Are You Normal?
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I really, really need help.
I'm an 18 year old virgin, unemployed, afraid to drive, afraid most of the time to go out and be around people. I have incredibly low self-esteem and have no idea how to live in an adult world. I have no friends at all. I live with my grandparents and see no way out. They're no help at all as they are religious fanatics and social outcasts and cultural luddites and would be perfectly content with my living with them forever. I didn't go to high school and have been living with them under the false pretense of being home schooled.
I don't live my mom because she lives , of course, with my step-dad who seriously abused me emotionally, was always putting me down and playing head games hard to describe. I still have nightmares about him sometimes. I don't live with my dad, who is fairly decent, because I don't know him that well and have very little in common with him.
I used to be fat and smoke cigarettes but I've quit smoking and lost a lot of weight in the past couple years. I've been trying to improve myself and my self image. I now play guitar and work out strenuously and often. I’m in pretty decent shape and still gaining a lot of muscle, but my self-esteem still sucks. I feel like I could be normal happy person and function in the world if I could just get out, maybe live with someone like a surrogate parent for awhile, an understanding R. P. McMurphy/Jesus Christ like person. That's my absurd fantasy anyway.
When I do get out I would like to travel allot, live in California then France then England then New York. I'd like experience as much as possible, be with both male and female lovers, experiment with lots of psychedelic drugs, and go on playing my guitar, maybe in bands and for different and interesting gigs. I Really want to live a life. My childhood has been very lonely and painful and I hate almost every moment of it.
I'm hardly ever around the opposite sex and have to subsist on a sh*tload of porn and fantasies. I have, like I said, no friends at all and find solace only in movies and music. I’m going a little insane from loneliness, but I try hard to keep myself busy improving myself in what ways I can. I have thought of suicide in the past. I need help.
Is any of it normal? Am I normal? Can someone help me?
I'm in counseling now, the early stages but I’ve been before and feel like I need something else.
I don't live my mom because she lives , of course, with my step-dad who seriously abused me emotionally, was always putting me down and playing head games hard to describe. I still have nightmares about him sometimes. I don't live with my dad, who is fairly decent, because I don't know him that well and have very little in common with him.
I used to be fat and smoke cigarettes but I've quit smoking and lost a lot of weight in the past couple years. I've been trying to improve myself and my self image. I now play guitar and work out strenuously and often. I’m in pretty decent shape and still gaining a lot of muscle, but my self-esteem still sucks. I feel like I could be normal happy person and function in the world if I could just get out, maybe live with someone like a surrogate parent for awhile, an understanding R. P. McMurphy/Jesus Christ like person. That's my absurd fantasy anyway.
When I do get out I would like to travel allot, live in California then France then England then New York. I'd like experience as much as possible, be with both male and female lovers, experiment with lots of psychedelic drugs, and go on playing my guitar, maybe in bands and for different and interesting gigs. I Really want to live a life. My childhood has been very lonely and painful and I hate almost every moment of it.
I'm hardly ever around the opposite sex and have to subsist on a sh*tload of porn and fantasies. I have, like I said, no friends at all and find solace only in movies and music. I’m going a little insane from loneliness, but I try hard to keep myself busy improving myself in what ways I can. I have thought of suicide in the past. I need help.
Is any of it normal? Am I normal? Can someone help me?
I'm in counseling now, the early stages but I’ve been before and feel like I need something else.
Do you think it's normal?
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You say that your dad is the most decent of the bunch - perhaps you could try living with him for a while. Maybe you don't know him well, but at least you get out from under your grandparents. Any kind of change is good. Have you been looking for a job? For independance in your life, you'll need money. Plus, it'll give you a chance to get out and meet people and integrate back into "the machine" of society. Not only that, but if you do go and live with your dad, it may sort of push you into getting some kind of job to give something back and not seem like a deadweight. If your dad has a business or something similar, then that's even better, because you might be able to help out. Or he could in a good word for you somewhere.
If you can't find a job, then there's always volunteering or those temporary jobs around Christmas and things like that. You can find them all on the internet. Anything that can give you experience and keep you busy is excellent. These things can make you better equipped for other jobs and...well, better equipped over all.
I think someone has already mentioned this, but it sounds as though you may have social anxiety (therefore the fear of be around people and low self-esteem.) You could get this or that therapy, but I can't say how helpful that would be. To be honest, I think these things can only really be eased by gaining a foothold in "an adult world" and developing social skills. It's bloody daunting, but you've already taken the first steps.
This place is somewhat helpful: http://www.dailystrength.org/
So once you have the money and more confidence and experience, you can go out there and really live a life. Travel, meet people, play in a band. Really live.
My dad is pretty decent, but he doesn't understand me at all. He's a huge jock and has always been very popular and outgoing and he loved school all the time he was there. He doesn't undertsnd my low self-esteem or my anxiety around people. I think he's very dissapointed in that I didn't go to High School and it's very obvious when I'm around him that he pities me and I think he harbors a lot of contempt for people like me who are socially incompetent. He's very religious and Republican and I haven't discussed with him my bisexuality and I don't think he would dig it at all. I wouldn't want to live with him even if he'd take me at this point.
I've given up on anyone from my family helping me at this point.
I am in counselling, but really I feel that it's my working out and playing music that are lifting me up right now.
It's great that you feel that it's the things that you have chosen to do which are helping you the most. That's what things such as support and counselling are meant to achieve anyway - they're meant to make you able to stand on your own two feet since really, the only person who can really help you is always yourself. As long as you have yourself, you can make it.