I just found out that I have a 10 year old daughter. I have never met her or spoke to her. She lives in another state and that state sent me for a dna test which came back positive. I have not seen her mother in almost 11 years. I heard threw the grapevine over the years she had a baby but she was living with a guy when I was seeing her. I have a 3 yr. old daughter whom I am a full-time father too. I think of all the sweet things she does and says and then i think of how i have missed all these moments with my 10 yr. old daughter. I keep asking myself why did i not go to her state to pursue it when people told me she had a baby. My family tells me that i was 16 when she was born and that i didnt know if she was mine, but this does not relieve the guilt that i have and deserve. I feel bad for her not knowing her father all these years. I have been able to find her mother's information off the internet since I found out. I plan on making contact I just don't know where to begin. I mean she is 10, she is old enough to have an opinion, she may not want to know me. But God-willing she does want to know me, where do i start? what do i say? Should I write her first? Call first? What do i say to her when i first see her? I am a strange man she has never met I want her to be comfortable. 10 years is a long time to make up for. i hate she missed out on that time of having the love my 3 yr. old daughter has from me, and the same for myself. And what do I tell my 3 yr. old daughter? She is not going to understand why all of a sudden she has a 10 year old sister. I just want to do what is right and best for both of my children. Please help. Sincerely, Jeremy
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I did not meet my father until I was 6 years old (mom divorced dad, dad was in military overseas, mom never gave me his letters, etc.). I dont even think about it now (missing the 6 years). We are close and I know he loves me. Get involved. Dont bring in the rest of your family yet, establish a bond with your daughter first. Otherwise you run the risk of her feeling like you chose your new family over her. Be open and tell everyone what you told us.
The state probably ordered the paternity test bc the woman was with or married someone else, they got a divorce, she demanded child support and he said "I dont think the kid is mine". The paternity test was administered on him and it showed she was not his. So the mom said, "well the only other person it couldve been is Jeremy". So they ordered a test for you and she wants child support. I dont believe the state will come after you for reimbursement on any medicade or food stamps they had given the child. I think its the scenario I just broke out.
Good luck and update us.
But now that U kno she's Ur's, take it step by step. Don't involve anybody else, leave Ur wife/girlfriend (If U have one) & Ur 3 year old aside from this just for now until U get everything settled with Ur 10year old & her mom.
By the way don't feel guilty, it's not Ur fault that U didn't kno U had a daughter out there. True were 16 at the time, U could've pursued the issue in finding out if she was pregnant from U but that's all in the past now so just think about now and take care of her it's never too late.
**Good Luck & keep us posted**
yes, call the mother and start some dialogue with her. she may be willing to let you start visiting the girl. i suggest that only you, at first, visit the girl, and that the visit be in the livingroom of the mother. after visits have gone on for awhile, maybe the mother and girl will feel comfortable so that you can have visits that don't include the mother. once that is achieved, then it's time to bring in your current wife, and lastly the 3 year old. after all, you are a stranger to this child, and the mother doesn't really know anything about how you turned out. do you see what i'm saying?
whether or not the mother is willing to let you into the girl's life, you still need to take some action.
the first thing you should be doing is putting an attorney on retainer. you have two separate legal issues coming.
1st: there isn't any other reason that i can think of as to why a state would order a paternity test other than to recoup welfare monies that they have been paying to support your child. they will also be looking to your payments for future support as well.
2nd: even with the test proving you are the father, right now, you aren't anything more than a sperm doner. that is how the state and authorities are going to look at it. if you want to start visitations, that is a totally separate court event and you won't be allowed to even bring it up while working your first issue. and item #1 has already started, and no doubt, it will be the first thing allowed in the courts.
you don't mention a current wife, but if you have one, i suggest that she is the first one brought on board. the 3 year old baby is probably going to be the last one to meet the 10 year old, so i think you are jumping the gun worrying about that.