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Living a Lie
51% Normal
11 Comments

I'm 28, married, 4 kids. I was raised in a very conservative, religious environment. About three years ago my religious/political beliefs reversed completely. I am now liberal, atheist, secular humanist, materialist, rationalist, etc.

However, my wife is the only person who knows this about me. I have continued to maintain the appearance of my former beliefs to all of my coworkers, friends, and family members. I feel powerless to change the circumstances I find myself in (i.e. get a new job in a more liberal part of the country) because of wife, kids, and mortgage. And I am afraid to reveal my true beliefs to anyone around me for fear that I will be shunned.

We all put up a facade to some degree. No one is completely honest about who they are to everyone they come in contact with, all the time. That's normal.

But is it normal to live a lie to this degree with nearly everyone in my life? My own parents and siblings have no idea that I'm an atheist or that I'm pro-choice. My best friend from high school has no clue that I'm no longer religious, or that I voted for Kerry.

I keep thinking that someday I'll move to a big city or a "blue state" and make new friends, and then I'll be able to live with integrity and be honest about my beliefs and opinions. But who knows if that day will ever come? Right now I constantly feel deceptive and duplicitous, only able to express my true beliefs behind a pseudonym on anonymous Internet message boards. In real life, I'm living a lie.

Is this normal?
Do you think it's normal?
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Comments (11)
Anonymous
2005-06-14 11:55:34
Normal?...probably, but definitely not good for your mental health. I also have "lived a lie". I finally said fuck it, either they love me for who I am or they don't. Sometimes my family will make snide remarks or make me feel inferior, but then I just think about all the things they have chosen in their life, and I chuckle. I don't like or approve of some of their choices, but that's ok, it doesn't make me care about them any less. The perception people have of you is constantly changing based on your actions and beliefs.....so waht, they'll get over it...or they won't.
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Alone (175)
2005-06-14 17:45:50
I am also atheist. Tell your family. If they don't except it they are very closed minded and not supporting. I hate my family and wouldn't care if they shunned me for something, except for my mom. But you seem to like yours so just tell them and hope they'll accept it. Keep in touch with them and explain yourself. If they love you they will listen
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Bumfighter (264)
2005-06-17 17:43:27
@: Alone
God, that is a good description of my life. I remember once arguing with a better educated individual that homosexuality was "unnatural". Not exactly something a Marxist-Socialist likes to look back on :) Anyway, all of my coworkers are convinced that I am a sweet little mormon kid, so they confide all of their staunchly conservative ideals in me. After about the second time of one of my coworkers bashing the socialist medicine system, I almost launched into a ranting and raving lecture on how capitalism is an enemy of all people but those that use the system to victimize the weak. Thankfully, we all share the interest of being pro-gun. However, I do find the fact that they generally want to shoot people of different races unsettling compared to my "wrestle power from the state by arming the masses". I don't know if this is normal or not, but I just had to comment.
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aoeuid (376)
2005-06-21 00:07:38
Ouch. Good luck with that. You might wanna check out the book "Losing Faith in Faith"... it tells the story of a man who went from being a preacher to being an atheist, and how he dealt with the people in his life's reactions to this change.
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vriesea (516)
2005-06-30 13:14:25
@: aoeuid
Being someone of a fairly religious and conservative bent, if my brother lost faith and radically changed his opinions I'd want to know, because I love him. I'm sure you're concerned that your family will be hurt/try to talk you out of it/not understand, but for your sake and theirs you should tell them. It's the only way you'll be able to be at peace with the choice you've made - and if they believe in God, you can remind them that they have a duty to love, regardless!
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Element10010 (520)
2005-07-05 13:54:32
I'm from a nice Catholic family. I am the Confirmation sponsor for both my brother and my sister. After Confirmation, my brother decided he is an athiest. That doesn't make me hate or ignore him. I of course try to convert him back, but for the most part I have to accept him, or it would become an obsession. Is your family the type that would become obsessed? As for coworkers, as long as you continue to do your job, you have naught to worry you. You know you have a safe haven at home with your wife, so if you start to lose some of your less critical social connections, why worry?
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Amandalicious (571)
2005-07-06 16:37:41
Are you just keeping the facts from them, or are you pretending to be something else? If someone brought up abortion, would you agree with them and go on about how wrong it is or would you just keep quiet? If you're lying, I'd say it's not normal.

I don't tell people what I believe because it never comes up and I don't consider it lying. When I go to church (my nephew goes to a private Christian school and I went to his graduation) and they pray, I don't participate. I only talk about those issues with people I know who have the same beliefs.
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appleve (436)
2005-07-10 07:29:30
like-minded people sometimes live in red states. seek them out. i really doubt everyone you know would walk out on you if they found out - gasp! you voted for kerry (oh yeah, and no longer believe in god - so what!).
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Anonymous
2005-07-10 08:18:02
What's the worst that could happen?
You could spend eternity in Gehenna (the one of the afterlife, not the one on Earth).
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AustinMGross (388)
2005-07-10 23:11:14
FIGHT THE SYSTEM
NO LIES
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biofeedback (2969)
2006-07-28 01:55:35
Dude, out with it and relieve the stress on yourself. Batman has less of a dual personality. Of course both of them are fictional...
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