My BMI's just below 19 but I desperately want it to be 16 or under. I've had anorexia in the past, but I can eat now, so it's not like I have an eating disorder. Food still preoccupies my thoughts though, all the time. I know about bulimia but I feel ashamed saying I have that, because people with bulimia are ill, and I don't feel ill, I just have habits of making myself sick after meals and using laxatives to make up for occasional binge eating. I don't want to go and see anybody about "bulimia" because I don't want to waste anyone's time, and I know that when people look at me they think I'm fat, so they wouldn't believe me anyway. I make myself sick if I eat a normal size meal, it's not just with bingeing. Every now and then though I wake up and can't stop thinking about food until I eat, and need to binge. It's like I lose control when I eat. I'll be thinking to myself "I'll stop in a minute" but it seems impossible, it's like I lose control. I don't know what to do, I've tried to stop so many times but can't. It feels like it won't ever go away and it's pushing me towards the thought of suicide. Is it normal to feel like this? I'm 18, I don't know if it's just some insecurity thing at my age.