Certain thoughts/people/situations make me want to end it all/escape?
Certain situations make me have an extreme mindset and I begin to have suicidal ideal and or want to escape and run away. These situations or people, or the impressions/observations I have make me want to leave because I can’t take it anymore.
At home there’s so much stress, drama, negativity, screaming and yelling. Unhealthy mindsets like my mom and family I just want to get away from. I’m planning to move out.
But I posted in another thread it’s work that keeps f’ng me up in the head. Some days it’s okay and the people there don’t bother me. But like clockwork I keep getting scheduled these Monday nights with all the same people and I end up leaving hating my job. On these shifts they don’t really talk to me, I feel alone and isolated being the only guy working with a a bunch of girls up front (at a restaurant) and they’re all a little self-absorbed and not interested in me. So I try to do my job but it keeps getting to me. My main manager acts obnoxious and weird at times and she’s hard to relate to and I have to wear a mask on around her or act differently, or she just outright is mean or shames people/think she funny.
I can’t tell what is causing me the most pain, the people or the thoughts about the situation. But it becomes all encompassing. I go home hating it there and wanting to kill myself because I don’t know what else to do. I’m afraid the problem is me and will repeat and I won’t find a job where I’m okay with the people. This has happened a few times before. I’m not autistic but have always been more of a introvert/shy but I genuinely love talking to people. And it’s the not-talking-to-people when I actually want to, it makes me feel awful….
At worst this is making me mentally unstable where I need have a stress drink or attempt to distract myself from this. It’s bad. It makes me feel the only option is to quit this job. But then there goes that option to move out, which then keeps me longer at home.
I’m tired of going through this. Tired of feeling the way I feel. I just want to show up to my work and be surrounded by some people who think like me and want to get to know me. There’s like 2 or 3 people there who are like that, but it’s not enough to smooth over or hold me over when I’m working with people I have nothing in common with or they don’t want to talk to me/I feel there is an invisible wall between us.
Help.