I am 30 and female. I strive on being perfect and help people all the time. I go to church every Sunday and try to do the right things. Everybody loves me. Except when I am in a close relationship, I can be mean, unforgiving and manipulative. I don't want to be around people who have problems as they bring me down. I want to be only around those who give me positive feedback and have a positive outlook on the future, not with someone who always complains about their ills or problems. Especially family. I have severe irritable bowel syndrome so I don't want to be around anyone or anything that makes me feel stressed or ill. But unless others do exactly what I say I push them out of my life as they are not good for me, including my mother and my boyfriend of more than five years. Is this the right thing to do? Am I normal or just a heartless, mean, manipulative person as my brother says I am?
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"help people all the time" // "don't want to be around people who have problems"
"strive on being perfect// "mean, unforgiving and manipulative"
"Except when I am in a close relationship"//"including my mother and my boyfriend of more than five years"
"not with someone who always complains about their ills or problems"//"I have severe irritable bowel syndrome... makes me feel stressed or ill"
There's a few other discrepancies but whatever. I'm no professional, but lady, you need help. Of course you won't get it because you think your the hottest shit on the planet. BUT I digress. Don't have kids, you will hate them and they will hate you.
In the same breath, you said you go to church every Sunday. How did you get there? Did you walk or did you thoughtlessly get in your automobile, and waste valuable resources we will all need in the near future?
Practically speaking, what did going to church accomplish to help people?
And of course you want to surround yourself with good influences. That's the smart thing to do. But you can't control everything and everybody. You can't be everyone's hero and you can't be perfect. Such is the problem of being a human.
From what you've written it sounds a bit like you only want to associate with your family when it's "good times". And when it's bad times you don't have the time of day for them because it's "stressful".
I mean sure if illness is really flaring up because of stress that's one thing, but if it's used as a reason to ditch family cos you don't want to be bothered when they're not all rainbows and sunshine... I can see how that would come off as being selfish.
If your so religious then why do you manipulate mercilessly? You know a god-fearing individual does not seek to make others do everything they want them to, and if they don't then deceive them verbally.
Ask yourself: Would Jesus forgive you? Does "Jesus" manipulate people? You got your answer.
IIN to be religious but unable to be sorry for being mean?
Yes, it is normal to be a walking contradiction young woman.
Expect to fail and be let down. It's good to have this in your at times so you grow and learn from it. Relax a little. I don't say put up with constant bs but let little things go.. No ones perfect! Good luck