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I am attracted to my stepdaughter
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Ok, this is serious and just starting to become a problem for me.

I have been married for a few years now and my wife is a little older than me. We haven't had any children of our own yet, but I have two wonderful stepchildren from my wife's previous marriage. One boy, still at high school and one girl (well, young woman now), a little older.

When my wife and I first met, her kids were a little younger and family life was fun. Not being their natural father hasn't been difficult as they are both great and really well mannered. It was always easy to get on with her children because my age and theirs is not that great (about the same difference as the age difference between my wife and I).

Time has passed and life goes on. My stepdaughter is now a young adult and is very attractive. The kind of attractive that makes all young men turn their heads, as well as some not so young ones.

Whereas I consider myself to be a carefully constrained person with a realistic view on sex and sexuality and a desire to remain faithful to my wife, I find it very difficult to prevent myself from noticing her beauty. We share a close personal relationship and I am impressed with the way that she has started to become a woman.

But that same closeness and progression on her part to an attractive young woman has my wife tied up in knots.

She tells me that she can see me 'checking her daughter out' from time to time, like when she's wearing loose or revealing clothing or seated in an 'inappropriate manner'. It's been a fear of my wife always that her younger husband will do something he shouldn't, but I strenuously deny any and all allegations of this nature.

To be honest, I have fantasized about her occasionally. I don't consider myself in imminent danger of sexually abusing my stepdaughter, but my wife is plainly correct. I have, subconsciously or, perhaps even consciously, 'checked her out'. I am certain that this is wrong, but there is a part of me that cannot help but notice. And lingers there for an instant.

More disconcertingly, my stepdaughter has a habit of looking at me engagingly - which I must admit, is most probably innocent of any intentions, but ours eyes meet from time to time in a way that perhaps they shouldn't. Her conversations with me are becoming a little intimate, in terms of her boyfriends and her 'secrets'.

My wife believes that she is getting confused and won't raise the subject with her, for fear of furthering the confusion, but believes that I can change the situation by acting in a more 'fatherly' manner.

I want to remain friendly and supportive of everyone involved. My question is, is this unusual ? My wife is correct (although I haven't told her so directly), I have some feelings that I shouldn't have for my stepdaughter.

And if this is common, what would you recommend for me to do in this situation ?

Thanks for reading,

Merlin
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Comments (41)
About a year after the wife and I got divorced, her daughter (from a previous marriage) came to live by me. I had always had an attraction to her (shes now 24) but I knew nothing would ever come of it. It was difficult to have her in my house. Anyway I didnt know how to handle it so I spoke to her about it. Probably the best thing I could have done. Nothing ever happened between us and we are the only 2 out of my previous marriage that are still good friends.
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I am not so certain that I could discuss this issue with my step daughter directly without becoming overwhelmed with a deep sense of shame. I am too afraid of all the possible outcomes ...

I am afraid that she'll turn to me and tell me that she feels the same way and that we'll do something we shouldn't ...

I'm afraid that she'll turn to me and tell me that she feels the same way and that after that we'll always have a disturbing and noticeable tension that gnaws at the pit of my stomach whenever we're in the same room ...

I'm afraid that she'll flash her eyes angrily at me and storm off, probably to complain to her mother, my wife ...

I'm afraid that she'll toss her hair to one side casually and laugh, asking me why I told her this and that I didn't really think she would feel the same way, right ? I mean seriously ? ...
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Your sick
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I am having the same problem my step daughter is 25 she's grown up I've been having feelings for since she turn 18 her body doesn't look like a 25 old women I some times think about telling her that I have these feelings she has been dating guys a little older than her and broke her heart. some times she would come into my room with just a bra 36dd or a towel just to see if I'm watching her I would fuck her only if its consentual. I need think about it
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I Am Having The Same Problem. I Have Been With My Wife For 12 Years And She Has A Daughter Who Is 25 Now And I Have Been Attracted To Her Since She Was A Teenager. I Have Fantasies About Her. I Want To See Her Naked And Have Consentual Sex With Her And I Want The Sex To Be So Good That She Comes Back For More. She Is Married And Has Two Kids And I Envy Her Husband. I Tell Myself That This Is Not Normal And That I Should Stop Thinking About Her, But My Mind Keeps Going Back To Her. We Will Never Actually Have Sex. I Just Want To Stop Thinking About It, But Every Time I See Her I Look At Her Butt And Boobs And Start Fantasizing About Her. She Is Very Attractive. Is This Normal?
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It's normal. It's not acceptable to act out on the urge, but it seems normal to have them.
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I've said it before and will repeat it. It's a cruel act of nature that makes us desire young (healthy) specimens for procreation. It's totally normal. However, I think you have to ask yourself once you hit 40 what you can really offer a girl around half your age. Wisdom and financial security (maybe), both of which you can give them without having sex with them. One thing you can't give them is longevity. If you genuinely love them you let them be free to have a relationship with someone they can discover things with and grow old together. To date them and promise them a future is selfish and dishonest. So, by all means look but don't touch. You might not be sleeping with young, firm flesh but at least you'll sleep soundly for doing the right thing.
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hi have been with my partner for the past 13 years i have just broke up with him as he went all the way he brought my 19 year old daughter up from the age of 7 and they were like father and daughter they had a relationship in my bed together i love my daughter and i love my partner please dont go any further it will reck your life like it has mine think of your wife my partner and daughter have also a son together please please dont put your feelings towards something else this is true what i have said
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mjolnir
u got one fucked up family rollypolly. Damn.
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@: mjolnir
actually what she says is not uncommon.

To the stories author: Keep the kid out of your bed.
You lead us to believe she is older but it doesn't matter she is not your wife. If you really want to look at something fucked up look at Woodie Allen!
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She's now 18, but you're right, she's not my wife. I have decided not to say or do anything further. I will keep denying to my wife and I will try to avoid eye contact and situations where I am alone with her for whatever reason.

I think that the selfish notion of either coming clean and discussing it with either my wife or even my stepdaughter might make me feel better, but can't really accomplish much except for raise levels of discomfort and suspicion.

I have no intention of sleeping with her, no matter how attracted I am to her. It had started to become an obsession, but I think I can control it now.
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@: Merlin
So... 6 years later... What has happened since you posted this??
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@: f1fan84
Please see my reply below to onehandinthehoneyjar ... we all lived happliy ever after ... so far ...
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you are a great man with terrific will power most men are weak but im proud of you. be a great step father and do more with your wife. dont throw it all away.
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Eleven05
I'm curious...are you still or have you ever been attracted to your wife?
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Okay, this is sick... I am an attractive female and my mother has been married a few times and all of her husbands have been attracted to me and I am disgusted by it. It is hard for me to say, "Hey creep, you know you are married to my mother" as I don't want to hurt my mothers feelings, but that's what I want to say..

The current one stands behind me in the kitchen sometimes when I am making my plate for dinner and I cringe, but I can't say anything because it would upset my mother. What's really sad is these men are so stupid, they convince themselves I like them. I try to avoid them, speak in an uninterested tone, but it's obvious it goes right over their head because they want to believe some fantasy about me liking them..

Unless you have a face and body and bank account like Ryan Gosling, trust me, your young attractive step daughter is just being nice and you are stupid, extremely selfish and really gross. Accept this and do your wife a favor and leave.. She deserves better than your disgusting grossness!
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There is nothing abnormal about this. You don't have the Westermark effect with her:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprinting_(psychology)#Westermarck_effect

It is psychologically documented that this WILL happen when two people are not biologically related and met when both of them were over the age of 6. It is how attraction works.

And I have to be honest: I also don't think there would be anything wrong with sleeping with her if both of you wanted to. There is no reason why you would have to leave your wife or anything crazy like that. Your wife is obviously your primary partner and you obviously care about her very much.

Think about it. Sex is the only arena in which we PUNISH people for loving someone. How is it wrong to make someone else feel good? How is it wrong to have a mutual affectionate relationship with someone?

We only force these rules on ourselves because of cultural prejudice and superstition. But there is no scientific basis for thinking that having sex with anyone has to ruin anything unless someone gets pregnant or gets an STD.
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@: talon10
I completely agree. Society has made so much a taboo that should never have been.
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@: talon10
I have some problem with step daughter I told her I just want to have sex one time she always coming in my room with a towel I will not move on her she will have to make the first move before we have sex
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Dude ... you TOLD her that you just want to have sex one time ? What are you, like totally shocked now that she keeps throwing the opportunity in your face ? I'm not getting all pious or anything ... if that's want you want to have happen, it's your life, not mine.

But really ... you expect that she will make the first move ? Years ago I labored under the impression that might happen ... but I think it almost never does except in fantasyland.
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Nobody can understand this man like someone whos in the same position, Like me! Yeah man, I live with my gf and her 20 year old daughter. She has a nice body and lusious curves that I look at all the time. But shes young and doesn't know how to satisfy man. Shes young and very inexperienced. You see man, you want a full woman, not just the sex. Can she clean? Cook? Wash your dirty smelly clothes? She needs to do more then just stand there and look pretty. If you dont wanna deal with the temptation, get divorce and marry a younger chick if thats what you want in life. We all change as we get older and wiser, our way of thinking. One thing though, just keep your mind on the aftermath of what could if you slept with her. I mean... The sex will last a only few months before you get eventually get caught, but the divorce will last a lifetime. Lets say you do run away with her to another state or country. She'll always come back to her mom when gets tired of you cause theyre blood and you cant separate them. Next time you'll know not to date a chick with kids period after all that! Especially a chick with older kids. So man... its not worth it, your only attracted to the physical, not the soul of the woman. Shes so young what can she know about satisfying a man? All she can do is stand there and look good and looks eventually fade. And when the going gets tough, you'll never know if she'll is bail out on you cause shes so young. So if you care about your marriage, stay away, if you dont care, go a head and sleep with her.. I can guarantee one thing, it won't be a happy ending. Your wife be so hurt and it would shatter all the lovely memories you have together. Meditate on it! Meditation will be good for you! To chase that lust away from you. Thats what I do.
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I hope you meditation holds out. Or you can pay for your stepdaughter to go to college overseas for a few years ... that'll throw a wet blanket on the fire ... trust me ...
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Turdburger, that may seem like a simple solution, but I also think that will more or less end my life as I know it.
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merlin, you are a very genuine and smart guy. you think deeply. you care about people. it's obvious. it's no wonder that you attract to you women who are attractive themselves. however, there is something here that many tend to look past though... and that is that even with all of what I said above being true (you being a good man caring about others, including your wife), you still are strongly attracted to your wife's daughter. in fact, it vexes you so deeply, that you come to a forum called "isitnormal" to seek the opinion of others.

here is what i gather regarding this. it is absolutely normal. and in fact, it makes perfect sense. and that is where we, as a society, have fallen short of being able to honestly deal with these types of scenarios in a sensible manner. answers and comments here elude to you detroying your marriage if you engage physically with your step daughter, or that you will crush your wife's heart.

what's interesting about the whole thing, and what so many people struggle with, is that there is only one reason on planet earth that you have chosen to suppress these desires and ignore them. fear. period. fear of what? fear of destroying relationships of the people you care about the most. and the fear of believing that if you do, and certain people "find out", that your hard earned reputation could be ruined. the reputation that you are a good, caring man. nowhere in the aftermath will people "give you credit" for being vexed over and not acting on your desires for so long. that effort will not equate to "caring" in the minds of 99% of people, unfortunately. no, instead you'd likely be immediately regarded as a cheating bastard, with no conscious or care for those you love. ironic, isn't it?

if a good, caring man struggles with this as you do (and you are one of many), then perhaps "people" (society) are off base in how they usually respond to these types of scenarios. perhaps their own shortcomings or misguided feelings of jealousy and/or insecurity incidently block (or at least tremendously complicate) these types of natural situations between two people who desire to be have imtimacy in their relationship but cannot because of the taboo nature of their situation.

you either A) try to supress and ignore, whilst hoping for the best, or B) risk a secret physical engagement, hoping it will remain secret forever so as not to "hurt" those you believe might be hurt by it, or C) bring it out into the open to both your wife and your stepdaughter. be transparent, and brutally honest, with clear and caring communication, and see what they both say.

Some choose A, and we never know about it. They go their whole lives denying themselves of what they want so badly. Some choose B. If you are a celebrity or public figure, and you chose B, you end up on the news, and you are automatically a scandalous, terrible person.

I can guarantee you one thing. Chosing C) would probably not be as painful as you might fear, and might actually take a huge weight off, and might actually result in a mutally agreed situation, if all cards fall into place by everyone.

cheers,
honeyjar
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Wow. Many years have passed. I chose A. Took the blue pill.

I had considered choosing B quite a few times, but when my stepdaughter was away studying overseas (my wife's doing in the main), these choices faded. I no longer felt the need to see how deep the rabbit hole went.

She is now back, in tow with a new baby and boyfriend. They are staying in our house with my wife and I. The years away from her seem to have disappeared ... to me it is as if she had never left. Again I know why this whole situation came about in the first place ... My stepdaughter is simply one of the most beautiful women I know or probably will ever know. Her smile still makes my world stop for an instant. Having had a baby has not diminished her in any way ... it has perhaps even strengthened her beauty. Her once elfin arms and legs have given way to soft slight curves of a womanly nature.

I was too fearful of choosing C ... fearful of losing my wife ... fearful of being laughed at by my stepdaughter [could I have been mistaken after all ?] ... fearful of trying to scoop the world up into my arms and yet having them slip through like grains of sand leaving me with nothing but regrets. But how many times I read your reply and tried to imagine the scenario unfolding ... how I would broach the topic ... how they would react ... how I might end up locked away in a mental institution ...

I fancied myself brave, honest, strong and capable of making the right decision by keeping a lid the situation ...

The opportunity to make that mistake is past, the moment is gone ... has been gone for 6 years in all truth ... and is not likely to return. She is now the mother of my grandson, after a fashion. She deserves to be able to trust me and I intend to be reliable in that area.

I see her every day, radiant in her beauty and glowing with happiness as she cradles her baby in her arms ... I look at my wife, and she smiles the smile of deep satisfaction, that all the people she loves are with her under one roof.

I know I should be happy. And really I think that for the most part, the best part and the only part that will matter fro here on, I am really happy.

And yet, there is a part of me that recalls the time before, the recalls the look of youthful yearning in her brown eyes as we stared silently into each others eyes from across the living room ... staying in that moment just a shade too long ... was that even real or imagined ? Back then, nothing felt more real ... yet over time ... perhaps the mind plays terrible tricks on us ? Perhaps desire clouds rationale and imposes its own fantasy over whatever objective reality is there in front of us. Nonetheless, that is how I felt and how this part of me still remembers.

And this part of me will become an old man ...

... filled with regret

... waiting to die alone.
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@: Merlin
dam. i say again, you're a good man merlin. so difficult to suppress. so difficult to pretend. yet we do. oh how sweet it would be if everyone could be trusted to understand what's truly behind the type of desire you articulate here. so often confused for mal intent. and behind their confusion is simply just a misplaced perspective.

the "rabbit hole" is the fantasty of it all. it's where most never go, out of fear. some do actually go, and their fears are confirmed and become their reality shortly thereafter. some take the risk, and born of the same type of fear, attempt to hide everything, even resulting in very bad decisions that hurt people. so sad when otherwise good people are driven to that kind of idiocy and desperation.

does anyone else wonder why so many men (and woman for sure) risk their whole life on their desire for another woman (or man), ALL THE TIME! Then everyone is shocked! "How could he do that." "And here I thought he was so good!" "And his wife is so pretty. How could he be so selfish." "He deserves what he gets!"...

Yes, all the millions and millions (billions?) of people who go down the rabbit hole are all terrible monstrous bastards. yes, of course. it makes perfect sense. they are all crazy sick bastards. On the outside, good wholesome blokes who have legions of close friends and family that would take a bullet for them. Well liked by their community. Fantastic reputation built from life of stacked good decisions.

wait... what's this? he cheated!? BASTARD! Sick pervert! He must not care at all!

yes folks... keep telling yourselves that. 'sigh'+'facepalm'

Yes there is surely an element of selfishness, but it's a real catch 22 that all those that boast about their multiple partners and sexual shennanigans seem to be freer of the consequences than those who attempt to hide it out of fear of hurting others.

merlin, you might die filled with regret, but you won't be alone. nice inception reference btw. you're choosing that truth because you fear the other type of regret more... the regret of ruining your closest relationships with those you love most. and this all ties back to each persons place within their own family and close circle.

in this current society, that is just the way it is.
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@: Merlin
Die alone? What about your faithful, loving wife, who knows good and well what is going on and forgave you? Believe me, I know, because I'm one of those wives with a gorgeous daughter, dating a man I'm so in love with, but I see, regardless of how much he denies it, how he looks at my daughter from time to time. It has broken my heart. I was searching for advice on this topic when I found this. I know what I have to do...I guess I just wanted someone to convince me otherwise. We could have been so happy together. I wanted to spend every day of my life with him. I would rather die alone than feel a man is not 100% mine. Your poor, loving, wonderful wife. The truth is, if you had admitted it to her, it would have broken the power it had over you.
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I have been married to my wife whom I love very much. When I first met her 22, at the time, old daughter she was married, but having marriage problems and flirting with be big time. After she left her husband she stayed with us. I caught her looking through a crack in the bathroom to see me naked among other things. Our computers were side by side and she would show me for example a photo of horses having sex thongs like that. I have always been faithful, never cheated in my life. I am in my mid 40's now and she is 29. I married an older woman. But, I am so attracted to her daughter that I can actually feel heat when we bump or brush against each other. She used to walk around tue house when it was just us there in her panties or q towel and bend over in front of me. It is the most difficult practice of self control that I have ever experienced. Her newest boyfriend looks like me in my late 20's.
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@: Neo2013
Yeah ... my Stepdaughter's boyfriends do seem to have different elements of me in them ... it's like she is consciously or sub consciously projecting me onto her pattern idea of a good match ...

Is this hysterically egotistical or something that all fathers, both blood and step experience as their daughters grow older ? I have heard that blood fathers experience intense jealousy with their daughters and their boyfriends ...

And as for the heat when bumping or brushing ... I remember feeling that ... it sort of made me dizzy at the time. My stepdaughter and I watched a movie that she recommended together in the living room one time that contained a rather graphic orgy scene in it ... I was somewhat uncomfortable at the time and consciously tried not to look at her, but at the same time I was wondering ... did she do this on purpose ?

But all this was so many years ago now ... I hope that you are still on a path that keeps you safe. We are not so different in age ... and neither is my stepdaughter so very different in age from your own.

Good luck
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Do not have sex with her...it could destroy your life. However, according to former President Clinton, eatin' ain't cheatin' so....nom nom nom nom.............
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Hi Merlin,
I don't see a date on this post, so I'm not sure how old it is. Can I respectfully comment on this? Please, at all costs get a hold of your mind and thoughts and save your life and your marriage. First of all, what is normal? Let me sum this up, the thought of all of this going on in your mind and what you are building this up to be - or could be - is psychologically stimulating you and putting you on an adrenaline high. This is nothing shy of the same process that goes on with viewing pornography. There are people who are actual "junkies" whereby they actually injest substances into their bodies to get a "high" and than there are those who live in their thoughts and mind and build things up to get a huge high. People do this in all kinds of ways, risk taking, sporting events, shopping for women, etc. The mental process you are taking yourself through is the exact same path a person takes when they have an affair. It's all the pre-thoughts and actions of "having the affair" that create stimulation and excitement, yet once they have the affair after a few times, the thrill is over. Save yourself and your life and get control over your mind. Either you control your mind or your mind controls you. I feel for you and if you are smart you will go into a Love and Sex support group and get a hold of this. It may be your step daughter today, but trust me, it will be somebody else tomorrow. I hope this helps.
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Nature says they're legal when they get a few pie hairs...who am I to argue with pie hairs
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okay ew, imagen how she would feel, your eyes met because your glancing at her so shes probebly like WTF! that is horrible and very shameful that is DISGUSTING if i were you i would leave your wife and fuck off out of the family, that is extremly disturbing and you need to pull your head together, imagen how your wife would fell and think. and if you touch that girl it will do her harm in the brain you need to pull yourself together or get help because this is horrible and dirty your wife would be ashamed. YUCK
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Ok, so some time has passed now (two / three years) since I posted the original post. My stepdaughter has been away at university for a little over a year. Nothing has happened between us and I really think it's going to stay that way.

But going back to my original post, I can see your point of view, maddyCLAIREx. It does seem disgusting and I don't have to imagine how my wife would feel, since she made it very clear to me even without anything happening.

I would like to say that, based on my perspective at the time that my stepdaughter wasn't thinking 'wtf' as you say ... and that's part of it.

Do you know what I mean by 'chemistry' ? I mean that, despite, or perhaps in spite of everything, there's an attraction and it's mutual. In a regular boy meets girl scenario it's that highly sought after situation that most people really want to find themselves in.

That's what was happening. I don't think I'm delusional. I know that I am not unattractive myself and take care of my physical appearance as a matter of habit. Partially because of being family, we shared a lot of the same interests, but then, we shared more interests in terms of music, books, movies ... more than I shared with anyone else including her mother, my wife. I know that she felt something for me ... and I'm not saying it was sexual, because it probably wasn't. But what she felt for me ... it didn't seem to me that it was just the respect and love of a daughter for her stepfather.

I would like to point out that I did NOT take advantage of the closeness we developed and go down the road of inappropriate physical intimacy ... I was just trying to express what was happening to me at the time.

Maybe it was indeed horrible and shameful and disgusting, but I was just telling it how it was. Perhaps indeed I needed to get help - and I think that was why I posted this in the first place. Even as soon as I had posted it and reread it, I knew that it looked wrong.

For the most part, I am really very happy that nothing happened.

But there's some dark part of me that regrets the things that I didn't have the guts to do. To take the conversations deeper, to accept the offer of a few drinks [yes, it was that way around - she asked me to stay, I simply found some excuse that I had to go out], live in the shameful moment, regardless of the consequences ...

And if you find that worse or equally as disgusting, perhaps you're right. But maybe that is the way of men and women and ultimately, we control ourselves or lose our way ?
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@: Merlin
Sounds beautiful.. and the thought of you sleeping with your step daughter is kind of arousing. But you are a sensible man.
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@ merlin wow does anyone watch maury povich? how many fathers or stepfathers have slept with their stepchildren in regrets or flirted with them. yes sometimes the feeling might be mutual, but its still wrong. how many children is misconcepted by someone's else's selfish feelings? is she like a daughter to you or someone who just grew up around you and you now have feelings for her? what about her very first or the boyfriend or husband? now you are both carrying the pain on your shoulders. there are alot of cases out there in this situation. personally my husband also said he loves my children like their his own but looks up things like this to only find he may have a secret attraction. he's 34 and she's 14. now the trust factor is gone. plus i'll hurt the bastard bad if I found out. there's alot to take in consideration in this matter. my opinion is if you value your marriage, control it.
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@: tee1972
I agree. And my wife would have hurt me in every conceivable way if I had attempted to live out my unscrupulous fantasies. One must control the selfish mind and remember one's place in the family.
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Sibelius, if only you could see how arousing it might be ... but I believe that by not acting out on my desires and by being sensible, I chose the correct path ...
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@: Merlin
have the same problem ...my stepdaughter is 14 and ...well hot...as is her friend ..they come on to me in a variety of ways ...walking around in little panties and bras ...showering with the door half open ..asking me personal questions .. and looking at me in a sexual manner.. I have to admit , it is extremely difficult to not engage in any type of sex with either one of them ...but as the adult and loving them the way a DAD is supposed to love their daughter I never act on this and push it out of my head as fast as it enters ...if we break that trust there is no telling what it could do to any of these innocent kids...yep that's right ...KIDS..
STAY STRONG...she's your little girl who needs protected...!!!
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@: Merlin
Just curious and by all means feel free not to answer this question ...but after you found yourself aroused by her and you started masturbating to her ...did you go in her room when she wasn't there and masterbate on her bed ...or sniff and lick her dirty panties ....look through things she had wrote hoping to find her confessing to sex with a boy or her hidden feelings from you....I realize this may sound extreme but you have been very forthright ... and I think it helps us in the same boat realize it may be normal after all
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man i got the same problem with my girlfriends daughter, she is only 14 though but is very attractive (and busty) and dresses in a way that she looks 16 or 17.
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