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Should I try to mend bad relationship with sister?
I have a big problem with my sister and now we don't speak.
The argument was about her being so ‘busy’ for nearly 3 months that she never returned my calls – when we normally talked multiple times in a week. She would e-mail once in a while and that's it. I was really depressed because my then boyfriend, now fiancé, was studying abroad for the year. When I finally did talk to her and told her how much I missed my boyfriend and how badly I had been feeling, she said I was ‘insane’ (because I was so depressed, the only thing that would help me was ‘mental help’, acting as if that were something to be ashamed of. I told her that I just needed her to listen, but she wouldn’t hear me out and kept insisting I go to therapy (which I wanted to do anyway.) She told me that she hadn’t been calling me because I was too needy and it took ‘too much’ to talk to me. We also argued because she asked me to return a check she had sent me for my birthday (and told me to use however I wanted) but I had already spent it. The last straw was when she insinuated (and not tactfully at all) that I wouldn’t be able to afford the bridesmaid dress she was picking for me to wear as maid of honor in her upcoming wedding – which floored me. She gave me the feeling that if I couldn't afford the dress i wasn't going to be a part of her weding anymore. Then she stopped returning my phone calls again and we got into a heated e-mail argument wherein I told I didn’t want her in my life anymore. I just felt so insulted by being called insane just because I was depressed. And she kept throwing her religion into the e-mails and insulting me. SO the wedding came and went.
However she led our family to believe that everything was my fault. Not only did I have to deal with her but I had her discrediting me to our family and creating a wedge between them and me.
It's even worse because our family are very religious and so is she. I am not. Our family are very success/money-centered and so is she. I have always been seen as a problem child because I pursued an arts career instead of something more stable. My family were always hard to get along with, but now I feel like my sister makes me look bad. I don't really want her back in my life, but I don't want her to keep causing all of this tension with my family!
Now, two years later, my sister has been sending me very short, very curt e-mails. I don't want to respond, and haven't (they aren't really very sweet e-mails, basically she asks if I am alive and that's it.) But I also feel like maybe I should smooth things over just to feel like my whole family don't keep blaming me for the feud. We were each other’s closest confidante for years but now it's like she is another person. Is it normal to want her out of my life? Should I make amends with her, just for the sake of our family even if I truly don't feel that is better for me?
The argument was about her being so ‘busy’ for nearly 3 months that she never returned my calls – when we normally talked multiple times in a week. She would e-mail once in a while and that's it. I was really depressed because my then boyfriend, now fiancé, was studying abroad for the year. When I finally did talk to her and told her how much I missed my boyfriend and how badly I had been feeling, she said I was ‘insane’ (because I was so depressed, the only thing that would help me was ‘mental help’, acting as if that were something to be ashamed of. I told her that I just needed her to listen, but she wouldn’t hear me out and kept insisting I go to therapy (which I wanted to do anyway.) She told me that she hadn’t been calling me because I was too needy and it took ‘too much’ to talk to me. We also argued because she asked me to return a check she had sent me for my birthday (and told me to use however I wanted) but I had already spent it. The last straw was when she insinuated (and not tactfully at all) that I wouldn’t be able to afford the bridesmaid dress she was picking for me to wear as maid of honor in her upcoming wedding – which floored me. She gave me the feeling that if I couldn't afford the dress i wasn't going to be a part of her weding anymore. Then she stopped returning my phone calls again and we got into a heated e-mail argument wherein I told I didn’t want her in my life anymore. I just felt so insulted by being called insane just because I was depressed. And she kept throwing her religion into the e-mails and insulting me. SO the wedding came and went.
However she led our family to believe that everything was my fault. Not only did I have to deal with her but I had her discrediting me to our family and creating a wedge between them and me.
It's even worse because our family are very religious and so is she. I am not. Our family are very success/money-centered and so is she. I have always been seen as a problem child because I pursued an arts career instead of something more stable. My family were always hard to get along with, but now I feel like my sister makes me look bad. I don't really want her back in my life, but I don't want her to keep causing all of this tension with my family!
Now, two years later, my sister has been sending me very short, very curt e-mails. I don't want to respond, and haven't (they aren't really very sweet e-mails, basically she asks if I am alive and that's it.) But I also feel like maybe I should smooth things over just to feel like my whole family don't keep blaming me for the feud. We were each other’s closest confidante for years but now it's like she is another person. Is it normal to want her out of my life? Should I make amends with her, just for the sake of our family even if I truly don't feel that is better for me?
Do you think it's normal?
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Secondly, it's natural to get depressed when your man is gone for a year. A long distance relationship goes through some serious hardships in terms of love, trust, etc... Your sister should have realized this, and been more supportive.
Thirdly, I can't see what kind of BS your sister could have said to have your family be on her side. From my point of view, she let you down when you were looking for somebody you could confide in. Unfortunately, your sister has the upper hand in this, as she all ready told her side of the story.
Fourthly, going through your post again, I see your family is very religious, and you're not. The only thing that COULD be done about this is you could try being more religious. I don't recommend it. You'd be putting their thoughts and ideals before your own, and you'd only be letting yourself down.
"I have always been seen as a problem child because I pursued an arts career instead of something more stable."
A problem child because you followed your own dreams and wanted to live YOUR life the way YOU wanted?
"(they aren't really very sweet e-mails, basically she asks if I am alive and that's it.)"
It sounds as though she's trying to give off a hard, peanut riddled exterior before she lets you back in to the creamy chocolate and caramel goodness. Forgive me, I haven't had a chocolate bar in months.
"But I also feel I should smooth things over just to feel like my whole family don't keep blaming me for the feud."
If your family really cares, then they won't care about who is at fault for the feud, they'd just want to see you two make amends and back to the way you two were.
"Is it normal to want her out of my life? Should I make amends with her, just for the sake of our family even if I truly don't feel that is better for me?"
I'm thinking you don't really want her out of your life, or else you wouldn't be asking these questions in the first place.
Anyways, if you don't want to have any feelings of guilt or remorse, I would send her an e-mail that is very open. Tell her how you've been, how your life has been, and ask her about how she's been.
Leave the ball in her court.
Anyways, I'm not in any way a psychologist, nor do I try to pretend I know a lot of about, well anything.
I'm just giving you my thoughts. Take them any way you wish.