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I feel I have lost my true personality?
My over all question on this is: What can I do?
Background: I'm going to be 17, & I'm a female entering her senior year of highschool.
Since I was little, my mom has been an abusive alcoholic who barely works, and my dad is a traveling pothead who throws himself into his work. I've delt with weight issues that my mom has put me on meds for to balance my weight out, I've had trichotillomania since I was in kindergarden (then in the 4th grade it hit badly, now it's just dimly there), I used to be a big cutter (I'm almost 17 now, and when I was 10-11 I was cutting, trying to kill myself). It gets severely bad at my house, the police have been called multiple times. I used to be able to talk about my home situation openly, but now, being older & still going through this, I never want to talk about it, ever. This is the first time in awhile I've discussed it.
I feel like I lost myself. I feel completely empty inside. There's nothing. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, normally I just feel lost & angered at my parents.
When I entered junior high(7th grade), I met friends who completely opened up my personality & now that I reflect on it, I loved my personality. But now, I'm going to be a senior in highschool (12th grade) & I feel dead inside. I feel like I'm already a rotting corpse..but I feel like there's a part of me still trying to open up, like the next chapter, but it can't. I don't know what to do. I've tried finding new friends, it's helped a bit, but still..I don't know if I can make it another year at my house. I know college is right around the corner, and I'll be in a dorm, far away, but I feel like my thoughts of suicide are much more intense and real now compared to my attempts when I was younger. It's not as easy as it seems, getting out of my house. I can't just walk away whenever I want..atleast, I feel like I can't. I always wonder how my big brother just ignores it all (it used to bother him and such, but he just leaves or turns up his tv super loud, or other stuff)
Should I just stick it out for the next year &keep focusing on going away to college? Would weed calm me down? I've very against smoking ciggs, drinking, and smoking weed, though I've done them all. But I wonder if maybe smoking every once in a while would be an easy escape just to keep me together?
Any help would greatly appreciated. & Please, I don't know why there'd be any, but no flamers or anything, I'm not bullsh*tting any of this (after reading a bunch of other topics, there's always alot of 'i don't believe you', etc)
Background: I'm going to be 17, & I'm a female entering her senior year of highschool.
Since I was little, my mom has been an abusive alcoholic who barely works, and my dad is a traveling pothead who throws himself into his work. I've delt with weight issues that my mom has put me on meds for to balance my weight out, I've had trichotillomania since I was in kindergarden (then in the 4th grade it hit badly, now it's just dimly there), I used to be a big cutter (I'm almost 17 now, and when I was 10-11 I was cutting, trying to kill myself). It gets severely bad at my house, the police have been called multiple times. I used to be able to talk about my home situation openly, but now, being older & still going through this, I never want to talk about it, ever. This is the first time in awhile I've discussed it.
I feel like I lost myself. I feel completely empty inside. There's nothing. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, normally I just feel lost & angered at my parents.
When I entered junior high(7th grade), I met friends who completely opened up my personality & now that I reflect on it, I loved my personality. But now, I'm going to be a senior in highschool (12th grade) & I feel dead inside. I feel like I'm already a rotting corpse..but I feel like there's a part of me still trying to open up, like the next chapter, but it can't. I don't know what to do. I've tried finding new friends, it's helped a bit, but still..I don't know if I can make it another year at my house. I know college is right around the corner, and I'll be in a dorm, far away, but I feel like my thoughts of suicide are much more intense and real now compared to my attempts when I was younger. It's not as easy as it seems, getting out of my house. I can't just walk away whenever I want..atleast, I feel like I can't. I always wonder how my big brother just ignores it all (it used to bother him and such, but he just leaves or turns up his tv super loud, or other stuff)
Should I just stick it out for the next year &keep focusing on going away to college? Would weed calm me down? I've very against smoking ciggs, drinking, and smoking weed, though I've done them all. But I wonder if maybe smoking every once in a while would be an easy escape just to keep me together?
Any help would greatly appreciated. & Please, I don't know why there'd be any, but no flamers or anything, I'm not bullsh*tting any of this (after reading a bunch of other topics, there's always alot of 'i don't believe you', etc)
Do you think it's normal?
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Next, you need to finish school. It's imperative since you only have one year left to continue and succeed so that college is waiting for you. That is your out. I suggest that if you have good friends or places other than home to visit, do that as often as to can. Normally I would say that avoidance is not healthy, but in this case I would avoid the family as much as possible so that you can focus on your work and mental health.
Also, it sounds like you have a very bad case of depression. When I was your age I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I'm not saying that this is what you have, but much of what you have been doing I did (the cutting etc...). Plus the fact that you have teenage hormones in an unstable environment. I honestly think that if you can find a trustworthy counselor or adult you should speak with them about the self destructive habits that you have.
I do NOT recommend smoking weed as an escape or drinking or smoking cigarettes or turning to any other self-medicating drug. Your problems will just be waiting for you anyway. Since you already have a family history of abuse, this activity will most-likely harm you more than trying to cope in other ways. Why not try to get involved in extra-curricular activities in your school? Maybe find a part-time job.
You should try and talk to your brother about your feelings also. Chances are that you are on the same level and he shares the same worries as you. Hopefully together you can come up with some other options. He probably jacks up the sterio or television because he is just as (if not more) fed-up with the situation as you.
I wish you luck. You sound like a sweet person.
~Peace~
2nd of all, if it's so bad at your house, I would really consider you emancipating yourself. Getting yourself far away from the drama. But if you move off, DON'T go off by yourself! Get a roommate, you know? So you're okay.
If you ever Whant to talk to someone that dose not know you my e-mail is mkslime@ymail.com
I understand all of your point of views, and
it seriously does feel good to know people care, all of your replies felt genuine.
You're all correct, too. I know one of the main things I have to do is avoid my parents, it just gets hard, because every once in awhile my mom will be sober and be perfect and we'll have a great day. Those days hurt the most.
But thank you so much for the responses, they mean a lot more to me than one would expect.
Certainly forget the idea of self medication & drugs. Think about going to al anon & also getting some professional support.