Im an artist and i used to be a meth user. The art I did during the period of my drug use is my most popular work, but I feel detached from it, people see it and say wow you're so talented but I almost feel like I cheated, like a sportsman who took a performance enhancing drug. The work comes from a very dark place and I was a different person at the time I did it so it doesn't feel like mine anymore.
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And if you feel like it's cheating to use drugs to enhance one's work, do yourself a favor and take all your records and CDs and mp3 players and smash them. Because many of the greatest musicians of our recent history have been in part inspired by their altered states.
I don't think the artwork I do when I'm high or tripping is any less mine or any less credible than the work I do sober. If I was unable to do my art sober, then I would worry that I had a problem. (For reference I smoke weed, Ill do acid or shrooms or e from time to time, drink occasionally and ive tried coke a few times. thats basicaly my drug experience)
Hmm, how long ago was it since you've been clean? I feel like with more distance from the bad times the easier it gets, though I get the feeling you're older than I am. Im 22 and Ive had some bad experiences in my life, in childhood and then my late teen years. I'm only about a year outside of the last bad thing to have happened, but thanks to a few good friends, a good counselor and support from my family and SO the memories are getting easier to cope with already. It's getting easier by degrees to see rape scenes or rape jokes in television. And its going much faster than I thought... honestly I sort of expected I would have been more fucked up for longer.
I've just recently started doing some artwork related to what happened to me; I don't know if I'd sell any of it but I know I want it to be a gallery display.. something I can use to reach out to other victims.
Basically the point I'm trying to make is it might just not be time yet... Healing time is different for everyone and I have a very limited idea of what you went through, but our minds and bodies are pretty damn resiliant. History has plenty of examples of that. :)
And Ill have to look up Bill Hicks. I know I've heard of him but I'm not extremely familiar.
Sorry it took me a minute to get back to this, sometimes my notices get weird or I'm browsing on my phone and forget things. :)