Anorexia = death

Some years back, I wrote a post on here called "anorexia = perfection". This is an update and I'm here to tell you that it actually = death.

I thought I was cured only to find out that the behaviors, which I believed to be subtle, have continued since then. It's been estimated that if I continue this way, I'll be dead in 5 weeks. My weight has been estimated to currently be in the low 90's. I've barely been eating for 4 weeks. I've basically only been eating one yogurt (skyr) per day.

I had my wake up call yesterday. It took me by surprised. My fiancé, who is long-distance (UK), finally was able to get me to wake up. We went down the rabbit hole together and were able to piece the behaviors together. I went to bed terrified that I was going to die of a heart attack. I know I have hurt my fiancé deeply and our relationship has been severely damaged. I am going to get better for the both of us. Yet, the anorexia still has a hold on me. My fiancé is helping me. I know that we can get through it together.

I've experienced: severe hallucinations (akin to Black Swan), severe emaciation, wasted tons of food and money (years), verbally and emotionally lashed out at my fiancé and family, chronic lack of energy, chronic teeth problems, extreme amounts of stress, severe pain in my torso, painful headaches, poor self-esteem and self-hatred, self-destruction, extremely negative thoughts at both myself and my fiancé, distrusting other people's words, throwing food, denying myself foods I wanted - sweets and Asian food (my favourites), throwing foods out because I couldn't deal with them, believing I had food allergies when there were none, believing I was swollen/fat when I was emaciated (my cheeks are sunken, for fuck's sake!), fantasising about being a invalid, wishing to get AIDS so I could lose weight, being obsessed with famines and other conditions that cause emaciation then wishing them on myself, wanting to look like a holocaust survivors, obsessing about diets (not fad diets), anger, believing I HAD to eat, what I believed to be, large quantities of food or else some unspecified bad thing would happen, controlling all aspects of my life and not allowing much progress to be made, actually digging candy out of the trash to eat, obsessing about the latest superfood, etc. I can put the rest in a comment below. I want to cry.