Advice on bf issues

my therapist hasn’t said anything about how i should leave him. he knows i want to work on myself and the relationship

If that is indeed what your therapist is saying - as opposed to what you _want_ to hear him or her saying - and if the event was as you describe, then I can only conclude that the therapist is an idiot.

No sensible person - and particularly no qualified, knowledgeable, experienced therapist - will suggest to someone who has been subjected to domestic abuse that they should just go back to the abuser and everything will be fine in time.

Anyone who resorts to violence in a relationship once should never be fully trusted not to do it again. People can learn to control their impulses and deal with the frustrations of relationships in positive ways, but the passage of a few weeks or months is unlikely to be enough to result in those positive changes.

my parents aren’t controlling

Oh, dear sweet Jesus... 🙄

Look, everything I know about your situation is from the few words you've written here, so it's entirely possible that my limited understanding and the tentative conclusions I've reached are totally wrong.

But it sounds to me like you're infatuated with a guy who doesn't treat you with respect, the two of you aren't able to communicate on an adult level, you see the main problem to be your family's attitude towards him, and you're determined to ignore the huge red flag that is him being a person who resorts to physical violence when you don't do as he asks. If he wanted you to leave his place and you were being obnoxious, clingy or just silly and refusing to go, he had options other than choking you available to him. He could have, for example, put his hands on your shoulders, steered you to the door and through it. Instead, he decided to put his hands on your neck.

Your father is your father, and there's probably not much you can do to change him. Your boyfriend is who he is, and there's not much chance of you changing him either.

The only person you can change is yourself, and I suggest you try working on your self-esteem and educating yourself on how positive relationships should work.

Tell your dad that you are sorry for how much you have inconvenienced your parents, and set a bad example for your sister on how not to behave with guys. Tell your father that you promise to leave this awful abusive guy, and concentrate on your job, and education starting from now onward.

After you have told your father what I have instructed you to do you need to block your ex-boyfriend on your phone, and all forms of social media. You will never contact him again, and you will never respond to any attempts he makes to contact you again. It will be hard, and you will want to give up, but if you follow my instructions you will eventually heal, and be a better person for it! LEAVE HIM!!!

Half of my family are therapists of some type and most are psychiatric social workers. The most basic of things all therapists are taught is to encourage victims of abuse to leave, even if the violence only occurred once. I showed this post to my sister in law (another psychiatric social worker) and she said no way a therapist told you the things you claim. She said that is something they would simply never do. Ur a troll.

You will never have a healthy relationship with this piece of shit heroin addict who mooches off of his mommy, and daddy. You need to wise up, and just leave his crazy ass.

No girl *anywhere* deserves him, except maybe another abuser - but some girl is going to wind up with him, and she's not going to know what he's capable of. You do, and you may wield the power to put him permanently into therapy. The fact that others in your circle know about his violent side also protects you to a point. But like I said, if I knew you personally I would want you to get away from him.

No, never. It doesn't matter if he never does it again and becomes really nice. They will never, ever forgive him for this. It's one of those things that you can't move past. If you stay with him longterm they may, in time, be more polite towards him, but they will be doing it for your sake and not because they like him. Every time they look at him they will think of him strangling you - even 30 years from now.

Once someone has strangled your daughter, especially when they are her partner, you never move past it. It isn't possible.

I'm afraid that your boyfriend is just stuck with this reputation now and there isn't anything he can do to erase it.

"...he really doesn’t want to go to jail again ..."

This just gets better and better as the details dribble out.

I assume you live in the USA. The American "justice" system is crap in many ways and it loves to lock people up for all sorts of petty shit. So maybe the guy has done time for unpaid parking fines, or maybe he was unjustly convicted of some crime. Still, the majority of people who do time have serious issues of one sort or another before they go in, and prison generally doesn't help sort those out.

The picture you're painting of this guy is not flattering. There's also more than a hint that you're one of those pathetic women who has a thing for bad boys because she has nil self-esteem and she thinks she deserves to be with an asshole who treats her like shit, or because she has a need for drama in her life.

You say you're sure he won't be physically abusive again. Before the choking incident, were you sure that he'd never do something like that? If you suspected he was the sort of guy who might physically abuse you, why were you with him? If you were certain back then that he wouldn't do that, why do you believe that you're now suddenly able to predict his future behaviour accurately?

No, I don't mean you. I mean OP, quite obviously.

what?

i’m not a troll

Yeah, you're quite right about the impervious to logic, and reason part. I sometimes think this all is just the product of some bored troll, but I keep responding, just in case she's a real person on the off chance that someday she'll get her head out of her ass.

Well, that's not a reason to choke someone, that is a reason to call the cops, but not a reason to choke someone.

The fact that you refuse to leave when he asks you to is very abnormal, and proof that there is something seriously wrong with you. You probably need to be screened for a personality disorder.

Eventually he will kill you, or put you in the hospital.

Have you any idea of how many women tolerate men who hit them and physically abuse them in other ways, and tell themselves and others things like, "It really wasn't that bad...", "It was just a little tap, really...", "It's only a black eye, and he didn't really mean to do it..."

The bottom line is that he put his hands on you in a way that was other than loving and respectful. If you deal with that sort of thing by excusing and justifying it on his behalf, then you're setting yourself up for escalation. Worst case scenario: he learns that you'll accept whatever he wants to do to you, he gradually escalates, and then one day you'll find yourself in a hospital or even a coffin.

I think I've seen a thread by you in the past. He's the one studying for the business degree?

So he's abusive and doesn't have a job? The dudes a total loser. Find someone who has their mind and financial situation together.

Do you have a job?

It's definitly not I know

No, just the one time. He was always very abusive with me though, have the scars to prove it