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My boyfriend used slightly abusive language?
11 Comments

From the time I met him , which is about 11 months ago, he never even swore. Some horrible things have happened to him but he never did.He was always a respectful, loving , admirable person

Now we had to discuss something that concerned both of us so we went to a quiet place to do so. When we got there he mentioned that he had a confession, and that he told his best friend something he had promised me never to tell anyone. (something extremely personal) I was obviously not to cheerful about it and asked him how on earth he'd ever expect me to trust him again.

After I said that.. he exclaimed 'You know what... f*** this...in fact f*** us...i'm finished with this i'm single now. I've already wasted enough time. This is B/S. "

I was already feeling hurt... so this only added to it.
He's justifying his actions now by saying that when I said I didn't trust him he felt like I was the one breaking up with him and this is the way he deals with rejection.

Now these seem to be characteristics of abusive men... warning signs..

Or am I overreacting?
He says he's sorry and he still cares but I will never be able to see him in the same light again... I don't trust him and part of me really dislikes him...

Am I the one overreacting or is this normal treatment? Because if it is I'd prefer the single life...
Do you think it's normal?
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Comments (11)
stone_love (26109)
2009-09-03 21:53:44
I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he's abusive, but of course I don't know him any more than what you wrote. But here's what I think about the language ... maybe he doesn't feel comfortable expressing anger or strong emotions. Maybe everyone has always expected him to be "good" and he's always had to be cautious about his anger, and he keeps it inside most of the time. Then sometimes when he's just filled with too much emotion, he can't help but explode a bit. I'm describing from personal experience within my family.
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WayOutThere (27021)
2009-09-04 00:34:08
In making a confession, he was making himself vulnerable. He was trying to be honest with you, which can be quite difficult for some people. Perhaps, he was unprepared for the response, which he perceived as overly judgmental. And, this triggered his reaction.

Or...

Maybe there is more to this than meets the eye. The fact that he never swore to you, but suddenly used this new language so fluently, suggests that he has been on his best behavior with you, all this time. The question is, why for 11 months?

The sentence, "I've already wasted enough time," seems very interesting and revealing. As you are anonymous, hopefully you won't mind my speculating as to what is going on here.

I'm going to take a wild guess that you and your boyfriend are NOT sexually active. He has been patiently waiting these 11 months for this to happen. He may have talked to his best friend about it. In any case, after all this time, his frustration has come to a boil.

Assuming this is true, he was expressing sexual frustration, and not signs of being abusive. This is perfectly normal.

The relationship may be doomed at this point. And, it's up to you to decide what you want to do, and what values you choose to hold. But, you will find out a lot more about a person if you sleep with them, then if you don't.
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hotchickie81 (24721)
2009-09-04 07:34:34
Wow, sounds like my hubby. Be careful... it could get worse. I hope not, for your sake.
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pinkishbliss (28032)
2009-09-04 08:19:03
@: WayOutThere
I think your first thought is more like it.

We're not sexually active and he seems not to want this to happen. (Christian man...waiting for marriage). However we've been close...and this is what I wanted him to keep to himself... but he went and told his best friend about it.
See, he had promised me not to tell anyone about it so I felt like I could not trust him anymore..
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Galaxy500 (24989)
2009-09-04 12:06:18
In my opinion he already had the conversation you two had in his mind before you two actually had it.... and your remark was probably the "worst case scenario" and he freaked. He probably worked himself up to being honest and had to get stuff off his chest to feel better....and THEN goes and gets defensive! I wouldn't say he's abusive in any way right now. Make him work to earn your trust again and do yourself a favor and know, whatever this personal and juicy secret was, happened in the past..he was embarrassed and felt guilt over the "issue". But, mainly it was in the past and keep that in mind. Remind him he's in the doghouse (if he is) but you two need to work on trusting each other again.
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pinkishbliss (28032)
2009-09-04 13:27:52
@: Galaxy500
What's the doghouse?

Thanks your comment was extremely helpful
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Psycho_Mantis (28003)
2009-09-04 15:12:30
your well over reacting, i swear all the time when i talk, i dont mean anything by it. and to be honest if he was pissed off by what was said he swore because he was angry, dont take it personally.
hope it works out for ya though
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sanitycheck (27780)
2009-09-04 19:58:40
"My boyfriend used slightly abusive language?"

Slightly? I wouldn't worry much with it, many people are worse.
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Kat444 (27378)
2009-09-07 22:06:01
I wouldn't call that abusive. When somebody is acting abusive, they're doing something specifically to hurt you emotionally or physically. It seems like he said those things because he was frustated, the main purpose wasn't to hurt you.
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Galaxy500 (24989)
2009-09-09 11:41:04
@: pinkishbliss
the doghouse is a term used when one person in the relationship has done or said something, ultimately fucking themselves, and has to put in the time and effort to make you trust them again.
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rogersh30 (28355)
2009-09-10 17:08:25
if you are worried about it turning abusive i would suggest you watch his body language. i use terrible language on a regular basis. but if his body language made you scared then i would probably let things go.
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