Are You Normal?
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I have nothing to offer
This is how I feel: what people see is only a superficial shell, a facade. Wait for it, this isn't going to be about how people don't see the real me because of the masquerade that we always have going on - I actually feel like a shell; like a papier-mache model. It makes me scared to get close to anyone, because there is nothing for them to get close to. There is only the shell and once that is broken, there is nothing.
Even on the internet, when I'm talking to someone, I feel like a f**king fraud. I might feel like I'm being the "real me" sometimes, but then I read over what I've written and it makes me want to vomit because it sounds as though another person has written it. In short, it sounds utterly fake.
I'm very good at being fake too. I pretend to be interesting. I pretend to be a person of depth.
I found some good "internet buddies" this way. I thought that they had gotten close to knowing me at the time, but now I know that they only had the good fortune to sample my sh*tty acting. I dumped those friends obviously. Couldn't have them figuring out that I'm actually empty could I?
ps. I'm starting to suspect that I may have borderline personality disorder after someone told me about it. However, I haven't gone for an evaluation (yet?) If you can tell me if feeling like this is common for people with BPD, I would appreciate it.
Even on the internet, when I'm talking to someone, I feel like a f**king fraud. I might feel like I'm being the "real me" sometimes, but then I read over what I've written and it makes me want to vomit because it sounds as though another person has written it. In short, it sounds utterly fake.
I'm very good at being fake too. I pretend to be interesting. I pretend to be a person of depth.
I found some good "internet buddies" this way. I thought that they had gotten close to knowing me at the time, but now I know that they only had the good fortune to sample my sh*tty acting. I dumped those friends obviously. Couldn't have them figuring out that I'm actually empty could I?
ps. I'm starting to suspect that I may have borderline personality disorder after someone told me about it. However, I haven't gone for an evaluation (yet?) If you can tell me if feeling like this is common for people with BPD, I would appreciate it.
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Do you think it's normal?
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[Best Of]
[Funny]
[Interesting]
[Weird]
[Stupid]
[Lame]
[Vulgar]
[F*cked Up]
[Fake]
[Off Topic]
[Innapropriate]
[Adult]
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I understand why you pretend to be more interesting and more in-depth. We want the people we are talking to, to be interested in us. So a few white lies to spice things up no biggie. But what makes it so bad that you would want to vomit when you re-read what you say?
What makes you so boring that you have to put on a facade, I mean unless you never leave the same room ever I don't how you can be that bad.
Sometimes we know ourselves too much and it drives us mad.
Perhaps you are a little too self-absorbed, I don't mean that in an offensive way. Volunteer, take a class on something you know nothing about... find a way to get out of your thoughts and channel that self-exploration in a happier way.
The real you is full of layers, just like everyone else. You just happen to know it more. Don't worry, people will and do love you anyway.
It usually takes many more years to realise that people are shallow.
Categorise the people in your life as those who are more or less real. Like an onion with you in the middle. The more honest or real a person appears to be, move them a layer nearer to the real you.
You may never find anyone who reaches the middle bit, but there's always hope.
I really like how you put it. That makes me feel much better actually. Thank you.
I don't know. There's your interests and your opinions and then...then waht? There's nothing. There IS not middle bit, because just as if you were to carry on stripping away at an onion, you'd find that you're left with nothing but bits of onion, there is nothing in the middle. I'm not sure how to explain it. That's not very good...but sometimes, I get a strong sense of this, such as a coupld of minutes ago, and it terrifies me. It makes me feel so empty.
It doesn't bother me normally, but when I get a glimpse of it, it reallly makes me feel terrible. I can't quite capture it now because it's left me.
Nevermid then. I'm okay now.
You're right, I don't fake anything. The way I see it, if I can't accomplish that over the internet, then there's no hope of that happening in real life. See, I want so badly to be "a real girl!" that I've got to practise stripping away all of the fakery.
" It's just hard to express meaningfully and as real as you would like what you feel and think even with a great vocabulary when you're communicating over the internet or some second hand form of communication"
- communication is always a great source of frustration to me.
I'll try to look at myself from a distance next time. Or just not think about this so much. I'm feeling alright for now anyway.