Well im not really sure where to start. I feel i need to explain a lot for you guys to really understand and tell me the truth so if you would please read my story, it would be much appreciated.So here it goes... For the past year or two iv felt very cold. I dont really feel passionate about anything anymore. I no longer care about any of my "loved ones" and its been getting worse over the past six months or so. It often fluctuates but when it hits it hits hard. All my life iv had difficulty expressing my self to other people, thats kind of why i got into song writting. My parents divorced when i was 5 or so and since then iv lived with both my mom and my dad. I can vaguely remember my parents yelling at each other when i was little. When my dad left my mom i lived with her along with my two other siblings. She didnt have alot of money and had to work multiple jobs while going to nursing school but she managed. This was when i was about 6-11 years of age. During this period i didnt notice our money problems and actually remember enjoying this part of my life. I would sometimes visit my dad with my brother and sister in his apartment and didnt think much of it. Then when i was around 12 or 13 my dad moved into a house he had bought with his girlfriend. It was in a nice neighborhood and close to my school so i moved in there. I had a hard time adjusting to this environment. Now im not complaining but i had to take on a lot of house chores and i know this is pretty cliche but my dad was never satisfied with anything i did. He would always get frustrated with any of the work i did and i think it hit me pretty hard. Sometimes when he got angry he would strike me or grab me by the neck, yell a lot, that kind of thing. My siblings and i lived with my dad and his girlfriend "Ashley" for about 7 years when something happened and she got up and left him. I remember him first being miserable and then slowly getting more and more angry. We had to do more house work to compensate for her leaving. My dad was always out working and doing stuff and when he got home he would always be angry, sometimes hitting me. I think i should also mention he sometimes called me a failure among other things. After about a year or two living with just him and my siblings, i was about 16, we got into an argument and i ran out of the house and ran across town to my mothers, where i live to this day. Its been about three years now and i barley talk to my dad, only at family gatherings, and even then we dont really make eye contact. Anyways, for about a year now iv felt very isolated. I think im an introvert because being around people just exhausts me. I mean i have a small group of close friends, and im in a band and write songs and play shows, but sometimes i cant stand being around people. They all seem so fake and unaware. Now for the more darker stuff...I sometimes get urges to want to kill things. It happens every once and a while but they are very strong. I think this is because iv felt so cold and unemotional i'll do anything to feel again. I can remember being a small child and finding a wounded rat at my camp and stepping on it, killing it instantly. i remember the rush and thrill of committing the act and its something that has stuck with me. I know these feelings are wrong but they are sometimes the only thing that gives me peace. I also think i may have depression but i cannot be certain. Iv been considering seeing a professional about my depression but i dont know if i should tell them about my dark urges. They would probably tell my parents and then they would most certainly act different around me. I know the correlation between killing animals as a child and wanting to kill as an adult and the thought is a bit unnerving to say the least. So what should i do? Is it normal to be feeling this? has anyone else had a similar experience? Thanks for reading.
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Look, killing small animals is a really bad sign. It strongly suggest there is something wrong with your ability to empathize with others properly.
You SHOULD talk to a professional and ask them what it means.
A psychologist\counselor can't tell other people what you've told them unless it something serious like abuse. I wouldn't worry either way what your parents think they arent perfect either.
I think a lot of people have had thoughts like you, I know I have...You honestly remind me of myself. Ill tell you something I have not and will never repeat to anyone anywhere ever again. When I was feeling similar to yourself, I thought about and was actually seriously thinking about raping and hurting my dads girlfriends dog. One day when he was in my room and the door was closed, no one was home, I sort of attempted to try it >.< I didn't actually do anything to him (the only thing I attempted was holding him down) but I could have I knew then that I was really fucked up and something was wrong with me. A little while after that I ended up going to the hospital for psychotic depression...still embarrassing >.< I use to cut myself just for fun.. See now I look like the psychopath over here haha.
so its easier for me to read.