Depressed about my best friend's engagement and up coming wedding

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7 Comments

Hi everyone,

I am usually a very level-headed person and I am usually a very logical, fair, empathetic, compassionate and loving person. However, the past year has been an emotional roller-coaster for me...a roller-coaster from hell!

One of my closest friends got engaged about a year ago to another friend of mine. instead of feeling happy for her I was consumed by feelings of extreme jealousy, anger, resentment and sadness towards her, her husband to be and my boyfriend.

At fist I was consumed with thoughts as to what she has done in her life to deserve this when I have suffered much more than she has. I also wondered how I, the much more attractive, more educated one from the more wealthy family, wasn't the first one to get snapped up by some prince for marriage. I was engaged before, mind you, but I was very young and it didn't work out.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a reasonable amount of time, not as long as she has been with her fiancé but long enough to warrant a ring in my opinion. And we aren't exactly children any more. We are in our mid going on late 20's. So it went from anger and jealousy now to just sadness and depression.

I'm currently helping her with her wedding plans as I am in the wedding party, and I do so with a smile on my face but on the inside it really hurts and the last time we went out to look at decorations and what not I had to walk away from her and the other bridesmaids to cry a little...

I dont really know why I am feeling this way. My boyfriend loves me and says he wants to marry me and will ask me when he is ready. I guess the problem is the waiting and the watching someone else enter into a phase in life that I am still dreaming of. I've been trying my best not to pressure him but every time we see a wedding show on TV or the topic comes up I ask him when...I think he is starting to get annoyed with me :(

It may sound cheesy, but all I want is a family with the man I love and children...that's it. But I feel sometimes like it wont happen for me...and I keep hearing more and more about people I know from school getting engaged or married...my heart sank when i found out my high school sweetheart married the girl he dumped me for! UGH! I know I'm ranting and I'm being silly but I just cant shake these feelings! Any advice guys on how to get over this? Also, it is normal to be this upset over the situation? I am really not this petty and silly of a person so please help and try to keep the comments positive. Thanks

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Based on 46 votes (37 yes)
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Comments ( 7 )
  • MischiefMaker
    11 years ago

    Well, I don't have any great suggestions on this issue or anything. Just wanted to say, I know what you mean about everyone from school getting married and having kids! Sometimes I get a little envious that they can settle down, have a family, and be happy... but I know that life is not meant for me.

    I'm in my mid 20's as well... and on the opposite side of the fence as you when it comes to the boyfriend. Mine keeps asking about marriage, and I keep postponing it. I almost cringe when anything about a wedding or engagement comes up because I know what he is thinking. It's not that I don't absolutely LOVE him; We've only been together about a year and a half... and I just want to make sure it's going to last before I plunge head first into that kind of a commitment.

    But even though I've never been in your exact circumstances, I can see how you would feel the way you do. Good luck with everything! :)

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Thanks for your support :)

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  • Tellidall
    11 years ago

    Forget about the future, focus on now: Trust your boyfriend when he says it's coming. Now find something to share with him. If you can't be enjoy now, 'the future' won't make you happy. If there aren't enough kids in your life, go enjoy someone else's kids, maybe babysit or something along those lines -- consider it preparation for having your own. Also, dance.

    I can say that marriage isn't a magical transformation into a happiness generating life, and if you're expecting that, you're going to be disappointed. Married tend to be happier...but that's because happier people have a greater tendency to get married and stick with it. Surely there's something you can do, here and now, that will improve your well-being.

    Let the future come when it does.

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  • ohplease
    11 years ago

    Sounds normal to me.

    Other than the vague idea that the BF has marital intentions, have you two discussed what you want and hope for from the relationship in the future? Are you positive that he even wants kids? Are you sure that you are on the same page? And what about timeline? I'm not saying that you have to nail down a date right now, but you're clearly aching to get married and start a family. What if the boyfriend doesn't want to get married for 5 more years or have kids for another 10? If you're positive that you love him and want to spend your life with him, and that he feels the same way, provided you don't make it nagging him to marry you, this sort of conversation should not be a painful or terribly awkward one to have.

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    • Sailor_Cosmos
      11 years ago

      Yes we have had this talk many times. He says I am being silly and insecure for no reason and that it will come in due time. I asked him just yesterday oddly enough for a timeline he said he would like us married within the next two years...which seems ok for me...I just hope he means it. And we both agree that we want kids, probably within the next three to four years...I think its just the wait that is killing me and the fact that I see all these other couples moving ahead before us and I feel like we are being left behind.

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      • ohplease
        11 years ago

        It's not a race! If it's a timeline that you are both truly comfortable with, provided he adheres to it, then try not to worry about your friends. It is much better for everyone involved to be involved in a marriage when both people are mutually devoted to it, and believe me, MUCH easier and better for everyone involved to have a baby when both parents want said baby. Children complicate a relationship on so many different levels. And on the upside, if your friends 'beat' you to having children, then they might give you their baby clothes, which might sound sort of tacky, but is very nice to have. And there will be no stopping them with advice, but at least you will both be able to see the reality of infants and you can get a baby fix visiting your friends without having to wake up at three in the morning.

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        • Sailor_Cosmos
          11 years ago

          Yeah I know its silly to be concerned with other people's lives. I'm ok with the timeline if that's what he needs to feel more ready. As for kids, I don't have any (obviously) but I can appreciate how they can complicate a person's life and relationship. I would never force kids on a man who's heart wasn't into it. Kids I'm fine with waiting a good few years I'm still young enough. Its the whole marriage thing that gets to me.

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