In love with a man 30 years my senior

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In love? You mean you have a crush on him.

in love? you mean tricked? your story is not unique...men are really good at being two faced. so, he showed you a nice persona, made you think that he was this wonderful guy - sweet caring charming, creative, funny, intelligent - and I imagine that maybe his marrige is no longer close, is that right? his wife is sometimes distant, they dont have sex like they used to, they dont talk like they used to, etc etc blah blah...and now you are the sweet young woman who has waltzed into his life like a ray of sunshine, makes him laugh, who he feels he can really talk to, and really understands him... don't buy it, its all an act. He has seduced you. He is playing both you and his wife for fools. And for god's sake, please do not do anything impulsive! Your first priorities are yourself, and his wife. This lying cheating manipulative sack of shit, and his needs, come last, do you understand me?? YOU AND YOUR FELLOW FEMALE COME FIRST. That is the way you must think and what you are going to do will follow from that.

we have a femi-nazi amongst us, females unite.

If he's married...leave it alone. That should be enough. If he says he's happy or not..that should be your clue. Married men or women are OFF LIMITS!

totaly right tell him to leave u alone and find someone who actualy loves you !!!

I'm glad to hear you say "Maybe it's not normal but I really don't care." Wow. Awesome!

So...does he know you love him? Does he return your feelings? Do you believe he returns your feelings in secret?

I spent four years (ages 16-20) in love with a man above 50. I never told him, but I'm sure he knew SOMETHING was happening with me. I never found out whether he loved me or not, but I'm sure that if he did, it was different from how I loved him. Those were depressing years, but...I'm not ashamed of them at all.

Those of you saying a married man should be left alone...yes, it's reasonable to expect a young person to stay out of the man's bed. But refusing to be in love with someone takes way more than willpower. Often it takes time. Time to find other interests, time to grow and learn to love yourself unconditionally, to a point where you need no one else to love you.

It can help to seek therapy. Be careful when choosing a professional. Stay away from anyone who uses value-judgment words like "not okay". My therapist scolded me for my behavior revolving around the woman I'm currently in love with (I'm in my early twenties and she's in her mid-thirties). Not only do I still wish I could be this woman's daughter or sister, not only do I still struggle with the line between fantasy and reality, but I've also struggled with terrible, terrible guilt. I heard my therapist tell me I wasn't a good-enough client, that I was shirking my responsibility to change, that I was making no progress and it was all my fault. I also heard from her that my being in love with an older woman was something to be ashamed of. I lost my academic luster, because I was too depressed to study, eat, or do the basics. I've stopped going to therapy and have relied on medication. I'm surviving, for sure, but I'm violently prone to mood swings. Some days I can get nothing done at all, I'm so worried or sad or angry at myself.

So...yeah. Do some therapist-shopping before settling on one. It's like buying a house or choosing a college. Value judgments aren't helpful at this point. When you're near death by starvation, whether it's good or evil to steal some bread really doesn't matter.

I think the issue here is power imbalance. We're attracted to people in high positions or age groups or both. And/or we assign power to them. We willingly make ourselves servants. Maybe we were never taught we were worthy of being autocratic queens? Or we're afraid of our true power. Whatever the case, blaming others and shaming yourself are counter-productive. Blaming and shaming are defense mechanisms that act as numbing agents. They only discourage real understanding of the situation. Maybe the man is a wife-hating misogynistic loser, or maybe he's done nothing wrong at all. Does that matter at this point? Really, this isn't about the man or his wife. This is about you. This is YOUR life. At this point, you owe nothing to anyone but yourself. Concentrate on getting well and on loving yourself and taking care of yourself and treating yourself like the queen you deserve to be. Let the other stuff come when it's ready.

-Elaine

take your eyes off him before its too late, while opportunities pass you, youll never have him because hes married, and for christ sake hes 30 years older than you!!! thats the kinda stuff that movies make fun of

If he is married, then his wife is probably in love with him too. She probably feels the way you do about him, and is probably worried someone would like her husband and take him away.

Leave the man alone. If he's married, then that's that. When a man leaves a woman for another, that just proves a point. My brother left his first wife for another lady, and he's done the same things almost 4 times now. Once a guy leaves a wife for another woman, then you will forever have to worry about the "other woman" taking him away from you.

Especially if he's 30 years older than you, it isn't worth it. Stop now before its too late.