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Wife "cheated"
My wife renewed an old friendship via facebook.
The old friend invited her to be in a band (they were in college together in a band). They had not really spoken in years. We have been married for seven.
As they renewed the friendship, he was contemplating ending his marriage. Unbeknownst to me, they had shared an intimate kiss while his now ex was having them followed.
They are still in the band together.
I have forgiven the transgression on both parts. Originally, I asked my wife to keep her contact with the guy to a minimum, but apparently it is beyond her to limit their engagement.
I never asked for her to quit the band or give up her music. I originally asked only for limited contact, but as it escalated, in particular while I was away for two days, I then asked for there to be no phone contact and only emails etc that I could see.
She reacted poorly to the constraints. I blamed her for the state we were in. I then decided that I need to talk to him and deal with his end of the transgression.
He admitted his feelings BEFORE for my wife, but suggested that it was over.
I forgave him, but find it hard to forget when they are still in the band together.
She has made little effort to reassure me in actions but says that nothing is going to happen again. She asks what she can do to assuage my feelings and her guilt. In desperation, I finally suggested, ask him to quit the band. She said she would consider, but I knew she never would seriously. She later said that she could "now," but I don't believe it.
I want to trust her, but I am painted into a corner. I had originally been keeping tabs on phone and emails etc. It has slowly escalated again (probably all band related for the most part, but not all of it).
She admitted that she could not do this one thing for me, when it was always important for us to suggest to each other that "there is nothing I would not do for you." This was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I have finally capitulated and told her that it's fine. Despite my misgivings inside, I have told her that I will make the leap of faith and try to trust that nothing will happen again.
IS this normal?
The old friend invited her to be in a band (they were in college together in a band). They had not really spoken in years. We have been married for seven.
As they renewed the friendship, he was contemplating ending his marriage. Unbeknownst to me, they had shared an intimate kiss while his now ex was having them followed.
They are still in the band together.
I have forgiven the transgression on both parts. Originally, I asked my wife to keep her contact with the guy to a minimum, but apparently it is beyond her to limit their engagement.
I never asked for her to quit the band or give up her music. I originally asked only for limited contact, but as it escalated, in particular while I was away for two days, I then asked for there to be no phone contact and only emails etc that I could see.
She reacted poorly to the constraints. I blamed her for the state we were in. I then decided that I need to talk to him and deal with his end of the transgression.
He admitted his feelings BEFORE for my wife, but suggested that it was over.
I forgave him, but find it hard to forget when they are still in the band together.
She has made little effort to reassure me in actions but says that nothing is going to happen again. She asks what she can do to assuage my feelings and her guilt. In desperation, I finally suggested, ask him to quit the band. She said she would consider, but I knew she never would seriously. She later said that she could "now," but I don't believe it.
I want to trust her, but I am painted into a corner. I had originally been keeping tabs on phone and emails etc. It has slowly escalated again (probably all band related for the most part, but not all of it).
She admitted that she could not do this one thing for me, when it was always important for us to suggest to each other that "there is nothing I would not do for you." This was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I have finally capitulated and told her that it's fine. Despite my misgivings inside, I have told her that I will make the leap of faith and try to trust that nothing will happen again.
IS this normal?
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Do you think it's normal?
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So go ahead bro and see what she has in her mind, if she deny that she won't, I promise that she will cheat you again in future else if she will leave that band, love her again with all your full mighty. I know even then also it wont be easy for you but still then she deserve that, even after she committed that sin..
You love each other so be together and forgive each other.., that's what life is all about..
What you have is a lot of distrust, which you marshall into inappropriate behaviour (snooping & tracking correspondence, requests to limit contact, leave the band).
The band is irrelevant. You are treating her like a child and behaving like one. Your marriage won't survive without trust - you will drive her, and yourself into misery.
If you trust her let it go. Trust yourself a bit too - if anything goes on it is going to get detected - and as devastating as that would be, you will handle it.
If you don't trust her, go together for marriage counseling. If that doesn't work then you are through - you will drive her away.
If that is so, counseling won't work. But this will be either a self-limiting situation or will end in her wanting to part.
In my opinion, giving her more attention and trying to re-conquer her as a suitor won't work, but will fuel the same process that is already running.
What I see you have to do is, if you feel deeply interested in her (and here I suggest to you to make an also deep analysis of your feelings and see if what you feel is not fear of change, hurt pride and fear of thinking of yourself as a loser, instead of true love for her), you would have to just accept her word, whatever results from it, and be prepared to pass even for an active infidelity before she
ends of sowing her late wild oats. You have to be quite sure that you really love her so much.
There's no other option, because if you keep insisting on guarding her and watching over her and asking her to promise, it will only incentive her emotions of playing at being free and naughty. If you calm down and stop being watchful and jealous, she could feel spiteful and play the victim of lack of love from your part and from that go further. That's a risk. But being jealous and untrusting, will have about the same possible results, just by other ways, and with a worse prognosis.
You can only take it as a man, accept her word and treat her with continuous seemingly affection and love but without exaggeration and without being officious, and not, in any case, showing your distrust. And, doing so, hoping for the best and being prepared for the worse.
Now, if you come to see that your feelings are more related with fears and spite than with true love, also be decided and strong and cut the relation yourself and move on. I know it is much easier to say it than to do it, but if not done it, you will end suffering and losing much more.
Ollieo and Thundercat in particular.
I came to the same conclusions.
Thanks to a good friend as well.
I am still concerned, but have accepted that my feelings are not as important as this band (and perhaps this dud's friendship)- I hope I can say for right now, but I do not know.
I love her more than anything. And as suggested have to just take her at her word, though I will admit some actions would be nice.
I do feel something like a putz because I am afraid of appearing weak.
As an update, she suggests that her guilt etc are punishment enough. That she will always feel bad about this.
I don't agree of course, it was NEVER about her being in a band.
Anyhoo, thanks for letting me vent.