take a harp and off you go to cloud 5.'
To the third woman he repeated his question and got this response.
'I was a woman of ill repute. I sold my body for money on a daily basis. I never went to church nor preyed.'
'O.K. Off you go to cloud 7.'
'Oh, Don't I get a harp?' she asks.


'No', came the sharp retort, 'I'll be along in a minute with a HORN!'

A local Goodwill office realized that their organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The manager in charge of financial contributions telephoned the lawyer in an attempt to persuade him to contribute.
'Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?'
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, 'Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?' Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, 'Um... no sir but...'
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, 'or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?'
The embarassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again.
'Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,' the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, 'leaving her penniless with three children?'
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, 'I had no idea... I'm sor...' On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,


'So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?'

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night,
she told her new husband, '
Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.'
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'Well...

'Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'
'Good,' said the new husband, 'But... why?'


You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!'

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.

Deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign'
Lawyer says,'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Deputy: 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.'
Lawyer: 'What's the difference?'
Deputy: 'The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.'
Deputy says, 'Exit your vehicle, sir.'

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says:

'Do you want me to stop or just slow down?'

Wal-Mart announced today that they'll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but
'there is strong market demand for cheap wine,' said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart's marketing division. 'However,' she added
'Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart
house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:
Chateau Traileur Parc
White Trashfindel
Peanut Noir
I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
Grape Expectations
Nasti Spumante
Big Red Gulp
World Championship Riesling
NASCARbernet
Chef Boyardeaux

Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle.
If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart's self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next never.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recently announced that,
for the past three years, they jointly funded a project with two major US auto makers,
Ford and Chevrolet, whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in all four wheel drive
pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the
last 10 seconds before a crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers
in 63 percent of fatal crashes were,
'Oh, Shit!'
Only the states of Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Tennessee
were different - where over 89 percent of final words were:

'Hey ya'll, hold my beer and watch this!'

The Country and Western Billboard recently published their list of the top 25 songs of all time. Deciding amongst all the great 'cryin and whinin' songs was tough, but they were up to the task. It's amazing they were able to make a decision amongst all these wonderful songs...

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer(There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
.9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
.8. Please Bypass This Heart.
.7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
.6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
.5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
.4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
.3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
.2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...


.1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first
time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, What's 'at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son,


'Boy, go git yo Momma...'

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily
beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
'Well,' the Redneck replied, 'they're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don't you look 'em over and pick the one you want?'
The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a wee bit - not that you can hardly notice - pigeon-toed.'
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
'Well,' the man replied, 'she's just a wee bit - not that you can hardly tell - crosseyed.'
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
'She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry.'
The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first babywas born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the Redneck, 'she was just a wee bit - not that you could hardly tell


-pregnant when you met her.'

This just in, hot off the presses. After a lengthy court battle and millions of dollars
spent lobbying, the Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in
the United States capital next Christmas season.

Contrary to popular belief, this isn't for any religious reason. Congress simply has not
been able to find three wise men and a virgin at the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

An atheist is walking through the woods one day when all of a sudden a huge bear runs out to attack him. The atheist runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls to the ground. As he turns over the bear is standing on top of him, paws stretched wide ready to maul him.
'Oh God' screams the atheist.
Suddenly time stands still, the bear freezes in the attack position and a voice out of heaven says:
'Yes, you called?'
'Oh' says the atheist 'you really do exist! Can you make this bear go away?'
'Why should I?' says God. 'You've been denying my existence all your life'
'Fair point' says the atheist. 'Ok, how about this. Can you turn the bear into a Christian instead?'
'Ok' says God and time resumes once more. The bear stops in attack, bows his head meekly and says:

'Dear God. Thank you for what I am about to receive...'

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read:
'Two Prostitutes - $50.00.'
A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the
ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail. Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read:
'Jesus Saves.'
'How come you don't stop them?' asked one of the girls.
'Well, that's a little different,'the officer replied... 'their sign pertains to religion.'
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

'Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.'

A lady approaches her priest and tells him:
'Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
'They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'
'That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.'
'Thank you!'the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
'Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,

'Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!'

A man walked into the ladies department of a Belk's Depaortment store. He reluctantly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquired the man. 'There is more than one type?'
'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bra's in every shape, size color and material.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the sales clerk.
Confused, the man asked, 'Only three? What are they?'
The sales lady replied 'The Catholic type,
the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'
Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'
The lady responded 'It is quite simple:

The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'

A few stupid jokes.......

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
'I am the strongest, most powerful man here,' he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, John had had enough.
'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're on old man,' the braggart replied. 'It's a bet! Let's see what you got.' John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said:

'All right. Get in.'

(name withheld)
Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance.
ATTN: Claims Review,
1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016.

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put 'Stupidity.' I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint.I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 %u201DOn-the-Spot%u201D news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in.
(Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall
several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely,

(name withheld)

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign~

The %u201CStella Awards%u201D are named after the 81-year-old woman, Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and success-fully sued McDonald's in New Mexico for 2.9 million dollars. Ever since, the name %u201CStella Award%u201D has been applied to any wild, outrageous, or ridiculous lawsuits - including bogus cases! Here are this year's winners...

7th Place - Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle when she tripped over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place - Nineteen-year- old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place - Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of
dry dog food. He sued the home owners' insurance company, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. (In my opinion, this is SO outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place.)

4th Place - Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owners' fenced yard. The award was less than originally sought, because the jury felt that the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place - A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania,$113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tail bone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place - Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.



1st Place

(drum roll, please)

- This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand-new, 32-foot-long Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game - having driven onto the freeway - she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do that.
The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed its manuals on the basis of this law suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
'I can't do that, officer.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.'
'Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.'
'Can't do that either, officer.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.'
'Alright, we could get a blood sample.'
'Can't do that either, officer.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.'
'Fine then, just walk this white line'
'Can't do that either, officer.'
'Why not?'



'Because I'm drunk.'

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.So, he said to his new wife:
'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
'Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those
hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
'But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...'

'LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?'




...and they lived happily ever after. (or did they...)

A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said,
'Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.' The bartender said,
'No problem sir, but I'll need to see some money first.'
The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing.
'Where did you get all that money?' asked the bartender. 'I'm a professional gambler.' replied the man.
The bartender said, 'There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?'
'Well, I only bet on sure things' said the guy.

'Like what?' asked the bartender. 'Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.'
The bartender thought about it. 'OK.'
So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.
'Aw, you screwed me,' said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. 'I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye,' said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, 'Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet.'
So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.
'Aw, you screwed me again.'
'That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100, said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, 'Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.'
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one.
'OK, you're on.' The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing
all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said,
'Hey pal, you owe me $500!'


The guy climbed down off the bar and said,
'That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!'

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,
'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says again, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states yet again, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs.'
The bear says,'I'm not on drugs.'
The bartender says,

'You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate.'

Dear Alcohol,
First let me say that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays
(hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
Phone calls and text messages:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili
sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance,
I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance
for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever), the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan.

More blonde jokes......

A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman from the third row stands on her chair and screams:
'I've had just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?'
'What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?'
she goes on to say... 'It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor.'
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde screams again,

'You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!'

Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.
Once at the farm all three girls girls climbed into a potato sack. The cops came to the potato farm, looked around, but saw no sign of the girls. The sheriff started kicking potato sacks to see if maybe they were hiding.

The sheriff kicked the bag with the red head in it and she yelped 'Bark Bark,' so they thought it was a dog.

He kicked another sack, this one with the brunette in it, and she said 'Meow Meow' so they thought it was a cat.

Finally, just as the sheriff was about to give up - he kicked one last bag, with the blonde inside, and heard :


'POTATO!'

A FEW BLONDE JOKES FOLLOW

There once was a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they were stranded in the desert and there car broke down and they all decided to take one item with them so the brunette took her cell phone just incase she got a signal some where she could call for help, the red head took her canteen of water, the blonde took the car door after walking for 3 hours the blonde said, 'Oh yea I forgot, I carried this door the whole time and forgot to roll down the window no wonder I feel so hot!'

A Blonde was driving down the road, and spotted another Blonde in the middle of a hayfield rowing a boat. She stopped the car, got out and went to the shoulder of the road, and yelled, 'You know, it's blondes like
you that give blondes a bad name!, and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass!'

A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.
'If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me $5. The same goes if you ask me something I don't know.'
The blonde refused.
'Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don't know an answer, I pay you $50.'
The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.
'What is the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The blonde didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.
'What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?'
The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill.
'So, what is it?'
The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a $5 bill to the lawyer.

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began,

'It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ...'
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said,

'Mama ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.'

Why does a blonde's coffin need to be extra wide?
Because when you put them on their back they spread their legs.

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner dates.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk aboutleaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave
early also, she exclaims,
'NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught.'

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, 'I'll get off.'
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started......Clapping.

A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.

The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head. Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to Shoot.

The blonde replies 'Shut up stupid! You're next!'

The blonde was broke and desperate. She knocked on the door of a doctor's house and said she needed money and would be willing to work for it. The doctor asked if she would be willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do it.
The blonde said that would be fine.
The doctor's wife said the blonde must be really dumb to do such a big job for only $50. 'Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?' the wife asked.
'I guess so,' the doctor told his wife.
A few minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door.

'All done,' she said, 'and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari.'

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says: 'Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it.'
Her friend asks 'What is it a puzzle of?'
The blonde says 'From the picture on the box, it's a Tiger.'
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, and then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: 'First, no matter what I do,I'm not going to be
able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogg's Frosted Flakes back in the box.'

Why did the blonde date hunters?
Because she heard they go deep into the bush, always Shoot twice,
love to mount their prey and always eat what they shoot.

lmao.

Now a few satirical digs at clinton!

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!

Why is Bill Clinton not circumcised?
It would involve throwing away the best part.

Why did a Bill Clinton send an unsigned check for a hundred dollars to a charity?

He wanted to make an anonymous contribution.

Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.

Who was the biggest corporate contributor to Clinton's campaign?

Snap-On Tools, Inc.

Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?


Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

How many people work in civil service under Bill?


Maybe one in ten.

Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?

It was Secretaries' Day and he was too tight to buy his a present!

Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?


She looks like her dad Janet Reno.

Why did Bill Clinton fire Joyce Elders?

Because he failed her masturbation course!

Did you know Bill Clinton has AIDS?

What do you expect when you screw everyone in the country?

What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?

To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?

One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken that smoked pot.

How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?

One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?

Clinton is dead from the neck UP...

Where are the two biggest airbags located?

The White House.

And now for something completely different NOT.

A few bar jokes.

A man and his wife are driving down the highway having a fight over the husband sleeping with another woman. The wife takes out a knife and cuts of the mans penis and throws it out the window. The penis splats onto the windshield of the car that is following and rolls off. The 14 year old girl riding with her dad says:
'What was that Dad?'
The father says:
'It was just a bug honey.'
The daughter replies:
'Wow Dad, that bug sure had a big dick.'

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says:
'Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
'By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.'
'So,' says the second drunk, 'What's your point?"
'Well,' says the first, 'I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!'

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, 'It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you.'
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says: 'I guess I should buy you a drink too.'
The 80 year-old woman says, 'Alright. Bartender I'll have a scotch and two drops
of water please.'
'Alright,' says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says:
'Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too.'
The old woman says: 'Alright, bartender I'll have a scotch and two drops of water please.'
'Comin' right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says: 'Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?'
The woman replies:
'Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!'

'My god! What happened to you?' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
'I got in a tiff with Riley.'
'Riley? He's just a wee fellow,' the barkeep said, surprised. 'He must have had something in his hand.'
'Aye, that he did,' Kelly said. 'A shovel it was.'
'Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?'
'Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit.' Kelly said. 'And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!'

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say:
'Nice tie.'
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said:
'Beautiful shirt.'
At this, the man called the bartender over.
'Hey, I must be losing my mind,'he told the bartender. 'I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.'
'It's the peanuts,' answered the bartender.
'Say what?' replied the man in disbelief.
'You heard me,' said the barkeep. 'It's the peanuts... they're complimentary.'

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks:
'Have you been drinking, sir?'
'Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?'
'No,' replied, the policeman, 'You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.'

A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over.
He says,
'You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!!'

A drunk is taking a leak right on the street.
A policeman says to him:
'You could have done it around the corner!'
'My dick is not a phuckin fire hose, you know?'

An international competition for the title of the manliest man comprised three tests. Every participant must:

1. Drink in one gulp a bottle of vodka;

2. Walk into a cage and shake hands with a female bear, and
3. to make love to a woman from a remote Siberian village who never in her life took a bath.

A Frenchman drank all of the vodka, and dropped dead.

An Englishman drank vodka, then walked into the cage, and dropped dead when he saw the female bear.

A Russian drank vodka, and walked into the cage. There was a noisy commotion, and then the Russian walked out of the cage, buttoning his pants, and asked,
'Where is the woman to shake her hand?'

What do you do if beer interferes with your job?

Answer: Get off the job.

A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs. Half way up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That
wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt. He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress. Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as
best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed. When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story. Just then, his wife entered the room and said,
"Well, it looks like you really tied one on last night. Where were you?'
'I worked late, dear,' he replied, meekly, 'and went out for a couple of beer.'
'A couple of beer? That's a good one,' she snapped. 'You got plastered! Where did you go?'
'What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?' he asked.
'Well,' she replied, 'my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all the band-aids stuck to the mirror......'

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of hispants.
'Hey,' he says, 'What's with the steering wheel down your pants?'
'Ach,' says the Irish man, 'it's drivin' me nuts!'

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. one is crying. The other asks what's wrong. The crying drunk says:
'I've puked all over myself again and my wife's gonna kill me. What do I do pal?'
The one drunk offers this advice:
'Explain to your wife that some other drunk
puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned.'
'Sound like a great idea,' says the crying drunk. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says,
'Look for you, there's ten bucks in my pocket.'
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.
'Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you,' says the wife.
'He did,' say the drunk, 'but he shat in my pants too!'

Through The Fire And The Flames Lyrics
By: Dragonforce




On a cold winter morning, in the time before the light
In flames of death's eternal reign we ride towards the fight
And the darkness is falling down and the times are tough all right
The sound of evil laughter falls around the world tonight

Fighting high, fighting on for the steel
Through the wastelands evermore
The scattered souls will feel the hell that is wasted on the shores

On the blackest waves in history
We watch them as they go
Through fire, pain and once again we know

So now we fly ever free
We're free before the thunderstorm
On towards the wilderness our quest carries on
Far beyond the sundown, far beyond the moonlight
Deep inside our hearts and all our souls

[Chorus]
So far away we wait for the day
For the lights are so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on

As the red day is dawning
And the lightning cracks the sky
They raise their hands to the heavens above
As we send them to their lies
Running back through the mid-morning light
There's a burning in my heart
We're banished from the time in the fallen land
To a light beyond the stars

In the blackest dreams we do believe
Our destiny this time
And endlessly we'll all be free tonight

And on the wings of a dream
So far beyond reality
All alone in desperation
Now the time is gone

Lost inside you'll never find
Lost within my own mind
Day after day this misery must go on

[Chorus]

Now here we stand with their blood on our hands
We've fought so hard now can we understand?
I'll break the seal of this curse if I possibly can
For freedom of every man

[Chorus]

This is a jokes link, not a somgs link muppet.

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him:
'You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?'
'You could say that,' the guy replied.
'It usually doesn't work, you know.'
'No shyte,' the man moaned, I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!'

Two drunks were in a bar feeling angry.

Then Angry got mad and walked out.

Afew sex jokes!

Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing. Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up and says:
'what the hell was that?' the Invisableman replies:
'I don't know but my ass sure hurts'

A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is undone. The woman kindly says
'Excuse me sir, but your barracks doors are open.'
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper. He decides to play into the other unusual comment.
'Excuse me ma'am, when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?' The woman responded by saying:
'No, all I saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle bags'

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam.
After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
'You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?'
There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
'Who is this?'

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. 'What size?' asks the clerk?
'Gee, I don't know.'
'Go see Sophie in aisle 4.'
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells:
'Medium'
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells:
'Large'
The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
'What size?'
The kid embarrassedly says:
'I've never done this before. I don't know what size.'
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells:
'Clean up in aisle 4!'

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says:
'At last they're finally together.'
A guy sitting in the front row says:
'Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her second husband?'
'I mean her legs!'

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?


'Now I know why you named your company Microsoft.'

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.
'Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?'
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says:
'I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.'
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.
'Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?'
'Don't tell your father, but yes, I would.'
He then goes to his sister's room.
'Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?'
She replies:
'O my god! Definitely.'
The kid goes back to his father.
'Dad, I think I've figured it out.Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.'

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man,
'Ah, sir that particular fur goes for $65,000.'
'No problem! I'll write you a check.'
'Very good, sir,' says the shop owner.
Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared.' So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged:
'How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account.'
'I just had to come by,' grinned Sam, 'to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life.'

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says,
'Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget.'
They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says:
'Honey, that was *wonderful,* the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and
says:
Honey, come on. How about one more time?'
'That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning.'

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said:
'I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.'
The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said:
'Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.'
She replied:
'I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.'
The cowboy said: 'Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.'
She said: 'You tell him. He is the one shaving you.'

A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said:
'I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there.'
A second exclaimed:
'I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there.'
The last germ said:
'I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm goanna be on it.'

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.
To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says:
'I see she caught you at it, too.'

Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he's driving a car; an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing. Willy replies:
'I'm going to Chicago for the weekend.'
The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He catches Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies:
'I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago.'

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that
she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her
work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor:
'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'

'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said:
'I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute, and off she went.
Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky 'egg'lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.

He replied, 'The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon.'

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
'Who is it?' calls one of the nuns.
'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug,and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

'Nice Gazonas,' says the man, 'where do you want these blinds?'

So, now I give you some sports jokes.

Football definitions!

Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one 'impartial' referee, two
eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.

Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around

Fans: Two sets of abusive referees

Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are
drawn towards.

Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of
any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers

Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal when he is fed a bad ball

Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty area

Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.

Four women were out on the golf course, when one pointed out a white blur approaching from a distance.. As it grew closer, they could see it was a streaker drawing near.. As the nude guy ran past the women one said:
'My golly, which is that? Was that Dick Green?'
Another answered:
'I don't think so. I think it was just the reflection.'

A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach said:
'You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand.'
'That's right, Coach,' replied the lineman, 'but she's much better.'

A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff.
'What we're really looking for here,' said the chairman, 'is what you might call a "chief worrier! Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be prepared to pay £75,000 a year. Interested?'
'Certainly,' said the applicant.
'But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield
Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?'
'Ah!' said the chairman. 'That would be your first worry.'

Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs'
game played by gentlemen;
soccer - a gentleman's game played by thugs; and Gaelic football - a thugs' game played by thugs!

`I don't care about results!' said an Irish team manager being interviewed on television. 'Just so long as our team wins!'

Paddy: 'I couldn't get to the match last Saturday. What was the score?'
Mick: 'Nil-nil.'
Paddy: `What was it at half-time?'

The manager and coach of an Irish team were discussing the players they had on their books and the manager asked,
'How many goals has O'Halloran scored this season?'
'Exactly double what he scored last season,' replied the coach.

`Eleven.'

`I just don't understand it,' an Irish footballer complained.
`One match I play very well, and then the next match I'm terrible.'

'Well,' said his wife, `why don't you just play every other match?'

'Dad, dad,'cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. 'I think I've been selected for the school football team.'
'That's good,'said his father, 'But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?'
'Well,' replied Philip, 'it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw back.'

When I was a young boy, all the other kids insisted that I was in the football team. They said I was vital to the game.

They couldn't possibly play without me.

They needed me.

I was the only one with a football.

A small boy was crying his eyes out at a football match. Seeing his plight, a policeman came up to him and asked what the problem was.
'I've lost my dad,' cried the boy.
'What's he like?' asked the policeman.
'Beer, fags and women,' said the boy.

There are two Bosnians playing for West Ham in an important league match. The ball comes spinning towards them but the captain, who's also well placed to receive the pass, shouts,
'Mine!'

and both players hit the ground.

I am an Irish muppet. Yaya

lmfao. wtg

Do you know how to confuse an Irishman?

Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick!

Good job. Saves me pasting it here :)

I took the wife out last night...one punch!!
complements of spammie

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on her forehead.

thanks spammie

A man walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some birth control pills for his daughter. The assistant asks the man,

"Is your daughter sexually active?"

The man replies, "No, she just lies there like her mother."

thanks spammie.

ok, heres a whole string of blonde jokes for ya.....

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their Cows to increase
their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and Goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old Cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's
the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to The local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a Telegram to my friend in Louisiana. That says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the Trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. is
$.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides.
"I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm Sorry miss, but how is your friend going to understand this Telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads real slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
1st blonde "That's easy, we'll catch him fast, because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5
seconds at the 2nd blonde and asks her,"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
2nd blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing,because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best Answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the 3rd blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "
". . . Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hamm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the Suspect file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of %u201Cyes/no%u201D type questions? She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at The question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and Started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes For Heads and No
for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating
it out. During the last few minutes, she was seen desperatelyThrowing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."

There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the Blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with
these blonde Jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last Night and did something probably none of you could do ... I memorized all the state capitals. "One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says, "oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Wow, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her Psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, Too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full,
satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says, "Well,Go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a Diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping.

A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the Mailman to make his rounds. A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting
for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have Mail."

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, They called the brunette in and asked her a question.
'If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want? To go to and why?'
After pondering the question she answered, 'I would like to go to Mars, because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.'
They said 'well okay, thank you.' And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her same question. In reply, 'I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.'
Again, 'thank you' and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, 'I would like to go to the Sun.'
The people from NASA replied, 'Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?'
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. 'Are you Guys dumb? I'd go at night!'

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first Blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail. The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffy, 'I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you Understand the plan?"
'Perfectly," replied Buffy.
Buffy went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway car. One minute passed...
three minutes pass...seven minutes pass... and Judy was really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffy. She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, 'You are such a Blonde! I thought
you understood the plan!' Buffy said, 'I did. I did exactly what you said!'
'No, you idiot!' snapped Judy. 'You got it all mixed up. I said, tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!'

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles her in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm
sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely,'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'
The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm Blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?'
The captain grinned slyly and said,

'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'

The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a complaint of pains all over her body.
'Be more precise,' he said. 'So I can help you, try pointing to some of the places that hurt.'
The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, 'Ouch!' then her finger to her hip and said, 'Ouch!' and then to her rib cage and said, 'Ouch!' again.
The doctor stopped her and asked, 'Were you a blonde before your hair grayed?'
'Why yes!' she said excitedly, 'But how did you know?'
The Doc answered, 'Your fingers broken.'

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, 'T-G-I-F.'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.' She looked at him, Puzzled, and said 'T-G-I-F' again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.' The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a Quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.' The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, 'T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness it's Friday, get it?' The man answered,'S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, its Thursday.'

Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying. If you were, ZAP! It would suck you in and you were gone forever. One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old
lady looked in it and said,
'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.'
ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.
The brunette looked in and said,
'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
' ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too, disappeared.
The blonde looked in and said,
'I think. . .'
ZAP!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said,
'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

'Damn it, this One isn't wearing any shoes either!'

One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop dead Blonde the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding Mama.....could I see
your driver's license...? "...Whats a License...?%u201D replied the blonde. Instantly
giving away the fact that she was as a stump. It's usually in your wallet...
Replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes the driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration!!! Asked the cop. Registration....whets that...? Asked the Blonde. It's usually in your glove compartment said the cop impatiently after some more fumbling she found the registration. Ill be back in a minute... the cop said and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the
dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments the dispatcher came back. Mum is this woman driving a red sports car.
Yes....Replied the officer. Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? Asked the dispatcher. Uh...Yes
Replied the cop. Hers what you do.....said the dispatcher. Give her stuff back and drop your pants.
WHAT!!!?Icant do that. It's ........inappropriate. Exclaimed
The cop. Trust me....Just does it. Said the dispatcher. So the Cop goes back to the car gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs.....

Oh no......not ANOTHER breathalyzer...

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.
Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a Cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and
starts cheering with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster Puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??"
"Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

There were two blondes, and they had just come from a store. The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second.
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the tops down!"

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the Assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been
buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more. The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde Pollock
and says, "One moment please, I will get the chemist."
The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the Blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the Chemist who looks at it and says to the her, "This is just a normal stick of
under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out Loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order,could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

A blonde, a red head and a brunette board a double-decker bus to go to London. There are two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss. A couple of hours later it's the red head's turn so she Walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's wrong?" the red head asks. "We're having' a grand old time down below."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a Driver."

Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?
Because their balls hang out!

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet. The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second. An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.

What did the father say to his blonde daughter?
''If you're not in bed by 11, come home.''

Why did the blond take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. So she went to the coke machine and put her money in, and a coke came out so she kept putting money in it, and since it was a hot day a line had formed behind her. Finally the man behind her said, ''Will you hurry up we're all hot and
thirsty!" And the blonde turned around and said, ''No way. I'm still winning."

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. %u201CHow did this happen?%u201D the doctor asked. %u201CWell I was trying to commit suicide,%u201D the blonde replied. %u201CTrying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?%u201D %u201CNo silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, 'I just paid
$6,000 for these,' then I put it in my mouth and I thought, 'I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.' So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, 'this is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.%u201D

A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. 'That will be $1.08, please' says the clerk. 'What's the eight cents for?' asks the blonde. 'It says one dollar right here on the packaging.'
'Tax,' replies the clerk.
'Gee,' says the blonde, 'thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!'

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager,
'I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door.'
Why sure,' said the manager, 'we have
something that works especially for that.' A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice.
'No, no, a little to the left,' said the other blonde inside the car.

A family gets stranded in the middle of nowhere when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest farm and ask to use their phone to call a tow truck. The nice old lady says sure and even asks them to stay for dinner with one condition... that no one mentions the fact that her son has no ears because he is
very sensitive. So before dinner the mother reminds the eldest daughter, who happens to be blonde, of her sons sensitivity to his condition. The blonde says:
'no problem I can talk about a lot of things.' In the middle of dinner the family takes turns asking the boy questions about his life on the farm. The blond asks,
'Do you have good vision in both eyes?' The boys say yes, why?
The blonde replies: 'Because it would be hard to wear glasses with no ears.'

She is so blonde that, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
%u201CAirport Left,%u201D she turned around and went back home.

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
'You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.'

A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady walks in and orders an Iced Cappuccino.

'Do you want it hot or cold?'

A blonde walks into the library and says to the librarian, 'Can I have a burger and fries?'

'Sorry, this is a library.'

So the blonde whispers, 'Oh, may I have a burger and fries?'

Two blondes are walking down the road when one say
'Look at that dog with one eye.'
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says
'Where?'

Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch?
Her blinker was on.

How many minutes does it take a blonde to screw in a light bulb?
She doesn't know, she's used to screwing other things.

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column:
SALARY EXPECTED.
'Yes.'

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears:
'Breathe in, Breathe out, breathe in, Breathe out.'

What do turtles and blondes have in common?
If they're on their back, they're screwed.

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
'235,000 miles.' Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car
since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, 'Why would I sell the
car? There are only 40,000 miles on it.'

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She threw away all the 'Wow's.'

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist:
'I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.'
Psychiatrist:
'Don't you have a phone in your car?'
Blonde: 'That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.'
Psychiatrist: 'Uh ... How's that working?'
Blonde: 'Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet.'
Psychiatrist: 'And why do you think that is?'
Blonde: 'I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.'

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. 'Hey,'asked the brunette at the wheel, 'do yaw see any cops following us?'
The blonde turned around for a long look. 'As a matter of fact, I do.'
'Damn.' cursed the brunette. 'Are his flashers on?'
The blonde turned around again. 'Yup..nope...yup...nope...yup...'

Q: What happened when the blonde went to the movie theater?

A: She saw the %u201CNC-17: Under 17 not admitted%u201D sign, so she went home and got 16 friends.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home?

A: She moved.

She is so blonde; she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
'That won't work,' countered the woman. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.
Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She comes out and says she did.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

A blonde and a brunette both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first?

The brunette, because the blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found her alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
'Miss Smith,' he said finally, 'it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.'

She was so blonde that she got locked in a grocery store and starved to
death.

What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?


An ironing board's legs are harder to get open.

lol @ spammie

took me half an hour to post that. Kept posting it after clicking reply on your post and got stuck in cyber reply refuse dump!

How many blonde jokes are there?


One. The rest are all true stories.

A Blonde named Maggie was walking down the street and she saw a sign on a fabric store window that said, 'FELT FOR 25 CENTS.'
Maggie just laughed quietly to herself, because she knew that she could get felt for free!

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have. The Brunette says:
'I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex.'
The Redhead replied:
'I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex. 'Then the
Blond says hysterically:
'Oh my God, I am going to have puppies.'

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted!

How do blonde brain cells die?

Alone.

How do you brainwash a blonde?

Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?

Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?

After a dye job.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

You can park in the handicap zone.

What do Darren Milan (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
Put either of 'em in a car and their screwed.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

Hump me Dump me.

How do you get blondes eyes to twinkle?

Shine a torch in her ears.

Why should blondes not is given coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

What do a blonde and your computer has in common?

You don't know how much either of them means to you until they go down on you.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

How do you kill a blonde?

Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?

All you can eat, under a buck.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?

Because they can't get their head in the jar.

lmfao. Excelent joke except that you aimed it at spammie. There are far worse than him on this site.

so two wrongs make a right now do they? lmao.

You aint gonna be getting too many brownie points taking spammie on, you do realise this, don't you?

Its the first day back after the holidays for the primary ones (first
graders), and the teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small
story about their fathers. So the teacher points to little katy and asks, 'Katy, what does your daddy
work as?'
Katy replies:
'My daddies an aircraft pilot, and he flies people all over the world and makes them very happy.'
The teacher then asks little David what his daddy does.
'My daddies a postman, Miss, he delivers letters and parcels to people sent from all over the place,
and he makes people happy.'
Teacher turns to little Susan and is about to ask the same question as the
others, but Susan suddenly bursts into tears. The teacher rushes over to console
her. Whats wrong Susan?'
'My daddies dead, Miss' she replies.
'Aww, I didn't know that. I'm so sorry.'
'It's ok,' she choked out, through tears.
'So tell me Susan, what did your father do before he died?'
'He shat the bed and turned blue, Miss'

Man enters a drug store (chemists):
- Give me a pack of condoms.
- What size?
- I do not know...
- Well, take this board with holes, and go to the toilet and measure.
In 10 minutes the man comes back:
- I have changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?

A female doctor can't fall asleep. the conscience and mind are discussing in her.
the conscience:- how can you sleep after you were unfaithful to your husband!
the mind:- it depends on husbands! if your husband is always busy, he has no time for
sex; even the holy wife will be unfaithful. you were right, my dear... hush and
sleep...
the conscience:- adultery differs! phucking with a patient is unprofessional!
the mind:- yes, but remember Mary from the near by hospital. She always has sex with
her patients - everybody is satisfied and pleased.
Conscience becomes silent. The woman falls asleep... and suddenly the
conscience starts again with sarcastic whisper:- yes, but Mary is not a veterinary...

A woman went to a resort with her son. When they came back home, she told her
husband:
'I liked it very much. The sea was beautiful. Also, I met a Hero of the
Soviet Union, a nice guy.'
The son said:
'What kind of hero is he if he was afraid to be in the dark room without my mom?'

A kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the
father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw
...especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked:
'What's that there, paw?'
The father responded
Well, son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this
in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the
walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped
out.
The father turned to his son and said:
Go get your maw......'

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says:
'Grandpa, can I have one of those?'
Grandpa says:
'Is your penis big enough to touch your arsehole?'
The little boy responds:
No.'
'Then you can't have one.'
A while later, the Grand dad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks:
can I have one of those?'
Grandpa says:
'Is your penis big enough to touch your arsehole?'
The little boy responds:
'No.'
'Then you can't have one.'
Later on, grandpa and grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says:
I just won $50,000'
Grandpa says:
Great, you're going to split that with me, right?'
The little boy asks:
Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your arsehole?'
'Yes,'says grandpa.
'Then go phuck yourself'

A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son:
'son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!'
The son replies:
'I'm over here, dad.'

His son puts a guy into a nursing home. He doesn't know if he's going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son's sake. The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of nowhere, a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone to his son and says:
'Son! I love this place! thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!'
The son says:
Wow, pop. You sound really happy. What happened?'
The old man says:
You won't believe it. I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen in my life came into my room and blew me. Didn't say a word. Just blew me.'
'Well, that sounds great dad, congratulations.'
'Well, thank you, son,' the old man says, and hangs up the phone.
Later that day, the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips and falls and can't get up. A big Hill Billy orderly comes up to him, rips his pants down, phucks him up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.
The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son.
'You got to get me out of here, son. this place is nuts.'
'What happened, pop? You sound terrible.' says the son.
'Well, I was walking with my walker and fell down and couldn't get up. Then this big Hill Billy orderly came by, ripped my pants down, and phucked me up the ass.'
'Well, you know, dad,' said the son, "you got a blow job this morning. You got to take the good with the bad...'
'No, you don't understand, son!' exclaims the old man. 'I only get a hard-on once a month. I fall down three, four times a day!'

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tip toed downstairs and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tip toed back to bed.
The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The customer was really annoyed. She pointed to the corner of the shop and asked:
'No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?'
The butcher frowned at her.
'That', he replied, 'is my son-in-law.'

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him:
'Daddy, what's sex?'
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love...
He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks:
So why did you wish to know about sex?'

'Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...'

25 THINGS YOU WILL LEARN IN 50 YEARS OF LIVING

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe 'Daylight Saving Time.'

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, 'THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
AN APARTMENT, and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, 'SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.' Then the next time, it spits out, 'FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.' And so on. We need to
locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
If the advertisement says: 'This is not your father's Oldsmobile,' the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobile's, appeals primarily to your father.
If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip, and so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as 'Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants
Attention,'I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl in her full glory.
He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father:
'What's that big gash between mommy's legs?'
The father replies:
'That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe.'
The boy replies:
'WOW, you got her right in the cunt!'

The following instruction recently appeared on the notice board of a large car factory in Cowley:

ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE, FOR FAMILY BEREAVEMENTS, SICKNESS, JURY
DUTY, ETC., MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.

Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his grandfather.
'Is anything the matter, son?' the old man asked.
'No, Gramps, I was just wondering what position you play in the football team.'
'What are you talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play
football.'
'Oh,' said the little Boy, 'It's just that Dad said that when you kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'

Reporter: 'Tell me, Mr. Harris; will your £1,000,000 win on the football pools make any difference to your way of life?'
Pools winner: 'None at all. I shall carry on exactly as before.'
Reporter: 'But what about all the begging letters?'
Pools winner: 'Oh, I'll keep sending them out as usual.'

It is said that in Australia, if it looks like rain before a match, they play the extra time first.

A recent Irish League match between Newry and Larne, the visitors were awarded a penalty and the captain summoned his best player and said:
'I want you to take this one, Patrick. Just think hard as you kick -think which way the wind is blowing, and think which direction the keeper's going to jump.'
'Holy Mother of Mary!' said Patrick. 'Do you expect me to think and kick at the same time?'

Is your new striker fast?'
`Is he fast? He's so fast, the rest of the team have to run twice as fast just to keep up with him!'

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
'Run,' his teammates cried, 'For Pete's sake, run!'
The Brit turned and stared at them icily.
'I jolly well shan't run,' he
replied, 'why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball.'

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
'I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.
'You always lose control at the same point in every game.'
'When is that?'
'Right after the National Anthem.'

What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle as hunting season was about to start. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man:
'This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.'
The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.
'What's so funny?' asks the clerk.
'I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,'the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says:
'Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off.'
The man takes another look through the scope, and says:
'You know what? I think I can do that with one shot.'

Why is it so windy at Candlestick Park? (Home of the San Francisco Giants)
Because of all the Giant Fans!

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:
'Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?'
'I sure did,'responded his friend, he can't swim.'

Of course you do or you wouldn't have answered. Now phuck of you two retarded twats.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, and David hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, 'What are you up to?'
Alice smiles, 'I'm going hunting with you.' Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her:
'If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.'
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant... much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: 'Get away from my deer!'
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: 'Get away from my deer!' followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says:Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have
your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!'

Three hunters decided if they got separated or lost, they would use the yodeling cry 'oh-lady-hoo' to help locate each other. One hunter got lost and yelled 'oh-lady-hoo' until he was hoarse but to no avail. When it began to get dark, he gave up trying to find his friends, saw light at a nearby farmhouse, knocked on the front door and asked the farmer if he could stay the night.
'No problem,' he said, 'I've got a spare room you're welcome to use.'
Toward morning, the hunter was awakened by the farmer's young daughter as she slipped into his bed. In no time at all they were going at it hot and heavy and in a few minutes she had an orgasm. Her cries of ecstasy soon brought an angry father into the bedroom. He had a loaded shotgun and said to the hunter:
'You better get dressed real fast 'cause you and me are going down to the barnyard to see if you can haul ass fast enough to outrun a load of buckshot.'
As soon as they reached the barnyard, the frightened hunter took off like a scalded cat, jumped high in the air to clear the barnyard fence, thought of his missing friends, yelled 'oh-lady-hoo' and instantly received a full load of buckshot in his rear end. As he lay on the ground bleeding profusely, the farmer walked up and said: 'I know my daughter pretty well and had my mind halfway made up not to shoot. But, when you yelled, 'I got the old lady too,' that changed my mind real quick'.

CHANGES IN A GOVERNMENT RUN BY PRO WRESTLERS

* Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
* President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
* IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
* Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by
a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners - Hey, wait a minute...
* Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest,
meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
* Sex scandals now involve even skankier women * January 20: Inauguration ceremonies. January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
* During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
* Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
* Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
* Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
* Before: Mr. Vice President.
After: Stone Cold Al Gore .

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said:
'I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team.'
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating:
'That's nothing! I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team.'
The Mormon replied:
'You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course.'

A man said to his golfing friend, 'I hit two of my best balls yesterday!'
'Oh yeah?'
'Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker.'

Manager: 'I'm sorry Sir, we have no time opened on the course today.'
Golfer: 'Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.'
Manager: 'Of course we would, sir.'
Golfer:' Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.'

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Di didn't?
A good driver.

The worst golf player in history must have been Adolf Hitler.
He never got out of the bunker.

Did you see where that lady that won the 20 million dollar lawsuit for the McDonald's coffee being too hot, is suing Walmart?
Apparently she bought an Ernie Irvin Shirt and hit the wall 10 times before she left the store.

Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. Why?
Monica is a hooker,
OJ is a slicer,
Kennedy can't drive over water and
Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;
today, in civilized society, it is called
golf.

What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.

Why don't girls like to date basketball players?
You never know if they're going to dribble or shoot.

What's the difference between a Metallica concert and a Tyson - Holyfield match?
After the Metallica concert, there's a ring in the ears...after the bout, there are ears in the ring.

How many files did Evander Holyfield download from the Mike Tyson website?
A couple of megabytes

If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a barber. Think about
it: You could walk into his shop and say, 'Hey, Mike! Could you take a little
off the ears?'

Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson III is going to be held in Tennessee?
Don King's calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew.

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the
refrigerator, so now they want a coke machine.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take
out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.

My one neighbor Van is a true sport fisherman. He said once he caught a Great White Shark. Never having seen it on display in his home, I asked what happened to it. He sighed and replied:
'Well, it was too small to keep, so I and three other guys threw it back in.'

George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying:
'I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.'
George replied:'Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting.'

With the advent of Spring in the US, a lot of avid fishermen are already out there trying their luck. My sister-in-law's husband is probably one of the most rabid around. Returning from a day of fishing near the Chesapeake Bay Bridge I asked him if they were biting. He replied:
'Were they? I had to lie down in the
boat just to bait my hook.'

Did you hear Dale Earnhardt was arrested for drugs?
They found everything but speed on him.

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says:
'I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.'
The caddy looks back at him and says:
'I don't think you could keep your head
down that long.'

A hunter was visiting another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked:
'When did you bag him?'
The host said: 'That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.'
'What's he stuffed with?' asked the visiting hunter.
'My wife.'

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger and heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish. The buddy eyed the Marlin and said:
Only caught the one, huh?'

George looks like golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.
'You look like a golfer. Are you any good?'
George replies: 'Absolutely.... I got here in TWO, didn't I?'

Three surgeons were arguing about who was the best surgeon. The first said:
'I reattached a severed arm on a man who went on to become one of the best pitchers in the major league.'
The second said, 'I reattached a severed leg on a man who went on to become one of the best place kickers in the NFL'.
'The third surgeon could not be out done. he said, 'I once stitched a mustache to an arsehole and he went on to become a seven time winston cup champion!'

Dale Earnhart, Mark Martin and Gordon are all on a fishing trip. After a few hours and no bites, Dale jumps into the shallow water unzips and waves his jiggly worm around. Pow! A huge bass hits it and he walks to the bank, pokes it in the eye to make it release from his manhood, and holds up a 55 pound Bass.
Mark takes a look and jumps in the water and waves his peter around in the water. Bam, another Bass! He walks to the shore and pokes the fish in the eye and picks up a 70 pound Bass. A little while passes and Dale looks at Jeff and says:
Aren't you going to give it a try?'
Jeff replies, 'No, I don't want to get poked in the eye!'

What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
Trustworthy.

An old man hands over 50 quid to the turnstyle operator at Celtic Park
Man: Two please.
Turnstyle Operator: Sir, will that be Defenders or Strikers?

Parkhead directors called an urgent meeting last night. It's alleged they are considering the replacement of John Barnes with Steven Hendry. When asked why, they replied:
'We don't just need the points now, we need snookers.'

Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.

What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
Both are phucking bad singers!!!

What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 arseholes jumping up and down.

What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
Their personalities

I'm glad to report that a new green and white Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year. It will be called 'Laughing Stock'.

There's a rumor that after the NTL sponsorship expires, Celtic have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

What would you call 2 Celtic fans going over a cliff in a green Renualt Espace?
A complete waste of space. You could have squeezed 8 of them into one of those!

It's with great sadness that I report Celtic Park was broken into last night.
The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. Strathclyde police are believed to be looking for a man with a green carpet.

Do you know what Celtic really stands for?

C eltic
E ven
L ost
T o
I nverness
C aley.

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, 'Reebok.' She thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, 'When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and
Reebok pays me for advertisement.' A bit later, his pants are off and she sees 'Puma' tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word 'AIDS' tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.
'I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS.' exclaims the woman.
Dennis Rodman replies, 'It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say 'ADIDAS.'

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

*It's legal to play hockey professionally.
*The puck is always hard.
*The protective equipment is reusable.
*It lasts a full hour.
*You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
*Periods last only 20 minutes.
*A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
*You can count on it at least twice a week.
*Your parents cheer when you score.
*You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

I have been around a long time!

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the
large bulge in his shorts.
'What's that?' she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
'Tennis ball,' came the breathless reply.
'Oh,' said the blonde girl sympathetically, 'that must be painful. I had
tennis elbow once.'

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
'Who stole my horse?' he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
'I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas.'
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked:
'Say partner, what happened in Texas?'
The cowboy turned back and said: 'I had to walk home!'

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:
'Do you know what I'm doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That is right,' said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts: 'Do you know what I'm doing now?'
'Yes,' the woman said, 'you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked: 'Do you know what I'm doing now?'
'Yes you're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place.'

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance,
only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all
day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling:
'Mommy, I got five dollars.'
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.The little girl replied:
'Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.'
The mother told her daughter: 'Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties.'
'OOOOhhhh,' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling:
'Mommy, I got ten dollars.
The mother asked: 'Where did you get the ten dollars from?'
The little girl replied: 'Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed.'
The mother replied: 'Didn't I tell you that he is...'
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said: 'Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.'

Why did God give a man a penis?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
'I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there.'
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
'Ah yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.'
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
'Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.'
'I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.'
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says:
'That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.'
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife: 'Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
'Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.'
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
'Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..'

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.