My father was abusive towards me almost since I remember, verbally, psychologically. To the extent that I messed up my life, maybe trying to find happiness somewhere else, or maybe trying to get his attention. The crazy thing is that I still need to feel and believe that he really loves me and supports me, but in reality he still as cold and cruel as before. It seems he hates me, etc. The problem is that I can't get over it, and have not done anything productive with my life, suffering deep depression for more than 20 yrs., my life is a mess, like I am sort of still expecting his approval and unconditional love and support. To make it worse, I am now 40 yrs old. It's a terrible dependence that has undermined my self-confidence, and driven me to life-long depression. I have not been able to realize my dreams and projects, so I want to know if it is really just a cowardly excuse not to live my life, or is there really something wrong with me related to what I think is this trauma?