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I can't stand my step daughter and it's ruining my life
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I got married about 2 and a half years ago. I have one biological child and a step daughter. The step daughter is 13 and I can not stand her we are complete opposites in everyway. She's defiant, she's rude, she's mean to kids at school, she hurts her toddler sibling "on accident" all the time, she treats me like a maid and is constantly contradicting me and arguing. If I even look at her or say her name it makes me angry. When she doesn't have school I take my baby and go in my room and stay there all day. Everyone says "she's a teenager" but my husband says she's been like this since she was little. To make matters worse we just moved from my home where I lived all my life. I have no family and no friends here. I am pretty much happy until she gets home from school I hang out with my toddler and get some work done. But someimes I even fume about her during the day. Like today because she lost the remote and left a mess in the kitchen for me to clean up yet again (she's cleaning it when she gets home). My frustration and dislike of her is taking over my life and it feels like its all I can talk/think about. Sometimes (2-3 times a year) we get in fights they get really heated and I slap her. (My husband and her both say that it's child abuse and that I could go to jail. It's like they hold it over my head.) On one such occasion she ran away and was gone for hours. We called the police and she just ate up the attention she got. I can't deal with this anymore and I don't know what to do I've tried telling my husband in every way how hard it is for me and he just says he knows and goes off to work and doesn't have to deal with her. I need advice
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Comments (22)
why dont you just let her run away never to be found? its a win win situation.
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Ollieo
Really - you were wrong to hit and don't need it rubbed in your nose - but demand that they all go get family counseling. You have a toddler on your hands, an angry & acting out step daughter, and a husband with no backbone. And you are getting the short changed here. Who chips into the household & supports you?

Sorry to say, and I could be wrong, but I think this husband and step daughter are really giving you the short end of the stick.
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I agree with Ollieo. Speaking from personal experience, having been a step-child and a step-mother, RUN FOR THE HILLS. You will only grow to despise this step-child even more as time wears on. I will NEVER AGAIN engage in a relationship with a man who has kids. Never.
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i really think all three of you should go to councling. its very understandable why your so upset and how yu can get so angry. the rest of the world is babying her and she is taking full advantage of it. i would ignore when she argues with you dont get into it dont walk away just ignore. do you have rules? as in if your not home by 10 your grounded type deal? think of somthing she really adores like a cell phone,computer time ect, when she doesnt do what is asked take awy a privlage be firm dont argue,dont yell or scream be calm and firm if you ask something of her expect her to do it dont harp. like say she leaves am ess or makup or clothes say "please pick up your mess" give her 10 minutes if she isnt busy (make sure she isnt busy with homework or somthing important) if she doesnt do it or flat out refuses tell her "if you dont clean up your mess withing the next 15 minutes im throwing away what ever you left out" if its her stuff if its yours you say "youll never get to use it again" if she refuses dont ask her again just do what you said you were ging to do. always mean what you say and dont argue she is trying to push your buttons if seh knows she cant she will stop,when she knows your serious on your threats she will start doing what you ask but always be fare and always be respectful of her privacy and what she is doing. like if seh made am ess and is watching her favorite tv show let her finish it or clean up during a commercial. i say this becuase my sister harps on her son while he is in the middle of somthing important to him and ruins it for him becuase she doesnt respect his feelings.
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Me and my step-mum sometimes don't get on... And can understand how your step-daughter is feeling. When I was 8 and my step-mum moved in I left mess around all the time. She took me aside and politely asked me to pick it up. Since that say I always did. I'm 18 now, and recently got kicked out if the house because of "tension" between her and myself (although hand on heart i did nothing, she was actually the reason)

Annnyyways...that's not my point. It's hard for stepmums and stepdaughters to get on because there is almost competition between them both.
I now stay out of my step mums way (there's nothing wrong with her, but it's best that way because we are polar opposites)

Try calmly talking to your stepdaughter, she sounds a bit out of order, but her behaviour is due to her feeling left out and pushed away, let her know she is very much part of the family and perhaps ask for her help with looking after your toddler?
I remember when I was eight I made myself unwell just to get attention from dad, simply because I thought I was being shunned (I feel so ashamed of it now though)
I hope this was useful, if you want any help or to hear things from a "stepdaughters" perspective, feel free to ask :)
Sorry about the length of this comment
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I would LOVE some perspective! I can't send a msg though!
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military or boarding school
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I do think it's wrong to hit a child. Honestly, violence will never get you anywhere. I think there are other ways to deal with things besides getting violent. Have you tried going to a family therapist?
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i agree with Ollieo i think you three should go to family counseling. What the husband is doing is really really wrong, he need's to step up and let that daughter know that you are his wife and she has to respect you if she wants to or not. But at the same time your not a kid u need to step up and put your foot down and let your hubby know that he has to be your backbone.

Im a guy and i feel disrespected , i really feel like someone need's to put that little girl in her place. at the age of 13 her little butt need to be going to school coming home doing homework and cleaning up. and for her to sit there and talk to you like that is total dicrespect. I really think u need to sit down with your husband and see whats going on with him, dont ask him to sit down and have a talk with you , make him.

Tell him we need to talk "no if but's about it". and u need to put your foot down and let him know how u feel, the things that u posted here u need to tell him. Let him know that u cant deal with this anymore and his daughter needs to have respect for you and learn to listen and if she cant disciplinary actions would be taken.

Your the person who take's care of her when the dad is at work and thats the way it is...
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She needs love. Think about your relationship with your dad and how you might have felt if some lady came in with you were a kid, replaced your Mom, had a baby with your dad, and left you wondering you cared about you.

The defiant, annoying behavior is a shell, she is probably very sensitive and hurt on the inside, but doesn't know how to express her feelings or with whom to share them.

You are the adult. Take the high road by being nice to her, even if you don't want to be. If you can show her that you are open and willing to be her friend, she will be confused and persist being defiant, but continue on the high road. She is young, so it will take time for her to realize your efforts.
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Isitnormal?:-)
I agree with bluplane i remeber when my mom got remarried she was a nurse and would leave all the time and my stepdad would play video games and ignore me and later on yell at me for not cleaning and i would scream back. we got really heated alot of the time.... my mom would just make dinner go take of the baby and hide away from us her and my brother disapeered for a weekend and me and my step dad looked everywhere for them she turned out to be at my grandmas but we really bonded and now im in college and i regret not spending more time with my step dad and step brother tommy...byt anyway i was just bad to get attention and for awhile my step dad idnt give me any attention or love...
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It's perfectly normal to dislike someone who acts like a complete brat.

Understandable.

But you CANNOT hit her, or you really could go to jail. You have to be the adult and not stoop to a adolescent level.

Family counselling may be in order...
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And i quote ("we get in fights they get really heated and I slap her. (My husband and her both say that it's child abuse and that I could go to jail") that's not true when your disciplining your child , u can hit , smack on the lips or pulling out the belt. But make sure your doing it for disciplinary actions only , and not because you get heated and cant get your point across.

Make sure u dont take it to far and just start going crazy on the girl, im a youth development counselor and im in college so u can take m word for it. But at the same time the how far does the rabbit hole go.If that dont work, I can sit here and talk about 1000 reasons why some kid's do that.

Like, she might think your taking her mom place and she cant accept that, lack of attention , sometimes kids fight and disrespect because it makes them feel alive i can sit here all day, but first do what i told u and the first post and if all fails then take the little girl to counseling
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But look at it from her point of you. She might be bad; but it could also feel like to her a woman is intruding on her life and worst someone whos not even her mother who slaps her and yells at her for leavin messes around. The dad doesnt want to be mean to is daughter. It doesnt seem like a healty situation and i doubt you want to spend the rest of your life this way.
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Did you go into this relationship with your eyes completely closed?

You definitely can't slap the chick. Teenagers, especially girls, can be really bad. But you have to be the adult. Also, you say she treats you like a maid - how? What can she do that you don't allow? Certainly it is not your job to pick up after her.
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i have two teenage stepdaughters and they can be hateful and mean but most of the time its because their mom isnt around and does nothing for them. i've been around sincce they were 4 and 5 and they were traumatized because their mother just left and didn't want them anymore. it's hard to explain maybe she will come around if not take your kid and go back home
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take her to a counselor and see why she's acting like this. she could have some kind of oppositional defiant disorder or something like that.
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You take your baby and hide in your room?? How do you think she feels when you do that? You're selfish, and you don't sound like a very capable mother.
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Look I'm her age and if my mother was no longer lving with us or even died I would probaly act the same way! I don't blame you forgetting frustrated but have ever tried to be nice to her or maybe not consider slapping her she might find home a place where she can enjoy! also you might want to consider that she's only acting this way to get u the hell away from her life.
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I'm sure it's Real easy for her to be a better kid when you hide from her all day? And then slap her? Youre the one in the wrong. You are the adult establish rules and be a fucking parent. And that's your husbands daughter he will never be on your side he will never bash her in spite of you. Because he's a parent learn how to be one you're pathetic
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thats absolutly horrible.....im a stepdaughter i HATED my step mom she feels like YOUR fucking up her life not the other way around it was wrong of you to hit her you should seek counsiling...
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You sound like the one with a problem...jealous of the kid.
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