Are You Normal?
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I Really Think I'd Be a Good Killer
First of all, I want to make it clear that the tone of this post is serious. I am not secretly seeking praise or advocating violence; rather, I'm truly wondering if it's unhealthy (or even evil) to feel the way I do about killing, in the context of war.
Here goes...
Today I was shown this video, and as I watched it, I grew more and more intrigued with each second. The intensity grew inside of me until I was fanticizing about being in the scene and really, truly longing to join the fight. I felt a distict sense of elation as I imagined killing the Iraqi "insurgents," who may very well be fathers, husbands, etc, in this video, and I experienced a very PURE sense of joy and personal self expression as I imagined shotting these men. Specifically, I felt as though this all-out violence would be one of the most accurate representations of who I really am in my heart.
Importantly, I've never felt like I fit (all the way) in. I've had some semblence of fitting in, so that I've never been a total isolate or a morbidly lonely person, but I was constantly in counseling as a kid; constantly in trouble with authority, constantly butting heads with people in the world around me and constantly harboring a deep, primal propensity for violence. And the reason I mention it is that, as I lived vicariously through the American soldiers in this video clip for the few moments that I spent watching it, I felt a total harmonious alignment of the person I present to the outside world for the sake of getting by and the person that I restrain from second to second because it would be grotesque and wholly immoral to give sway to that side of myself.
Granted, we each ward off our primal urges, according to the common psych text, but I mean that I got a very real sense of excitement, joy, exuberance, team spirit, self expression and power as I considered killing these men; in fact, if you could have seen an MRI image of my brain while I was watching this video, I suspect that the pleasure receptors in my brain would have lit up in a vivid display.
I love the blood. I love the gore. I love seeing these men laying dead in their own body fluids. And I really, truly wish that it was me who'd done it to them; not because I want to defend the causes of liberty, but because, to put it painfully simply, I would just LOVE, ADORE and wholeheartedly RELISH the opportunity to exert myself over my enemies.
I love it when homeboy runs away with his camera, gets shot, falls down, starts mumbling something, flops around a little bit and then dies; only to be followed by the following manifesto: "This is what happens if you fvck with us." And seeing his dead compatriots only makes me want to kill more.
I have to believe that this is not normal.
Here goes...
Today I was shown this video, and as I watched it, I grew more and more intrigued with each second. The intensity grew inside of me until I was fanticizing about being in the scene and really, truly longing to join the fight. I felt a distict sense of elation as I imagined killing the Iraqi "insurgents," who may very well be fathers, husbands, etc, in this video, and I experienced a very PURE sense of joy and personal self expression as I imagined shotting these men. Specifically, I felt as though this all-out violence would be one of the most accurate representations of who I really am in my heart.
Importantly, I've never felt like I fit (all the way) in. I've had some semblence of fitting in, so that I've never been a total isolate or a morbidly lonely person, but I was constantly in counseling as a kid; constantly in trouble with authority, constantly butting heads with people in the world around me and constantly harboring a deep, primal propensity for violence. And the reason I mention it is that, as I lived vicariously through the American soldiers in this video clip for the few moments that I spent watching it, I felt a total harmonious alignment of the person I present to the outside world for the sake of getting by and the person that I restrain from second to second because it would be grotesque and wholly immoral to give sway to that side of myself.
Granted, we each ward off our primal urges, according to the common psych text, but I mean that I got a very real sense of excitement, joy, exuberance, team spirit, self expression and power as I considered killing these men; in fact, if you could have seen an MRI image of my brain while I was watching this video, I suspect that the pleasure receptors in my brain would have lit up in a vivid display.
I love the blood. I love the gore. I love seeing these men laying dead in their own body fluids. And I really, truly wish that it was me who'd done it to them; not because I want to defend the causes of liberty, but because, to put it painfully simply, I would just LOVE, ADORE and wholeheartedly RELISH the opportunity to exert myself over my enemies.
I love it when homeboy runs away with his camera, gets shot, falls down, starts mumbling something, flops around a little bit and then dies; only to be followed by the following manifesto: "This is what happens if you fvck with us." And seeing his dead compatriots only makes me want to kill more.
I have to believe that this is not normal.
Do you think it's normal?
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I forgot to include the video.
Watch at your own risk! Graphic violence!
http://shock.military.com/Shock/videos.do?displayContent=122252&ESRC=marine.nl
plus, adding rock music like that to any video makes it seem cool
Get help or a new passion... ?
I dunno, its scary and deep!!
Your vivid descriptions of the horror of armed combat suggest to me that you are glamorizing the experience. You're not looking at this as a necessary but unpleasant job that must be done; you're looking at it as some kind of Grand Guignol set to rock music. I doubt you would find the real experience quite so exhilarating.
I do not recommend fueling your violent fantasies with videos and literature that stimulate the desire to do harm. Everyone has aggressive impulses from time to time, but you seem to celebrate yours and look forward to bringing them to life. The healthier part of you already knows that feeding these fantasies can lead to serious consequences for yourself and others.
And if it's any consolation, I did join the Army, but as an LPN. :)
For all the people who are saying seek help...
Why don't all of You seek help? In this world we NEED people who Can kill and kill effectively. Not the random serial killer types, but soldiers and cops who will keep your timid liberal asses safe from the people on the Other side who Absolutely Would have NO PROBLEM cutting your heads off.
The poster as much stated that he felt his impulses were not normal. In the context that he was presenting them, I would agree with his assessment. Soldiers kill because they must, not because they glamorize and/or sexualize the experience when they're not even in battle.
And by the way, I'm not a liberal. Are you assuming that everyone who doesn't get off on the idea of wallowing in blood and gore has some kind of specific political agenda? This isn't about politics; it's anti-social tendencies.
Not even to save their own lives or country.
Would I like to put an end to ALL wars and violence and such? Sure.
I would ALSO like to ride a unicorn.
I suspect I am going to be Gravely disappointed in Either of those desires coming true.
At least with the war desire, violence promotes peace for a time.
Tobra
Out of all these respondents, you two remind me most of myself, inasmuch as my first impulse on the topic is to side with October, (let's face it, (s)he has some excellent points), but I'm pleasantly tempered by my more "JanIAm" side, which is probably why I opted to be a nurse.
Killing and changing bed pans.
It's a logical progression. ;)
I enjoyed reading your comments and respect your right to your views. I'm not sure that humankind will ever evolve to the point of being able to do without armed conflict, but it's definitely something to strive for. Meanwhile, we do what we can to survive. I would have to agree that you will never ride your unicorn and I will never have my conflict-free world, though.
if dat hvnt pleased ur pleasure..try eating them...hmm...datll sure satisfy u....
I could never kill some one, BUT I have pictured my self if I was to murder what weapon choice and name I would have. Almost like Clue haha but yeah You should see some one.
I have no creditation, etc to tell you anything to do with your mental state. But as a combat vet of OIF&OEF a few points come to mind and i see this a very serious response. As such some of the points may anger others in here and i'm fine with that
1. go see a shrink (if you can't afford one speak to your local social work office) and ensure that these are simply strong primal urges and not sign of a deeper situation. More than likely they are simply primal urges, we live in a weird day. Back in WWII it wasn't wrong to want to kill the enemy nowadays though CNN and MSNBC want us to believe we should hug them till they give up. But still yet having such strong feelings could be a sign of something deeper so I'd get checked out, find a shrink that isn't some pacifist, be honest with him and see what he says.
2. as an NCO i've seen plenty of newbies with these type of feelings. We grew up on John Wayne, "Platoon," "Saving Private Ryan," "Thin Red Line," and many other movies that have made us one of the numbest of the bast few generations, this coupled with our innate desire to be the meanest toughest m*f'er on the planet can often lead people to desire extreme situations before knowing what it feels like to be a part of that situation (i.e. combat, flying, etc.) at which time your views change alot. When I came in all I wanted to do was kill haji-jihadists before they killed us, now I undersand the importance of combat but trust me when I say the desire quickly diminishes
3. (don't worry I'm fully prepared for the flaming i'll receive for this and no I'm not a recruiter) Make sure your in good physical and mental health, and if you still have the desire to fight for your country (that is what you described) then go find the nearest recruitment station. Talk it out good and take everything with a grain of salt. Figure out what is gonna get boots on your feet and sign a contract it's that simple (well that make it throug basic, AIT, and then try not to get blown up). I say this in all seriousness we need boots on sand and there are plenty of jobs out there that involve killin. Just make ABSOLUTELY certain it's what you want to do and that your ready to make such a committment, and then get off your ass and do it!!
If you know what it feels like because of a crime and can talk w/out making me an accomplice then by all means hit me up cause i've always wanted to talk to a murderer
You've got some serious issues man