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IIN that husband deleted texts after I snooped due to a suspicion?
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26 Comments

I noticed recently that my husband sometimes closed his phone screen when I came near, and one time I saw the name Tammi- a name he has never mentioned (that I recall). I (shamefully) looked at their texts and discovered they had been talking for a month and met at a bar once, when he visited his hometown recently. It turns out she is the sister of one of his closest friends, from childhood. The text content was pretty innocent, except some playful teasing kind of bothered me.
The night they went out to the bar, they stayed out til midnight. The next morning I texted with him, and he never mentioned it.
Two days ago I admitted that I looked at his phone and questioned him about it, and he said it was just a night catching up with a friend, who he says is like a sister to him. She is married as well. I want to believe it was innocent. But it bothers me that he didn't tell me before or after the fact. I don't really think he physically cheated, but I feel like it's an emotional kind of cheating. We talked it out and set some boundaries.
The next day, I remembered that in part of their texts they talked about doing some voice messaging (talkbox), and so I asked my husband to let me listen to these. He told me he deleted most of the content of his phone, because he felt like he couldn't trust me to not snoop again. Is that normal for an innocent man to delete texts?
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Comments (26)
If I was cheating and my wife checked my phone, I would delete my messages. If I wasn't cheating and my wife checked my phone, I would also delete my messages because I hate snoopers and I get paranoid about people seeing even innocent things if I didn't intend them for their eyes. I don't think the deleting of the texts is evidence against him

... but...

I do think there is plenty enough evidence against him anyway. Don't get hung up on the fact that he deleted the texts, just look at all the evidence. He flirted with her, met up with her behind your back and they stayed out until midnight together. Those are the indisputable facts, you decide whether or not that sounds like he's been cheating.

How about you try and find the woman (if it's possible)? Have a chat with her, and see if anything seems suspicious.
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@: dom180
This.
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she would have no reason to be insecure if her husband wasn't giving her a reason to doubt his word .. it isn't rocket science !
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exactly! Finally someone has common sense lol
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Let's not get hooked up whether it was right for you to go through his phone or not - he's either cheated, cheating or going to cheat. If you hadn't found those messages, he would have sealed the deal with Tammi as soon as she let him. He will already have let Tammi know that he nearly got busted and to be more careful. I am a seasoned, serial ex-cheater. When a cheater is confronted, the very first tactic to deploy is the deflection. 'You shouldn't be looking through my phone' etc. They will harp on about a lack of trust. Its all a deflection. Which is worse - looking at your husband's phone, which shouldn't be a problem, or meeting a girl when out of town behind your back? Do the math. You've never heard of her, yet she is supposed to be 'like a sister' to him? I call BS!
Sorry but you know it's true.
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@: Pace
I second the last part of what Pace said ^^^^^^ I never thought of that. If she's like a sister to him, why haven't you heard of her, and why is he meeting her without you knowing?
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Watch out. Men are totally sneaky...and he'll delete JUST enough to where it looks bad but not enough for u to overreact about it even though they are probably totally being unfaithful...super sorry! But u didn't do anything wrong. That jackass that said u were wrong for sneaking, fuck them. People are devious and fucked up. And if u don't find out for urself u may end up being gullible and used.
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it's the while principle, you're insecure and went through his phone and invaded his privacy. It doesnt matter if an innocent man deletes his texts or not because you shouldnt be going through it in the first place. You sound weak and insecure, grow up and stop being soo jealous like you're in fucking highschool.
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@: mixwell
although, look what she found. he was being sneaky, and found evidence. I think it was okay for her to do that because I know plenty of GUYS who do the same shit. and guess what? Something is always found. At least she now knows what's going on, good for her!
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1000yrVampireKing
STOP SNOOPING THROUGH HIS PHONE! No one likes when you look through their shit. I hate people doing this to me and it does not make anyone feel very safe. It makes them paroniod and untrusting
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he is one hundred percent lying i will guarantee you this .. if it was nothing as he claims then he has no reason to be secretive or delete/hide anything from you .. your instinct is called your instinct for a reason .. go with it !
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1. I do think that there's a high possibility that he's been cheating. The fact that he wouldn't tell you before you asked and when you confronted him he deleted these "chats"; all this is very suspicious.
2. Regardless of your suspicions, you had no right to go through his phone. That is his private property. He now feels that he can't trust you. He will probably take more security measures on his phone to ensure his privacy now.
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If someone snooped through my stuff, I might lie and say I had deleted messages just to piss them off. Probably not, but I'd think about it.
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My god you insecure bitches. Nothing ever comes good of snooping. Either you find nothing and if your partner finds out you break the trust, or he doesn't find out and you either find stuff or just ASSume things about it that aren't true and either confront him / breaking the trust, or just go on with the misinterpreted statements you read.
Maybe if you were a better more secure girlfriend/wife, then the man wouldn't need to go seek attention else where (If that's even what they're doing).
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I had never snooped before, and felt like I had a good reason to. He said he even could understand why I would. I should have just asked him who he was texting though.
As far as nothing good comes out of snoopin, I think our relationship is going to be better than ever now. Before this, we kinda did our own thing, were disconnected, didn't bring up stuff that was bothering us, etc. We had a two hour heart to heart (that has never happened before) and now I understand him to such an extent that I know that he didn't cheat.
BUT, I will never snoop again, 1. because I now know him better and trust him and 2. Our relationship might not recover if I did it a second time. Oh, and by the way, thanks for calling me a bitch. That really makes your comments seem credible.
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Don't take it personally, my comment wasn't directed specifically at you, but in general at the vast majority of females.
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You are being extremely sexist. Males do this too, trust me...I have known more males who snoop than females! Don't even start lol. People like you are quite ignorant, sorry
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@: foxyk
I'm not being ignorant, and I'm not saying all females are like this, just saying that most of the females that i know personally are like this. But yes, I have something against females and the severe irrationality that comes with them. I just hope one day I will find one of the few rational ones.
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I think that you were right to go through his phone to discover what he is trying to hide. You have a right to know what going on in your husband's life and remember that most people who are answering this post are teenagers who have no experience of a serious relationship.

In my opinion you should confront your husband and tell him about your doubts. I can't say if he cheated or not but it's sure there's something going on that shouldn't be.

Good luck :)
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Until you can prove otherwise i think you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

He probably deleted those messages because he knew how you'd react.

Or maybe you should give him moar sex so he isn't looking somewhere else for it.

If things are rough at home or you are constantly nagging it could be that you are losing him.

Thats no excuse to cheat on you if he is.

Talk it out like adults don't jump to conclusions.
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I agree with your first statement, and this is what I decided to do.

As far as sex, I have always been the one that wants it more frequently.

And he would be the first to say that I am not a nagger, and give him plenty of space and freedom.

We had a lengthy heart to heart (which never happens) and identified that there was a disconnect between us, and we need to talk more often. Thanks for input!
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I hate being in relationships with people who think they have the right to look through my things. It absolutely infuriates me because I am a very private person sometimes. After I found out my ex was looking through my phone while I was asleep, I started deleting the messages as sort of a "fuck you". Even though there was nothing wrong with what was on my phone, chances are he'd find something to start a fight about and I don't have the time for something so childish. One time he actually threw my phone across the room and nearly broke it because I was talking to an old friend of mine and he was jealous.

Give him his space, relationships aren't about telling each other about every detail of your lives, they are about loving and trusting each other. If you act like you think he's cheating, he might end up feeling like you don't trust him and he might find the company of someone who does.
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Whether he cheated or not he has still created the situation where you do not trust him through deception. Over react and throw him out of the house and see how much effort he puts into making it up to you, then you will have your answer because if he puts effort in then yeah he cheated or at least feels he did something wrong, if he believes he is innocent of all wrong doing then he won't apologise.
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I think there's nothing wrong with snooping once in a while. If you have reason to. If you were wrong then shame on you, and if you were right then you may have saved yourself from heartache later on. I was suspicious of my ex, had never snooped before, and checked his phone bills. Found out he'd been cheating on me for years. If I hadn't snooped if still be with him now with him doing that to me. So it did me a favour. If someone hasn't got anything to hide then there shouldn't be a problem
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I snooped at my boyfriend of 4years phone last year, and i got completely paranoid. Although sometimes u have to snoop and i would of done the same in ur situation. I know my boyfriend doesnt fancy anyone else and i also know he can be flirty with other girls. But this doesnt always meab he fancies them. If you feel confident about urself and how you are in the relationship then there is no need to worry about these other girls. My boyfriend deleted all messages when i snooped because i violated his privacy but i know he wasnt cheating but he was just wary of me.
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FOLLOW HIM O.O It's like being a stalker, except your his wife, so it's kind of ok. Get a girlfriend in on it and stalk together lol It'll put your mind at rest atleast. I'd hate to feel that way to, and the quickest way to feel better is to find some evidence. If there was no reason to raise suspicion, i'd tell you to let it go, but in this case, it's really 50/50. So why not just get it over with and follow him next time he's going out with her? Or, you could explain to him it makes you uncomfortable and that you'd like him to tell you when he's going out to see her and such.
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