Finding this was a bit of a relief.
It's so hard for me to express how I feel about my mother to most people, as they shrug it off as a joke, or a product of my age (I'm 21).
But, honestly, I don't know what to do. I hesitate to say I hate my mother, as I really don't think I do. However, I do not *like* her, nor do I love her. I'm thankful to see and hear the stories of others who are in somewhat similar situations, as most people stare at me open-mouthed when I say that, responding with "you have to love your mother, she gave birth to you!"
And my question is why? Why do I automatically have to love this woman just because she gave birth to me? I never asked to be born. If I had, I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be saddled with her. She makes many, many aspects of my life infinitely more difficult, frustrating, and even unbearable.
I realize it could be oh-so-much-worse, as she's never abused me, physically or otherwise. However, day in and day out, when I'm home with her (I live on campus at school, but live at home during the summer), I find being in contact with her is almost too much to take.
And she notices. She criticizes and ridicules me, claiming I think she's "beneath me" and I have no right to "treat her the way I do". The thing is, I *try*, I try to be better with her. I try to be more polite and civil, and sometimes, I'm successful. However, she makes this almost impossible. Her interactions with me are not pleasant. She often claims I have no drive, no "get-up-and-go" and believes she'll be stuck taking care of me forever. She claims the degree I'm working towards is useless and then continues to question me as to "how" I'll be able to go to Grad school.
The other day I mentioned that I plan to start woking towards moving out, permanently, within the next 2 years. She looked at me in disbelief and referred to it today as "bulls**t". I'm concentrating on finding work for the summer (like everyone else I know), and she constantly claims "you know you're not going to get a job this summer." WHY the pessimism?
She says I have no initiative; that I won't really do anything with my life. Why? Because she never did anything with hers?
She had 2 children: my sister and me. My sister was very, very difficult as a teen, and wound up dropping out of high school, ending up in rehab (twice), bouncing around different places for a while, getting pregnant, to now living with us again.
So, with that, why do I have no initiative? I graduated HS, and am in college, working towards my Bachelor's. I don't think I'm better than anyone, I just do not see her and I as combatible. We cannot get along well.
It's been years since we have, and it's only gotten worse in the last 2.
All I can see when I look at her is a hypochondriac who thrives on self-pity and the pity of others.
I don't know what to do or how I can get by with her.
I hate my mother.
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Finding this was a bit of a relief.
It's so hard for me to express how I feel about my mother to most people, as they shrug it off as a joke, or a product of my age (I'm 21).
But, honestly, I don't know what to do. I hesitate to say I hate my mother, as I really don't think I do. However, I do not *like* her, nor do I love her. I'm thankful to see and hear the stories of others who are in somewhat similar situations, as most people stare at me open-mouthed when I say that, responding with "you have to love your mother, she gave birth to you!"
And my question is why? Why do I automatically have to love this woman just because she gave birth to me? I never asked to be born. If I had, I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be saddled with her. She makes many, many aspects of my life infinitely more difficult, frustrating, and even unbearable.
I realize it could be oh-so-much-worse, as she's never abused me, physically or otherwise. However, day in and day out, when I'm home with her (I live on campus at school, but live at home during the summer), I find being in contact with her is almost too much to take.
And she notices. She criticizes and ridicules me, claiming I think she's "beneath me" and I have no right to "treat her the way I do". The thing is, I *try*, I try to be better with her. I try to be more polite and civil, and sometimes, I'm successful. However, she makes this almost impossible. Her interactions with me are not pleasant. She often claims I have no drive, no "get-up-and-go" and believes she'll be stuck taking care of me forever. She claims the degree I'm working towards is useless and then continues to question me as to "how" I'll be able to go to Grad school.
The other day I mentioned that I plan to start woking towards moving out, permanently, within the next 2 years. She looked at me in disbelief and referred to it today as "bulls**t". I'm concentrating on finding work for the summer (like everyone else I know), and she constantly claims "you know you're not going to get a job this summer." WHY the pessimism?
She says I have no initiative; that I won't really do anything with my life. Why? Because she never did anything with hers?
She had 2 children: my sister and me. My sister was very, very difficult as a teen, and wound up dropping out of high school, ending up in rehab (twice), bouncing around different places for a while, getting pregnant, to now living with us again.
So, with that, why do I have no initiative? I graduated HS, and am in college, working towards my Bachelor's. I don't think I'm better than anyone, I just do not see her and I as combatible. We cannot get along well.
It's been years since we have, and it's only gotten worse in the last 2.
All I can see when I look at her is a hypochondriac who thrives on self-pity and the pity of others.
I don't know what to do or how I can get by with her.