I got out of a crappy marriage with a dead beat, dated around for a while and fell in love with mr. right, we had a wonderful time and I was finnaly enjoying life; I felt I had wasted alot of my years (17-23) playing mommy/house wife to a deadbeat, now I had an actual partner in life who made me happier than I ever felt I could be. Then for some reason I thought I needed a child; Im not sure if it was hormones from pregnant co-workers or just a whim, but I got pregnant. I actually tried, but when the test read positive I freaked, I wanted to take it all back, I wasnt ready for this, what had I gotten myself into?? Now we are barely making it pay check to paycheck, I went back to work and got off unemployment, but the extra money goes into daycare, I make too much according to the state to recieve any help, only medical for the kid. I hardly ever get to see my boyfriend anymore, let alone have any money to go out and do anything. He is a wonderful little boy, grates the nerves but what child doesn't? I threw my life away, I love something that is killing me. I dont know what to do, I know I could NEVER live with myself if I got rid of him, but sometimes I hate him so much for taking my happy life away.... It also pains me to even know that I feel this way, I'm a horrible mother and will probably rot in Hell.
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none of us ever really know when we choose a mate if it will be a good or bad, so don't beat yourself up about the first guy.
check out if there are any stay at home moms in the neighborhood that are willing to watch your little one for less than day care costs, or do you have family that could help with that?
things will get easier once he starts school. after school care should cost less. in fact, check out your local community centers, usually partly funded by county taxes. lots of them have programs for reduced rate day care. also, sign up for wic and any other programs you find available. mayby you qualify for food stamps or section 8 housing. there are programs out there to help.
in the meantime, know that you are not a bad mother. you will get through this.
You're not horrible, if that was the case, you would have already did something about it. You've kept him and even tried asking for help, even if it IS to a random site. I think you are too stressed. It's normal, and keep loving him.
Soon, I will be one of those parents so I feel for you as well as myself on this issue. Just do the best that you can with what you have and things should be fine.