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I smacked my wife after she smacked my son and I feel terrible
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35 Comments

We have been married for 6 years and have two boys. The oldest 5 years old. I come from a background where hitting a child is totally unacceptable and hitting a woman is equally unacceptable. We have from time to time arguments over her smacking our 5 year old son when he doesn't want to do what she tells him. She often fights with him like if he is her brother, rather than her being the mother. We often end up having really bad arguments over this and she says that I am taking his side and not helping in him respecting her. This morning he did not want to eat breakfast and was just sitting on the floor, not listening to his mother telling him to eat his food. Suddenly she came from the bedroom with a cloths hanger and she hit him really hard over the legs out of frustration. I totally lost it an took the hanger from her and whacked her back over her hip with the same hanger. It happened so fast I was not able to control my temper and take a calm cause of action. Seeing her hit my son hard just made everything go red. I have never hit her or any woman before and although we have had arguments before, I have never laid a hand on her. I feel extremely bad about this and don't have any excuse for what I have done. At the same time my son saw what happened and he being at his age don't understand and is scared because mum and dad fights. Now my wife has left and I do not know where she has went. I want to ensure that I never loose control this way again. I do not know how to start saying sorry and how to get to sit down and talk about what happened. I love her and I do not want my behavior to break up our marriage. At the same time, I am still angry with her for hitting our son, but that still does not justify smacking her back. What can I do?
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Comments (35)
your wife should be BEATEN with a coat hanger if she thinks its ok to hit a child across the legs with a coat hanger.

i applaud you for hitting her back.

but honestly, i think that what you are talking about, is child abuse. abuse always escalates. in a few years, i wouldnt be surprised to learn that she has beaten one of your children so badly that he or she needs to be hospitalized. if you split up... prove her unfit and take the children. they are not safe with her
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Ollieo
Right on.
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Dude I agree but kids do need discipline. If he's allowed to get away with things he will grow up disrespectful. He needs mild
Punishment E.g. No Xbox for a night or something. Agree?
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Your son will now understand that hitting is wrong, fully. Her hitting him gives the impresion that on some level, hitting is right. Your extream reaction to this has shown him that hitting is something that holds consecuenses and is not ecceptable. In all honesty... I think you did the right thing. Your guilt is natural, but dont be hard on yourself. You was protecting your son from further harm and infact having not acted in such a way would have alloud things to continue as they where. You created change. Now you have to build something from this change. Appologies are definatly in order, but dont let on that you regret your actions or that she diddnt deserve what was comeing to her. Although she is a woman, sex is no excuse to action. One thing for sure, you did a good thing. Yes, you could have just thrown her out while disarming her. Everyone makes mistakes... "Everyone" Like mtnw sugested, a therapist may need to be involved into the picture. Good luck.
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ThadB
I never understood why some people think it's so unacceptable to hit a woman/child. It's unacceptable to hit anyone of any race, gender, or age.
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well, after the fact, it's easy to see how everyone was wrong here. you are not alone in getting out of control, happens to many people.

we have a no hitting policy in our home, and luckly no one has ever lost their temper to the point of what happened to you.

no doubt, your wife uses slapping regularly, and you just happened to be there to witness it this time.

i suppose the first thing you need to do is to find out where she is. probably your in-laws is a good place to start, or her friends. even before you contact her, maybe finding a therapist is in order. it will serve you well whether she decides to come back or not. if she comes back, then at some point she can join the therapy and her slapping/hitting issues can be addressed also. if she chooses not to come back, you addressing this problem immediately will work well with the courts in case this comes to separation or divorce. if your wife is so very hurt by getting hit with the hanger, now she knows how the little boy feels. too bad you went for the face, though.

this is a big fuck up, and you are going to have to work hard to fix it. best of luck to you.
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Ollieo
@: mtnw
"too bad you went for the face," ... I think he said hip, not lip.
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@: Ollieo
i stand corrected. lip would be bad. but if it's just the hip, jeeeez, she hardly has a complaint the way i see it.
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I think all of you (the family) needs to go talk to someone. I mean I do believe in some perental control over their kids to an dagree. But I think she is wrong too.
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Helping your wife in the future would prevent her from getting frustrated. Don't be an absent father...you said he wasn't listening to his mother so YOU should have stepped up and helped her.
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she thinks it is perfectly okay for her to whack her own child with a coat hanger over something as RIDICULOUS as that, but that its worth leaving you over if you instinctually retaliate because you see your kid getting hurt (yet still show remorse after, unlike her). what a fucking bitch.
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If I whacked any of my children with an object I'd expect to get a whack back. Ok u shouldn't have reacted in front of the child but she was in the wrong by using something other than her hand. You say you only hit her on this one occasion and are remorseful, so I wouldn't worry too much about you turning into a wife batterer.
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It had to happen. Your wife seems to be one of those people who will never listen to words. She hit your son, you went nuts, where's the big deal? I would do the same thing.
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Your marriage is over. try to move on.
It'll never work with you two.
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It's okay to spank your kids if you tried everything, from talking and explaining. I'm not saying beat them up, but just a little smack. I was and I turned out fine. But for you hitting your wife, that wasn't good, even if she started, your still in the wrong and especially in front of your son, not good.
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a punishment should be verbal. no hitting, else your kid will grow up to hit :S
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dwe
@: gnome
I agree with this. Psychologically valid.
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Children need to be spanked or popped in the mouth not beat up or hit, there's a difference. I was and I'm fine, it's not weird my man. As for you hitting your wife, that's a no go.
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Ollieo
You reacted on impulse at the frightening spectacle of her abusing your child with a coat hanger! You lost it, said you are sorry to her & feel genuine remorse, as you should.

I can not in all honesty say I might not have reacted the same way. Her going to town on him with a coat hanger!?! Child abuse.

The main thing is you stopped it and protected your child. Its time to take that a step further & get parenting help for your wife so that you are on the same page. Also, its time for marital.

She may rightly resent being hit. But I do not see how she can milk that for much under the circumstances you describe. 2 wrongs. Make it right by getting at the underlying marital/parenting issues & stresses.

Start calling around for help now.
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In my opinion, this environment isn't a very safe place to bring up your child.

For sure, it's not okay to hit children like that! Maybe a spank would be okay but if you're so violent as to use a weapon (legs of coat hanger in this case) that would be justified as child abuse.

It really isn't your fault for protecting your son from a violent mother. You both should check in with a therapist/counselor. Especially the mother, she needs to be taught that hitting her child is NOT okay. There are better ways to discipline your child, violence doesn't solve anything.

Good luck to you.
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My dad abused me, and I always think hitting is wrong. Good luck man, and j had to say, you dud the right thing, 2 wrongs make a right.
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That is so wrong. So she get the right to leave after you hit her,but your son has to suffer at home with her abuse. Heck no you reacted out of protective instinct. I had a situation happen to me like that before. My daughter let the dogs loose and they tore up there food bag. Dog food was everywhere.Hub was drunk and he chased my 4 year old down the hall way and call her a bi*$%*. I turned konfu phyco mom on his azz and pushed him and put my daughter behind me. Yeah I left that day !!! He learned his lesson to threaten our kids never did it again =)
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You were protecting your son, that's all that matters, because your wife will obviously not listen.
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It's really not normal that your wife hits your son. If I were you I would have done the exact same thing.
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sounds like you both need to call a baby sitter smoke a couple joints have a few beers some good make up sex maybe you could hit her during the sex since it seems like your into that just kidding but the truth of the matter is some times bitches and children need to get hit not over the little things like not eating breakfast but over big things like hitting your child for no reason you know what im sayin
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it's never ok discipline hitting yo ur child. That doesn't send out the right signals to your child. I come from a child hood of abuse. DIdn't do me so good. Your wife sounds like she feels like maybe she doesn't know what to do/ anger problems. Your wife asks for respect, no one gets that by beating up people right? Respect is earned. And of course your taking your sons side. I would. She doesn't hold a very stable ground. You sound like you would have beautiful disciplinary skills. try them out. Maybe your kids wont have a smacked face, butt, wire marks on his legs, so on. He can have a happy child hood.
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Call or text her and apologize and tell her that from now on if your son doesn't listen to her that you will tell him he has to listen to her every time until he starts listening. You have to try to talk things out with her for your families sake... And you should honestly start telling your son to listen to his mother... If you don't he will never listen to her and he will most likely start arguing with her and probably start screaming at her when he doesn't like something within the next couple of years. Boys look up to their fathers and after a while of the father telling him to listen to his mother he will start listening to her naturally
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Don't only look at what's happening today... Try to see/imagine what will happen in the long run... Your wife would stop hitting your son and your son will start listening to his mother... It will make everyone happy
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The reason you hit her is because you were never made to control your temper or tantrums. Just like your son isn't being disciplined he too will likely grow up and hit a woman. You should be ashamed of yourself. You actually hit a female? I've been hit by a female before and I really wanted to hit her back, but luckily I have been conditioned not to act solely on my emotions. You aren't any better than her. Ethically you are worse, you are creating another monster for society by not disciplining your child. You really let a child back talk an adult who is telling him to do something rational?

Ok she hit his legs... his legs! Had she taken her fist and punched him in the face that is completely different. Just because your parents didn't do something doesn't make it right. There is a huge difference between abusing a child and classically conditioning one. Look long term how well disciplined people live. Noticed I didn't say abused, but people with discipline. I am very thankful my parents whipped me when I was acting irrational. I'm not even saying you have to whip, I'm just saying it works and you are insecure for hitting a grown woman who has the capacity to reason, unlike a child who by nature, is not usually capable of reason.
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I applaud you my Goode sir. Heck! If it had been me and I witnessed what she did, I would have gone Joan Crawford on her ass and given her a good slap to. I suggest that you get a lawyer and take your son to a child therapist who specialises in child abuse. You need to have professionals on your side incase that piece of filth decides to pull something.
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Abuse! Go with yourself to prison!
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Sorry but u hitting her out of anger was just like her hitting ur son out of uncontollable anger. I hope ur son did not see this because this gives him 2 messages, first it is okay to hit your wife/a girl and 2nd that dad will over ride moms decisions. Sounds like u both made huge mistakes but ur reaction blew it up to a whole other level that probably upset ur son emtionally
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If i were her id smash your face in
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I would rephrase your question the following ways:
1. IIN to contradict my wife in raising my child YES, but do so constructively
2. IIN to negate my wifes efforts to raise our kid NO, it is counterproductive to do this.
3. IIN for kids to frustrate parents YES, very normal.
4. IIN for parets to whack kids when they are frustrated YES, and in my humble opinion, it is sometimes required from them.
5. IIN for daddies to whack mommies who wack kiddies NO, and it is counterproductive to raising your kid, or having a trusting relationship with your wife.
6. IIN to rationalize my behavior by checking on a website if it is normal YES, but you have to be aware that you are applying a mechanism of defense, as opposed to a constructive dialog with your wife.
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Ollieo
Child abuse - hitting a child across the legs with a coat hanger - is normal? You're nuts.
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