Am i crazy about being abused?

First time doing this and it’s 25 years worth.

For context, I was born with Cf. I’ve been sick, dying since birth, in short.

For as long as I can remember my mother has always been...cruel? I don’t know because she’s my mom and I’m told constantly “maybe you did something to warrant it” kind of talks.

I’ve been chased by a knife because I ripped my pants while playing with my first friend at 10.

I’ve been called a whore; at 13 (I’m in a ten year relationship, my first and only) and that no one will love me and I’ll only survive if I marry someone in the military to cover my medical.

Last year I was dying, on oxygen, could barely move and I was inconveniencing her with every breath. I would have a coughing fit and collapse on the floor and shed huff, pause her show and wait. Then ask if I was done. I lived upstairs. She never checked up on me and my room got extremely messy from me not being able to move. My boyfriend...did what he could when he wasn’t at work making money to give to her to allow him to live with us. (For health insurance purposes I have to live with my parents, even now)

Eventually I almost stopped breathing and begged my mom to take me to the ER. She complained. I ended up in ICU that night, two forms of life support.

I got put on the transplant list and was so drugged up on pain meds...it was hard to be conscious. She yelled at me constantly to stay awake that it wasn’t a game and if I didn’t shed leave me. She also prevented my boyfriend from seeing me during the crucial time.

I got the transplant thankfully but not too lon after, when someone came to talk to me because of her behavior. I told them the truth and they talked to my parents. She said I stabbed her in the back and I might as well kill myself. Not the first time she has told me. Nothing was done.

Now I’m permanently on my fathers insurance to pay for the meds to stay alive... I can never get married, have children or even be apart of adoption.

I have told my father...whose brother killed himself not more than a year ago. I apparently provoke her.

I talk to someone but it just doesn’t seem to help... I want to break ties but....I want to live more.

There is so much more and I have to deal with this along with trauma. Half the time I burst into tears cause of flashback on that damn bed or I have to touch someone to realize I’m not in some weird afterlife what if universe. But I don’t like being touched now because I was touched everywhere and constantly not able to move or speak when something hurt or I didn’t like.

My mother makes me feel that i didn’t earn my life.

I don’t know if that’s abuse... maybe I’m over reacting...