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Was I molested as a kid? Or did I just make this up in my head?
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When I was about 7-8 years old, my little sister and me went to spend the summer at my grandmother's. At the house, my two older female cousins (14 and 15 years old) were put in charge of us. I remember one cousin being "nice" and the other "mean." (The "mean" one was the 14 y/o - my grandmother's favorite.) It was me w/only girls for company.
I have dim memories of this "mean" cousin pinning me down, and saying I was a "rotten boy" and "dirty boy" repeatedly that summer. I recall being scared/embarrassed when this happened. Once, I remember somebody (the "nice" cousin I think) walking in while I was being held down by the "mean" one and then I REALLY got in trouble, with the grandmother yelling at me and the "mean" cousin telling her what a nasty boy I was. Oddly, I don't recall my mother saying anything when she picked me up to visit my other grandparents (her parents) that day, despite my grandmother yelling at me. (And after that, I never wanted to wear shorts again - to this day, it's long pants only, no matter how hot it is outside! I don't like having my legs exposed. At the time, I was saying things like "bare legs are smelly" as the reason I didn't want to wear shorts anymore, and I DO dimly recall something smelly "down there" about either me or someone else.) I found out recently that my mother NEVER liked having us kids spend time a "Gran's", but "Gran" insisted on it. (She thought "Gran" wasn't treating us well, especially me.)
Here's the kicker. The above-mentioned grandmother died a few years back. Recently, my sister and I were talking about her, and I mentioned the "times I got in trouble." My sister told me that she remembered one incident with the "mean" cousin (my sis was about 6-7 at the time) and that my shorts and undies were off, I was naked from the waist down and I was in that room with my cousin holding me down... but that's all my sister will say. (This "mean" cousin is REALLY nice and friendly to me now, when I see her at family get-togethers. She's a mess herself though, been divorced twice...)
About that time (7-8 years old) I started masturbating though I didn't know that was what it was; I thought I was the only kid in the world who did it. (Maybe that's part of why I've always thought of myself as a weirdo.) I never stopped either - it was like an addiction.
I've always had hang-ups about my body and body functions - and lately, I've had some erection issues. Did those years of "self-abuse" at a young age damage me physically?
Was I molested? *Or* did I provoke this somehow! (After all, who EVER heard of a female molesting a boy child??? That just doesn't happen - right? Also, wouldn't I have some specific memories of being sexually mis-handled?)
All I seem to recall is extreme embarrassment, and fear. So, maybe I'm imagining it all, and I was just a being a little jerk - maybe my cousin was just restraining me after all, trying to stop me from running around butt naked and mooning her or something!
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Comments (3)
For me, it does seem as if the mean cousin was, to put it not so nicely, a bit of a bitch.

I can't say if you've been molested or not but even so if she did hold you down with no pants on, it's not a right thing to do. I also think that experience alone would be enough to cause the issues you have with yourself.

Although I must say that although it's not as common as men abusing people, women have been known to do such things as well.

But back to the point, in a way you were "molested" but not exactly sexually, it's more like she invaded your privacy and personal space by doing what she did. It seems like she also wanted to intimidate you and humiliate you, in my eyes.

I'm sorry if that's useless advice but I hope that you can find some peace with this. :)
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Remember sexual abuse is never provoked - it is usually enacted on children by sick individuals be they male or female. I recently transcribed interview tapes for court where a grandmother molested a 10 yr old boy - he knew something wrong was happening but couldn't understand why - I think with trauma like that your subconscious attempts to protect you by trying to forget about it - hence the doubt. I understand how you feel in terms of doubting yourself because I went through something similar when I was younger at the hands of my sisters godbrother. I remember and can visualize certain events but somehow don't know how much I can believe them... Either way don't ever feel as if you did something wrong. Maybe speak to someone if you want to clear the air... Within yourself at least anyway. Good luck and I hope you find some answers :)
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I think what you're going through is normal. I too had a situation like this were I always look back and wonder if I was molested. I know this one old man licked my ear one time, and I keep having a vision of my cousin and his friend touching me "down there". I never told anyone until right now actually. I started masturbating when I was really young, probably younger then you. IDK how I figured it out, but I always thought I was like a horrible person. Im so over it now, but I always wonder. I hope you find a solution though! xoxo
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