It would be nice to hear a joke to brighten my day. I like Chuck Norris ones also. Please tell a joke.
Are You Normal?
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Is It Normal?
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I got somethin' I bet you never seen before" And then the bartender said, "Well I don't know, I've seen a lot of things." So the man put a little pet carrier on the bar, opened it, and then a 12-inch tall man walked out.
Then the man placed a miniature grand piano on the bar. The 12-inch man started playing it. The bartender was amazed and asked, "Where'd you get that?!" The man replied, "There's a genie who will grant you any one wish you have. He's just next door" So the bartender went to the genie and the genie agreed to grant him one wish.
The man wished for, "A million bucks" The genie then nodded and 1 million ducks started falling from the sky. The bartender went back to his bar to talk to the man who owned the 12-inch man. The bartender said, "Man, I think that genie's hard of hearing or something. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks" The man replied,
"Well duh he's hard of hearing! Did you think I went in there and wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies:
'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit.'
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
The Holocaust.
A true Lolocaust, if you want.
ohhh she hit them with, her 10 cent pistol and they'll never be the sammee
-- Oh, excuse me, I wasn't paying attention, I was looking for my wife.
-- Man, yeah! It's a big ass store! I'm looking for mine, too. Perhaps you've seen her. She is tall, thin yet curvy, long lustrous brown hair, naturally tanned skin, green eyes and has the longest legs you'll ever see. Oh, and she's wearing a white minidress and nude heels.
-- Uuh... No, no I haven't seen her.
-- What's your wife look like? I'll keep my eyes open.
-- To hell with mine, let's go look for yours!!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.
Run, Nora, they found you!
Chuck Norris once made a penny flinch.
I have other jokes but you said liked Chuck Norris so there you go.
who's limericks always ended on line three.
I don't know why.
Allistralla
"No thanks" the photon replies "I'm travelling light"
Barium.
"Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Barman says, "Why the big pause?"
Quack!
Because he was playing with a cheetah
So you have three men in line at the gate. The first one is up and St. Peter asks him, "How did you die?"
The man says "Well, I have had this suspicion that my wife has been cheating on me while I was at work, so I come home and go into the bedroom. She's shocked that I'm early and I just knew that he was still there. I go look out the window and see this prick hanging from my balcony. So I go on, I grab the fridge, and I drop it on him and smile as I hear him crush on the ground underneath it's weight. Then I had a heart attack from lifting the fridge."
"Ok" said St.Peter, "go on in. Next?"
The second man approached him and told his story. "Well, I was working out on my balcony when I tripped over a piece of equipment and fell two stories before grabbing hold of a balcony below. A man came outside and I screamed for help, and he just went back inside. Next thing I know, he's dropped a fridge on me and I'm here."
"Go on in", said St.Peter, "next?"
The third man approached him and said "so I was fucking this dude's wife and I hid in the fridge when I heard him coming through the door..."
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
decomposing.
1 said "woo hoo ha ha woo hoo ha ha hoo",
the other said "why not put some cold in"
1 said "Damn, it's hot in here."
the other said "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
"You have freed me and as a reward I will grant you three wishes, but be warned for whatever you wish for, every blonde in the world gets double that," says the Genie.
The very vindictive girl then says "Fine, for my first wish I want a million dollars." The genie granted her wish and then every blonde got two million dollars.
The girl became very angry and then said "I wish for a brand new car." The genie then made a car appear out of thin air, and then gave every blonde in the world two new cars.
The very angry girl finally had enough with blondes and then looked around and saw a stick on the floor. She then pointed to the stick and told the genie "see that stick, I wish you would beat me half to death with it."
That's to funny!!!!!!
He then goes home and hangs himself.
Little student: Your tits?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
To get to the other side.
A train!
That's right "firetruck."
The man downs the whiskey like it's nothing. He then walks down to the cave. While he's in there, the chief can hear the great struggle taking place. There's yelling, growling, and the sounds of bones being broken.
The man comes back out with a broken arm, black eye, and scratches on his chest. He goes to the chief and says,"Now where's that old lady's teeth I need to pull out?"
I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
Two blondes walk into a bar, you think the second one would have seen it coming.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, because Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
A stick.
A golden retriever.
one day the farmer is on his tractor when it runs out of fuel, calles the bee and it comes,the farmer explains what is wrong so the bee goes away, a few minets later a hole swarm o bees comes and goes in the engine then they leave.
the farmer starts the engine and it works,
-how did you do that?- he asks
-well.. bee-pee- the bee awnsers.
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A stick.
kill his family.
why did the boy fall off his bike?
he got hit by a bus.
why was the little girl crying?
she was in the middle of getting raped.
-i think i am a dog...
-- really? Since when you think that?
-since i was a little puppy
O,Q
quack
bu dum shsh
The bartender asks "what's with the steering whell in your pants?"
The pirate says "Arrg! It's driving me nuts!"
3 guys were talking
" i have the most little head in the world
" and me...the most little nose in the world "
" and me,the most little penis in the world...
They all went to guiness records and after the consultation they talk:
" i told you i have the most little head"
" yes,me too...the most little nose"
" well...someone knows who is justin bieber??"