My unholy ways are in jeopardy

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Okay I was raised a catholic. No easier way to learn to hate God in my opinion. I felt unloved by the church and the church goers judged and berated during the whole time I followed that faith. God and I had a long talk one day, well I spoke and was never sure if he listened but we discussed a prayer of mine that he answered in a way I wish he didn’t. I believe in a supreme being! I could however no longer believe in the all loving God I was supposed to.

I studied other faiths all the big five to start and sects of each everyone gave me a set of problems that I just couldn’t deal with however they all offered answers that I truly felt were good. I was almost a Jew and a Buddhist closer than the rest. On my journey of spiritual discovery I found a copy of “the satanic bible” by Anton Levay. It read like the words I had been searching for all the time and for the first time in a long time I felt at peace. I was a Luciferian.

I was sick recently very sick and in a night of thrashing and pain clutching my guts and sweating alone I reached into a very old place for comfort and I called upon the God of the Christians for comfort the first time in over a decade and I felt better. All the things I have learned about the church are still true and I can‘t turn back to the God who hurt me so much, but if I was prepared to renounce my satanic faith so readily can I turn myself back towards the pit once more. I hve not picked up my Baphomet and wore it since that night I have even looked out an old cross that I never threw away. I look at both and I wonder who I am.